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Quotes from Goodness Had Nothing to Do With It

Quotes from Goodness Had Nothing to Do With It [The Red Skelton Show]

Quotes from Goodness Had Nothing to Do With It – a very funny episode of The Red Skelton Show, where Mae West meets several of Red’s characters!

Cauliflower McPugg

Cauliflower McPugg: You’re like that wrestler I know, Joe. Every night he sets up with his wife and kids and watches the television. Heh.
Athlete: What’s wrong with that?
Cauliflower McPugg: He ain’t got no wife and kids! Come to think of it, he don’t got a television set. I know — I fixed it for him three times.

Mae West: [to Cauliflower] I’d tell you to get lost, but I’m afraid you’d find your way back.

Clem Kadiddlehopper

Hotel manager: You idiot, I almost swallowed that pen!
Clem Kadiddlehopper: Yeah, you could have autographed your own liver!

Clem Kadiddlehopper: [to the hotel manager] There’s something phony with the bridal suite. They don’t have any horses up there!
Hotel manager: There aren’t supposed to be horses up there!
Clem Kadiddlehopper: Then how come you rent ’em to a groom?

Hotel manager: Get those valises to the 12th floor.
Clem Kadiddlehopper: Not me! I walked up to the 12th floor already, and those stairs are murder!
Hotel manager: Don’t be an idiot, why didn’t you take the stairs?
Clem Kadiddlehopper: The elevator’s heavier than the valises!
Hotel Manager: Good heavens, man, why do you think we have an elevator in this building going up and down?
Clem Kadiddlehopper: Because it doesn’t go sideways!

Clem Kadiddlehopper: [to Mae West] Did anyone ever tell you, you look like Mae West?
Mae West: Thanks. Anyone ever tell you, you look like Red Skelton?
Clem Kadiddlehopper: Let’s not get insulting about it!

Mae West: What’s your name?
Clem Kadiddlehopper: I’m Clem Kadiddlehopper.
Mae West. Don’t get vulgar.
Clem Kadiddlehopper: No, Vulgar Kadiddlehopper is my cousin!

San Fernando Red

Charles Copeland: What is this hidden power you have over men?
Mae West: I didn’t know it was hidden.

San Fernando Red: [greeting a Frenchman] Always glad to meet a Texan.
Frenchman: I am a Frenchman from Cannes.
San Fernando Red: What will they think of next? Canned Frenchman!

Frenchman: [after San Fernando has cheated him at cards] I smell something fishy around here!
San Fernando Red: Must be coming in to the shrimp boats.

San Fernando Red: How about a little game of cards here? What’s your pleasure?
Mae West: Never mind.

San Fernando Red: We’ll play a little draw poker here.
Mae West: But keep your hands out of the drawer.

San Fernando Red: How many cards would you like?
Mae West: I like what I got.
San Fernando Red: So do I, but how many cards?

San Fernando Red: There’s something crooked about this game – this ain’t the hand I dealt myself!

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