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Funny movie quotes from My Fair Lady

Funny movie quotes from My Fair Lady, starring Rex Harrison, Audrey Hepburn

Eliza Doolittle: The difference between a lady and a flower girl is not how she behaves, but how she is treated.

Professor Henry Higgins: There even are places where English completely disappears; in America they haven’t used it for years.

Mrs. Higgins: How ever did you learn good manners with my son around?

Eliza Doolittle: It was very difficult. I should never have known how ladies and gentlemen really behaved, if it hadn’t been for Colonel Pickering. He always showed what he thought and felt about me as if I were something better than a common flower girl. You see, Mrs. Higgins, apart from the things one can pick up, the difference between a lady and a flower girl is not how she behaves, but how she is treated. I shall always be a common flower girl to Professor Higgins, because he always treats me like a common flower girl, and always will. But I know that I shall always be a lady to Colonel Pickering, because he always treats me like a lady, and always will.

Eliza Doolittle: Come on, Dover! Come on, Dover! Move your bloomin’ arse!

Professor Henry Higgins: She’s so deliciously low. So horribly dirty.

Eliza Doolittle: I ain’t dirty! I washed my face and hands before I come, I did.

Professor Henry Higgins: The French don’t care what they do actually, as long as they pronounce it properly.

Colonel Hugh Pickering: Are you a man of good character where women are concerned?

Professor Henry Higgins: Have you ever met a man of good character where women are concerned?

Colonel Hugh Pickering: Yes, very frequently.

Professor Henry Higgins: Well, I haven’t. I find that the moment a woman makes friends with me she becomes jealous, exacting, suspicious, and a damn nuisance. And I find that the moment I make friends with a woman I become selfish and tyrannical. So here I am, a confirmed old bachelor and likely to remain so.

[repeated line]
Eliza Doolittle: I’m a good girl, I am!

Professor Henry Higgins: All right, Eliza, say it again.

Eliza Doolittle: The rine in spine sties minely in the pline.

Professor Henry Higgins: [sighs] The rain in Spain stays mainly in the plain.

Eliza Doolittle: Didn’t ah sy that?

Professor Henry Higgins: No, Eliza, you didn’t “sy” that, you didn’t even “say” that. Now every night before you get into bed, where you used to say your prayers, I want you to say “The rain in Spain stays mainly in the plain” fifty times. You’ll get much further with the Lord if you learn not to offend His ears.

Colonel Hugh Pickering: I’ll have you know, Doolittle, that Mr. Higgins’ intentions are entirely honorable!

Alfred P. Doolittle: Oh, ‘course they are, guv’nor. If I thought they wasn’t, I’d ask fifty.

Professor Henry Higgins: [shocked] You mean to say you’d sell your daughter for fifty pounds?

Colonel Hugh Pickering: Have you NO morals, man?

Alfred P. Doolittle: Nah. Nah, can’t afford ’em, guv’nor. Neither could you, if you was as poor as me.

Alfred P. Doolittle: The old bloke died and left me four thousand pounds a year in his bloomin’ will. Who asked him to make a gentleman out of me? I was happy. I was free. I touched pretty nigh everyone for money when I wanted it, same as I touched him. Now, I’m tied neck and heels, and everybody touches me. A year ago, I hadn’t a relation in the world except one or two who wouldn’t speak to me. Now, I’ve fifty, and not a decent week’s wages amongst the lot of ’em. Oh, I have to live for others now, not for myself. Middle-class morality.

Professor Henry Higgins: The question is not whether I’ve treated you rudely but whether you’ve ever heard me treat anyone else better.

Colonel Hugh Pickering: [on telephone to Scotland Yard] No, she’s no relation, no. What? Well, just let’s call her a “good friend”, shall we? I beg your pardon! Listen to me, my man, I don’t like the tenor of that question – what we do with her is our affair – your affair is bringing her back so we can continue doing it!

[repeated line}
Colonel Hugh Pickering: Well, I’m dashed!

Professor Henry Higgins: Oh, Pickering, for God’s sake stop being dashed and do something!

Mrs. Pearce: Here’s the mail, sir.

Professor Henry Higgins: Well pay the bills, and say “No” to the invitations.

Professor Henry Higgins: Would I run off and never tell me where I’m going?

Professor Henry Higgins: [singing] Women are irrational, that’s all there is to that! Their heads are full of cotton, hay, and rags. They’re nothing but exasperating, irritating, vacillating, calculating, agitating, maddening and infuriating hags!

Eliza Doolittle: You oughta be stuffed with nails, you ought!

Lady at Ball: That young woman with Colonel Pickering, find out who she is.

Zoltan Karpathy: With pleasure!

Eliza Doolittle: Uuuuuhoooooooow!

Professor Henry Higgins: Look at her, a prisoner of the gutters, condemned by every syllable she utters. By right she should be taken out and hung for the cold-blooded murder of the English tongue!

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