Funny movie quotes from The Road to Hong Kong, starring Bob Hope, Bing Crosby, Dorothy Lamour, Joan Collins
Harry Turner (Bing Crosby): Chester, I give you my SOLEMN word. THIS time it’s not dangerous.
Chester Babcock (Bob Hope): Not dangerous?
Harry Turner (Bing Crosby): No.
Chester Babcock (Bob Hope): That’s what ‘cha said when you shot me out of a cannon, when you dropped me in a tank with an octopus, when you had me wrestle a gorilla. It’s not dangerous! I’m not goin’. I’m through. I’ve had it. So forget it, *Charly*!
Harry Turner (Bing Crosby): [hands Chester a hand mirror] Who’s that?
Chester Babcock (Bob Hope): [seeing his reflection] I don’t know, but gimme a stick and I’ll kill it.
Chester Babcock (Bob Hope): Why do you suppose they’re sending *us* up?
Harry Turner (Bing Crosby): They wanna find out if it’s gonna be safe for the apes.
Chester Babcock (Bob Hope): Oh.
Chester Babcock (Bob Hope): [espying Dean Martin and Frank Sinatra] The Italians have landed!
Harry Turner (Bing Crosby): That’s the grape and the twig, isn’t is?
Chester Babcock (Bob Hope): Yeah, and they got the bar open.
Harry Turner (Bing Crosby): Let’s break it up.
Chester Babcock (Bob Hope): Those tourists.
Leader of the 3rd Echelon: In that rocket, we’re about to send two animals around the moon; and, if we succeed, we shall next send two men. And from the moon, that point of impenetrable power, I shall go before the United Nations and demand that they accede to our total and absolute control.
Chester Babcock (Bob Hope): [to Harry] I think he rolls his own.
Harry Turner (Bing Crosby): An hour ago she flipped over me. I don’t dig it.
Chester Babcock (Bob Hope): Well, that’s understandable. An impressionable young thing falls for an elderly fellow. She probably thought you were a father figure.
Harry Turner (Bing Crosby): Father figure?
Chester Babcock (Bob Hope): Yes, then she took another look and found out you had your father’s figure.
Diane (Joan Collins): There must be some sensible solution to this problem.
Harry Turner (Bing Crosby): Well, of course there is. Two fellas, one girl. Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays, you come to my house.
Chester Babcock (Bob Hope): Yeah. Tuesdays, Thursdays and Saturdays, my house.
Diane (Joan Collins): What about Sunday?
Chester Babcock (Bob Hope): Everbody rests.
Chester Babcock (Bob Hope): No, I can see the tears forming in your wallet.
Harry Turner (Bing Crosby): Well, don’t get sore at me. It’s just a plot point.
Harry Turner (Bing Crosby): Don’t I always get you the best medical attention available?
Chester Babcock (Bob Hope): Yeah, like that doctor you got me in Bombay last month.
Harry Turner (Bing Crosby): How was I going to know he was an elephant doctor?
Chester Babcock (Bob Hope): You should have known by the size of his thermometer.
Harry Turner (Bing Crosby): Yes, was a bit large.
Chester Babcock (Bob Hope): When he shook it, I was still on it.
Harry Turner (Bing Crosby): Happy landings, buster!
Chester Babcock (Bob Hope): I don’t know what you’re so happy about. You’re not mentioned in my will.
Indian Neurologist: [examining Chester] Ugh!
Harry Turner (Bing Crosby): What is it, Doctor?
Indian Neurologist: Terrible heartburn. Oh, dear, put too much curry in my corn flakes, you understand.
[as the neurologist plays his flute during Chester’s examination, a cobra rises from its basket]
Indian Neurologist: Oh, nothing to worry about. If he should give you a nip, it’s very simple. All you do is to get hold of your bowie knife like this, make a cut on here, suck out the poison and spit it away. Very simple.
Chester Babcock (Bob Hope): Yeah, but what if he bites me in a place I can’t reach?
Indian Neurologist: That is when you find out who your real friends are.
[while agent Diane mistakenly thinks she’s made her secret contact with a microfilm photographer, Chester, thinking himself a chick magnet, simply believes he’s caught the eye of a beautiful, romantic woman]
Diane (Joan Collins): [whispers] Do you think we’re being watched?
Chester Babcock (Bob Hope): [noticing Harry staring at them from the bar] Definitely.
Diane (Joan Collins): Oh, then we’ll have to hurry.
Chester Babcock (Bob Hope): Have we got time?
Diane (Joan Collins): If you work fast.
Chester Babcock (Bob Hope): I’ll do my best.
Diane (Joan Collins): Good. Now, I’ve got the room ready at the hotel.
Chester Babcock (Bob Hope): Good.
Diane (Joan Collins): I’ve made all the arrangements.
Chester Babcock (Bob Hope): Fine.
Diane (Joan Collins): The shades are all drawn.
