Funny movie quotes from Hold That Ghost starring Bud Abbott, Lou Costello, the Andrews Sisters
Funny movie quotes from one of Abbott and Costello’s very funny haunted house movie, “Hold That Ghost“
Patron: We don’t want any soup!
Ferdie (Lou Costello): Somebody’s got to have the soup!
Patron: Give it to the chef!
Ferdie (Lou Costello): The chef’s souped up now!
Driver: [Ferdie parks his car disastrously] That man should have his license taken away.
Chuck (Bud Abbott): I’ll see that he does as soon as he gets one.
Ferdie (Lou Costello): I hope we ain’t putting you out any.
Charlie Smith: Not at all; it’ll be a pleasure to take you boys for a ride.
Camille: I told them I was an actress, not a sound effect, so I quit. Guess I’ll have to go back to the movies.
Chuck (Bud Abbott): Movie actress?
Camille: No, usherette.
Camille: You sure you never heard of me? Camille Brewster?
Ferdie (Lou Costello): No.
Camille: You must have a cheap radio.
Camille: [as Charlie Smith rushes past her into the vehicle] The age of chiselry!
Camille: Mr. Jones, are you a married man?
Ferdie (Lou Costello): No.
Camille: Neither am I.
[to Chuck]
Camille: He’s old enough, isn’t he?
Ferdie (Lou Costello): Oh sure I’m old enough, I play games, I play post office.
Camille: Post office? That’s a kids’ game.
Ferdie (Lou Costello): Not the way I play.
Ferdie (Lou Costello): [looking at an old house with no paint] What did I tell you, Chuck? Anyplace painted dark brown, I never liked it.
Ferdie (Lou Costello): I used to be a barricading ram.
Camille: What’s on him, a cobweb?
Ferdie (Lou Costello): It ain’t a wedding veil.
Ferdie (Lou Costello): [to Chuck] I was playing choo-choo train! Aww you never let me have any fun.
Ferdie (Lou Costello): I don’t wanna go outside in the dark with nobody to talk to.
Chuck (Bud Abbott): Why don’t you talk to yourself?
Ferdie (Lou Costello): I get too many stupid answers.
Chuck (Bud Abbott): [slaps Ferdie’s hand as he reaches across the table for food] Don’t reach! Ask for it. You’ve got a tongue, haven’t you?
Ferdie (Lou Costello): I can reach further with my hands.
Camille: [after tasting the soup] Like mother used to make … It stinks!
Chuck (Bud Abbott): Ferdie, go in there!
Ferdie (Lou Costello): I’d like to see you make me!
[Chuck slaps Ferdie]
Ferdie (Lou Costello): You made me.
Chuck (Bud Abbott): Remember that stuff used to wear the enamel off your teeth?
Ferdie (Lou Costello): Sure, once I had 6 bottles of that stuff, I didn’t stagger.
Chuck (Bud Abbott): Didn’t stagger?
Ferdie (Lou Costello): I couldn’t move.
Doc: You girls had better stay here, it will be safer.
[Chuck and Doc leave while Ferdie lingers … Chuck comes back to grab him]
Chuck (Bud Abbott): Come along, you, you’re not a girl.
Ferdie (Lou Costello): When I was a little boy, I played with dolls ….
Ferdie (Lou Costello): Somebody blew out the candle!
Chuck (Bud Abbott): That was the wind.
Ferdie (Lou Costello): Since when does the wind eat garlic?
Ferdie (Lou Costello): Sleep … that’s what I could use. A nice warm bed … to hide under.
Ferdie (Lou Costello): I don’t wanna go upstairs. You go upstairs; I’ll be a lookout.
Chuck (Bud Abbott): Lookout for what?
Ferdie (Lou Costello): Look out for myself!
Ferdie (Lou Costello): Chuck, is my feet nailed to the floor?
Chuck (Bud Abbott): No.
Ferdie (Lou Costello): Then I must be paralyzed.
Doc: [speaking about Charlie Smith] He’s been strangled.
Ferdie (Lou Costello): Is that serious?
Chuck (Bud Abbott): The man’s dead!
Ferdie (Lou Costello): Then that’s serious.
Chuck (Bud Abbott): Ferdie, Put that lamp on top of the highboy.
Ferdie (Lou Costello): What’d you say, Chuck?
Chuck (Bud Abbott): Highboy.
Ferdie (Lou Costello): Hi, Chuck.
Chuck (Bud Abbott): No, no, put it up there [gestures]
Oh, that’s a highboy.
Chuck (Bud Abbott): Yes.
Ferdie (Lou Costello): How do you know if it’s a boy or a girl?
Chuck (Bud Abbott): We inherited this place from Moose Matson.
Police detective: You relatives to him?
Ferdie (Lou Costello): We were very close to him at the time of his surmise.
Ferdie (Lou Costello): He was tied up with string and he’s got a something in his mouth.
Chuck (Bud Abbott): He had a gag in his mouth.
