Funny Movie Quotes from Yours, Mine and Ours (1968) starring Lucille Ball and Henry Fonda
Frank Beardsley (Henry Fonda): [narrating] It was a typical wedding: enemies of the bride on the right, enemies of the groom on the left.
Jean North: You mean he doesn’t know about us?
Helen North (Lucille Ball): Well of course he does darling!
Jean North: All of us?
Colleen North: Oh mother that’s so romantic! You lied to him!
Helen North (Lucille Ball): I did not lie to him! I just didn’t have the nerve to tell him the whole truth!
Colleen North: Mmm, I understand! No man wants a liaison with a woman with eight children!
Janette North: What’s a liaison?
Colleen North: An affair.
Janette North: That’s what I thought.
Jean North: Me too.
Phillip North: I’m legal!
Helen North (Lucille Ball): I got here as fast as I could, Sister Mary. What is it this time?
Sister Mary Alice: Why don’t you ask Phillip?
Helen North (Lucille Ball): Phillip?
[Phillip turns around revealing a black eye]
Helen North (Lucille Ball): Darling! What happened?
Phillip North: Nothing.
Helen North (Lucille Ball): Who did that to you?
Phillip North: One of the kids.
[points at Sister Mary]
Phillip North: She started it. She says I’m not legal.
Helen North (Lucille Ball): What?
Phillip North: And Mike isn’t my brother.
Helen North (Lucille Ball): Of course he’s your brother.
Phillip North: Then my name’s Phillip Beardsley.
Sister Mary Alice: Phillip North.
Phillip North: There she goes again.
Helen North (Lucille Ball): Sister couldn’t you ‘ couldn’t you just call him Phillip Beardsley?
Sister Mary Alice: I’m sorry, but the school requires that we use their legal names.
Phillip North: Let’s go to another school.
Helen North (Lucille Ball): Sister, I, uh, I understand your legal problem, but you must try to understand mine. You see, I’m trying to bring two families together, and this is the first sign that I may be succeeding. So I really would appreciate it if you’d let Phillip sign his name Beardsley.
Sister Mary Alice: But legally, it’s North.
Helen North (Lucille Ball): But it’s more important that emotionally, it’s Beardsley.
Sister Mary Alice: North.
Helen North (Lucille Ball): Beardsley.
Sister Mary Alice: North!
Helen North (Lucille Ball): Beardsley, Beardsley, Beardsley!
Phillip North: Watch out, Mom. You might get a black eye.
Helen North (Lucille Ball): [getting ready for her date with Frank] Good heavens! What did you do to this dress?
Colleen North: Oh, Mother, it was practically an antique!
Janette North: We just shortened it a little.
Helen North (Lucille Ball): A little? I look like a teeny-bopper!
Janette North: What’s wrong with that?
Helen North (Lucille Ball): I can’t go out like this!
Jean North: Why not? Your legs are better than mine.
Family Doctor: Call my wife, will you, and tell her I’m on my way home?
[beat]
Family Doctor: And tell her thank you.
Frank Beardsley (Henry Fonda): For what?
Family Doctor: We don’t have any children.
Helen North (Lucille Ball): Frank, there’s something I have to tell you before we go any further. I have eight children.
[sudden panic]
Helen North (Lucille Ball): Frank! We’re on a cable car!
Frank Beardsley (Henry Fonda): Of course.
Helen North (Lucille Ball): I get sick on cable cars!
Frank Beardsley (Henry Fonda): Well wait’ll you hear what I have to tell you. I have TEN children.
Helen North (Lucille Ball): Ten. TEN? Frank! Eight and ten is’¦
Frank Beardsley (Henry Fonda): Ridiculous.
Warrant Officer Darrel Harrison (Van Johnson): [after Helen’s false eyelash falls into her drink] Your Irish coffee is *winking* at me.
Howard Beardsley: Is, uh, is this the Beardsley’s new house?
Nancy Beardsley: We’ve come to deliver the babies.
Family Doctor: Oh, have a heart! Leave them on somebody else’s doorstep.
