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Funny quotes from The Beauty Contest

Funny quotes from The Beauty Contest [The Andy Griffith Show]- where Sheriff Andy has to judge a beauty contest, and whoever wins, he loses!

Andy Taylor: I declare, folks are gettin’ tired of the mayor’s wife ridin’ out on that horse and sangin’ all that opera stuff.
Floyd Lawson: Oh, it’s not bad.
Andy Taylor: It ain’t? I declare, if you wasn’t lookin’, you couldn’t tell whether it was her singin’ or the horse whinnyin’.


Floyd Lawson: You know how we always do a pageant showing the founding of Mayberry? Well, how ’bout WITH that we also have a… beauty pageant?
Sam Lindsey: Beauty pageant. You mean with girls?
Andy Taylor: Uh, well they help.


Andy Taylor: Darlene, the kitchen’s right through that door, if that’s what you’re gropin’ for.


The bribery begins

Opie Taylor: What’s the matter with her, Pa?
Andy Taylor: Oh, I don’t know, Opie. I guess she’s just one of those girls that’s got a peculiar hitch in her git-a-long.


Mayor Pike: My wife and I were just talking. “Andy’s got to make a free, fair choice,” we said.
Andy Taylor: Well, now, that’s a breath of fresh air, I can tell you that.
Mayor Pike: You won’t be getting any pressure from us, Andy. We don’t care which of our three daughters you pick.
Andy Taylor: Well, now that leaves the field wide open, don’t it?


Aunt Bee Taylor: Henrietta, why don’t you sit down?
Andy Taylor: Well, yeah, you must be tired walkin’ clear across town for a cup of sugar.
Henrietta Swanson: Oh, I NEVER get tired when I’m out walkin’ with my award-winnin’ daughter.
Aunt Bee Taylor: Award-winning?
Henrietta Swanson: She’s been going to Miss Wellington’s School for Girls… in Raleigh.
Andy Taylor: Ohhh!
Henrietta Swanson: [proudly] She was voted “Young Lady Most Likely to Become Charming.”
Andy Taylor: Well, say now, becomin’ charmin’. Now that IS something to look forward to, ain’t it?
Henrietta Swanson: We think Miss Wellington’s done WONDERS for Darlene. Do you know at the age of 19 she’s lost all her baby fat?
Andy Taylor: I noticed that. I noticed that RIGHT off when she come in through the door there. I says to myself, I says, “That Darlene’s knees ain’t nearly as puffy as they used to be.”


The winner is …

Andy Taylor: Ah… folks, uh, in order to judge a beauty contest I-I think it’s good to know what beauty really is. Now, they-they’s outside beauty – I guess we can all see that, aheh – and then they’s inside beauty.
Henrietta Swanson: Sheriff, are you gonna name the winner or not?
Andy Taylor: I-I’m goin’ to, ma’am. I’m goin’ to right now. Miss, uh, Bishop, would you bring up the robe please? Thank ya. Wait, wait, Miss Bishop, wait. Folks, to present to you the most logical choice, most obvious choice and in fact the only choice, I present to you her royal highness, Miss Mayberry… Miss Erma Bishop. For doin’ such a beautiful job with this here pageant and just behavin’ beautifully through the whole thing, I crown thee, Miss Mayberry. [contestant losers all burst out crying, save one… ]
Ellie Walker: Andy, it WAS the best choice.
Andy Taylor: Well, maybe I better see if I can stop this cryin’ jag.

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