Ferdie (Lou Costello): If he did he never got a chance to tell it.
Chuck (Bud Abbott): Are you afraid?
Ferdie (Lou Costello): No, but if you see a pair of pants go flyin’ through the air, don’t grab ’em.
Chuck (Bud Abbott): Why not?
Ferdie (Lou Costello): I’ll be in ’em!
Chuck (Bud Abbott): Everything happens to you.
Ferdie (Lou Costello): Everything except what happened to Charlie Smith.
Norma Lind: Somebody’s trying to scare us out of this house.
Dr. Duncan ‘Doc’ Jackson: Hey, what happened to those two detectives?
Camille: Maybe they’re
[makes throat cutting noise]
Ferdie (Lou Costello): What if the ghost comes back?
Chuck (Bud Abbott): Aw, the ghost is only a rumor.
Ferdie (Lou Costello):I don’t care if he’s the landlord! What if he comes back?
Ferdie (Lou Costello): I called 42 Oh, Chucks and you didn’t come in.
Chuck (Bud Abbott): I came in as soon as you hollered ‘Oh, Chuck!’
Ferdie (Lou Costello): From now on, don’t wait for me to say ‘Oh, Chuck!’ Get in here on the ‘Oh!’
Ferdie (Lou Costello)Where were you looking?
Camille: There. [points to other candle]
Ferdie (Lou Costello)Why were you looking atthatcandle?
Camille: Because you told me to!
Ferdie (Lou Costello)Don’t believe me, I’m a liar!
Ferdie (Lou Costello): Look, from now on, keep one eye on that candle, another eye on that one, and with the other eye watch me!
Ferdie (Lou Costello): Do you feel a draft?
Camille: No.
Ferdie (Lou Costello): If these candles go out, you will; I’ll get out of here so fast, the suction will carry you along with me!
[after ‘ghost’ has slapped Ferdie from behind]
Ferdie (Lou Costello): You didn’t slap me?
Camille: No.
[‘Ghost” slaps Camille]
Camille: Don’t do that, Ferdie. I don’t like that. You’re a nice little boy, and I don’t like to see you do those things. So cut it out!
Ferdie (Lou Costello): What’d I do?
Camille: You know what you did, and don’t do it again. You slapped me! [pause] You’re supposed to be a Boy Scout!
Chuck (Bud Abbott): Moose said he kept the money in his head.
Ferdie (Lou Costello): You mean like in that thing?
Chuck (Bud Abbott): What thing?
Ferdie (Lou Costello): [points to moose head mounted on the wall] That horse with a hat rack on his head.
Chuck (Bud Abbott): No, you don’t understand, when I say Moose kept the money in his head that’s just a figure of speech.
Ferdie (Lou Costello): Oh, figure of speech.
Chuck (Bud Abbott): You know what a figure of speech is, don’t you?
Ferdie (Lou Costello): Oh yeah, everybody knows that.
Chuck (Bud Abbott): What is it?
Ferdie (Lou Costello): A figure of speech is just like if I said to you, uh, that’s water under the bridge.
Chuck (Bud Abbott): What bridge?
Ferdie (Lou Costello): How would I know what bridge?
Chuck (Bud Abbott): Then how do you know there’s any water under it?
Ferdie (Lou Costello): There’s gotta be water under it, so the boats can go up and down!
Chuck (Bud Abbott): Up and down? Suppose they want to cross?
Ferdie (Lou Costello): I’m a sucker for arguing with this guy.
Chuck (Bud Abbott): Why do you start these arguments?
Ferdie (Lou Costello): You asked me if I knew what a figure of speech was, and I said just like water under the bridge. I shoulda said gone with the wind.
Camille: What wind?
Ferdie (Lou Costello): Am I gonna have trouble with you now?
Ferdie (Lou Costello): When I said ‘gone with the wind’ it was a figure of speech’ — like ‘never the twain shall meet.’
Camille: What twain?
Ferdie (Lou Costello): The twain on twack twee!
Ferdie (Lou Costello): [pulling money out of the stuffed moose’s mouth] Hey Camille, does mooses have tonsils?
Camille: I hope that one’s got a big one! A green one!
Ferdie (Lou Costello): [to the moose head, with his hand caught] Let go my hand! I’ll never join your lodge!
[opening night at their new resort]
Chuck (Bud Abbott): Make sure every dollar goes into that cash register. At the end of the night, I don’t want to find you short.
Ferdie (Lou Costello): What does my size have to do with the cash register?
Ferdie (Lou Costello): Camille and I had a runaway marriage.
Doc: Runaway marriage?
Ferdie (Lou Costello): Yeah, she bought the license and I ran away!
Ferdie (Lou Costello): You gotta be neat around here, or I’ll throw you out.
Tall waiter: [threateningly] Throw who out?
Ferdie (Lou Costello): Throw you out — don’t you think I can do it?
Tall waiter: NO!
Ferdie (Lou Costello): I don’t think so, either.