Helen North (Lucille Ball): [drunk] Boy, if this damn room would stop rolling around maybe I could find some place to be sick!
Family Doctor: [Helen is pregnant, but Mike doesn’t know] How’s your mother?
Mike Beardsley: You mean my stepmother. Oh, she’s fine, I guess.
Family Doctor: No morning sickness?
Mike Beardsley: No, doc, I feel fine.
Family Doctor: Not you, your mother!
Mike Beardsley: Well, why should she have mor’? Morning sickness!
[rolls his eyes in disbelief]
Family Doctor: We need a sample of your blood.
Mike Beardsley: Take it all!
Mike Beardsley: [confronting Helen about her pregnancy] You knew about it Christmas Day, didn’t you?
Helen North (Lucille Ball): Yes.
Mike Beardsley: And you still let Dad ship out. Why?
Helen North (Lucille Ball): He wanted so much to go. Two people can’t live with an ocean between them for the rest of their lives.
Mike Beardsley: Do you really want this baby?
Helen North (Lucille Ball): Very much. You see, he won’t have to worry whether he’s a Beardsley or a North.
Mike Beardsley: [nods his head in understanding]
Frank Beardsley (Henry Fonda): We’ve decided to use our company manners. Helen, the boys have something to say to you.
Greg Beardsley: Mrs. North, I apologize for putting all that gin in your drink.
Helen North (Lucille Ball): Ooh, that’s what did it.
Rusty Beardsley: And I apologize for all that vodka.
Mike Beardsley: And I apologize for the scotch.
Helen North (Lucille Ball): Scotch, vodka, and’?
Frank Beardsley (Henry Fonda): Helen, you’ve been the victim of an alcoholic Pearl Harbor. It’s amazing you survived at all.
Colleen North: Larry says he’ll never speak to me again unless I grow up. He says that I’m being ridiculous and I don’t love him, but I do love him. Am I being ridiculous?
Frank Beardsley (Henry Fonda): You’re not being ridiculous.
Colleen North: Well, do all the other girls, like Larry says? And am I just being old-fashioned?
Frank Beardsley (Henry Fonda): The same idiots were passing the same rumors when I was your age, but if all the girls did, how come I always ended up with the ones who didn’t?
Colleen North: But it’s all different now!
Frank Beardsley (Henry Fonda): I don’t know, they wrote Fanny Hill in 1742 and they haven’t found anything new since.
Veronica Beardsley: Who’s Fanny Hill?
Frank Beardsley (Henry Fonda): Go to bed, that’s who Fanny Hill is.
Colleen North: [Helen is about to have a baby] I know this is a terrible time to talk about it, but Larry says’
Frank Beardsley (Henry Fonda): I’ve got a message for Larry. You tell him this is what it’s all about. This is the real happening. If you want to know what love really is, take a look around you.
Helen North (Lucille Ball): What are you two talking about?
Frank Beardsley (Henry Fonda): Take a good look at your mother.
Helen North (Lucille Ball): Not now!
Frank Beardsley (Henry Fonda): Yes, now.
[To Colleen]
Frank Beardsley (Henry Fonda): It’s giving life that counts. Until you’re ready for it, all the rest is just a big fraud. All the crazy haircuts in the world won’t keep it turning. Life isn’t a love in, it’s the dishes and the orthodontist and the shoe repairman and ‘¦ ground round instead of roast beef. And I’ll tell you something else: it isn’t going to a bed with a man that proves you’re in love with him; it’s getting up in the morning and facing the drab, miserable, wonderful everyday world with him that counts.
[Leaving the house, they say good-bye to the little kids]
Frank Beardsley (Henry Fonda): I suppose having 19 kids is carrying it a bit too far, but if we had it to do over who would we skip ‘¦ you?
Helen North (Lucille Ball): [getting into the car] Thank you, Frank. I never quite knew how to explain it to her.
Frank Beardsley (Henry Fonda): If we don’t get you to the hospital fast, the rest of it’s going to be explained right here