Chester Babcock (Bob Hope): Very sensible.
Diane (Joan Collins): And we can lock the door from the inside.
Chester Babcock (Bob Hope): Oh, good. I’d hate to get a crowd until I get the hang of it.
[Agent Diane continues to mistakenly think she’s made her secret contact with a microfilm photographer while Chester, thinking himself a chick magnet, still believes he’s caught the eye of a beautiful, romantic woman]
Diane (Joan Collins): Are you sure you’ve done this sort of thing before?
Chester Babcock (Bob Hope): [suffering from amnesia] Well, I MUST have. When do we start?
Diane (Joan Collins): Right now.
Diane (Joan Collins): [suddenly shouting] Darling, it’s so wonderful to see you again.
[She slips him an envelop as she kisses him]
Diane (Joan Collins): [whispering] You’ve got it.
Chester Babcock (Bob Hope): [ego stroked and oblivious to the envelope] I know it.
Diane (Joan Collins): Don’t lose it.
Chester Babcock (Bob Hope): Don’t worry.
Diane (Joan Collins): I’ll see you at the hotel.
Chester Babcock (Bob Hope): Pull the shades and lock the door.
Diane (Joan Collins): One final thing.
Chester Babcock (Bob Hope): Yes?
Diane (Joan Collins): In case I’m late, you go ahead without me.
Harry Turner (Bing Crosby): You got a mind like a sponge.
Chester Babcock (Bob Hope): Yeah, don’t get any ideas about squeezing it, either.
Diane (Joan Collins): Are you sure you’re not pulling my leg?
Harry Turner (Bing Crosby): Business first, fun and games later, mm?
Chester Babcock (Bob Hope): [cracks open a fortune cookie and reads] “You are under grave suspicion. Your partner suspects you of dishonesty.”
Chester Babcock (Bob Hope): [passing it to Harry] Here, it’s for you.
Harry Turner (Bing Crosby): [gazing out an airplane window] There she lies, Chester – Hong Kong.
Chester Babcock (Bob Hope): Yeah, what a monument to fried rice.
Chester Babcock (Bob Hope): Hey, we’re UNDER water! That’s the ocean!
Harry Turner (Bing Crosby): So?
Chester Babcock (Bob Hope): So? We spring a little leak, we’ll drown.
Harry Turner (Bing Crosby): Well, you don’t have to worry. You got a built-in snorkel.
Chester Babcock (Bob Hope): [seeing a shark outside the porthole] Looks like he just ate Lloyd Bridges.
Harry Turner (Bing Crosby): Don’t worry. They don’t eat people.
Chester Babcock (Bob Hope): How about actors.
Harry Turner (Bing Crosby): We’re safe.
Diane (Joan Collins): Mr. Babcock, if you leave now, you’ll be running out on your fellow man.
Chester Babcock (Bob Hope): That still leaves my fellow women.
Harry Turner (Bing Crosby): Chester, search your secret soul. Ask your patriotic conscience what to do.
Chester Babcock (Bob Hope): I already did.
Harry Turner (Bing Crosby): What’d it say?
Chester Babcock (Bob Hope): “Yankee, go home.”
Chester Babcock (Bob Hope): My nose bleeds when I put my carpet slippers on.
Diane (Joan Collins): At least you can die like heroes.
Chester Babcock (Bob Hope): Nah, but we’re to old to die.
Diane (Joan Collins): I could love you, body and soul.
Chester Babcock (Bob Hope): They’re available, in that order.
Chester Babcock (Bob Hope): Who do you think they’ll be shooting at – you or the schnook with the I.B.M. machine up his univac?
Diane (Joan Collins): Trust me and you’ll come to no harm.
Chester Babcock (Bob Hope): Trust me and I make no promises.
Harry Turner (Bing Crosby): How do we get out of here?
Diane (Joan Collins): The submarine. I can handle it.
Chester Babcock (Bob Hope): I know. I read the script.
Harry Turner (Bing Crosby): Those guys mean business. They’re killers, murders.
Chester Babcock (Bob Hope): Besides that, they’re unfriendly.
Editorial review of The Road to Hong Kong courtesy of Amazon.com
“The laughs come thick and fast” (Variety) in this seventh hilarious Road movie from Bing Crosby and Bob Hope. Cavorting through a series of madcap adventures with Joan Collins, Dorothy Lamour and Robert Morley as well as Peter Sellers, Frank Sinatra, Dean Martin and David Niven Crosby and Hope dish out a “fricassee of jokes and gags” (Los Angeles Times) in what may be the wildest entry in their popular film series! Vaudevillians Harry (Crosby) and Chester (Hope) travel to Tibet to search for a drug to restore Chester’s memory. Once they find the cure, Chester’s memory becomes so good that he accidentally memorizes a secret formula for space navigation. Soon the two meet up with a beautiful spy (Collins) and get slightly sidetracked’to another planet!