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Funny movie quotes from Monkey Business

Funny movie quotes from Monkey Business starring the Marx Brothers – a madcap movie starring Groucho, Chico, Harpo, Zeppo and Thelma Todd

Groucho: Afraid? Me? A man who’s licked his weight in wild caterpillars? AFRAID? You bet I’m afraid!

Groucho: Oh, I know it’s a penny here and a penny there, but look at me. I worked myself up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.

Groucho: Mrs. Briggs, I’ve known and respected your husband Alky for many years. And what’s good enough for him is good enough for me. [He suddenly grabs her and pulls her down onto a couch.]

Groucho : Columbus was sailing along on his vessel…
Chico: On his what?
Groucho: Not on his what, on his vessel. Don’t you know what vessel is?
Chico: Sure, I can vessel [starts whistling]

Madame Swempski: I don’t like this innuendo.
Groucho: That’s what I always say. Love flies out the door when money comes innuendo

Thelma Todd: I wanna sing. I wanna dance. I wanna ha-cha-ha.

Groucho: Oh, why can’t we break away from all this, just you and I, and lodge with my fleas in the hills? I mean flee to my lodge in the hills.

Groucho: How about you and I passing out on the veranda, or would you rather pass out here?
Woman at party: Sir, you have the advantage of me.
Groucho : Not yet I haven’t, but wait till I get you outside.

Captain Corcoran: [describing the stowaways] One of them goes around with a black moustache.
Groucho: So do I. If I had my choice I’d go around with a little blonde.
Captain Concoran: I said, one goes around with a black moustache.
Groucho: Well, you couldn’t expect a moustache to go around by itself. Don’t you think a moustache ever gets lonely, Captain?
Chico: Hey, sure it gets-a lonely. Hey, when my grandfather’s beard gets here I’d like it to meet your moustache.
Groucho: Well, I’ll think it over. I’ll talk it over with my moustache. Tell me, has your grandfather’s beard got any money?
Chico: Money? Why, he fell hair to a fortune.

Captain Concoran: Stockholders, huh? Well, you look like a couple of stowaways to me.
Groucho: Well, don’t forget, my fine fellow, that the stockholder of yesteryear is the stowaway of today.

Chico: My father was-a partners with Columbus.
Groucho: Your father and Columbus were partners?
Chico: You bet.
Groucho: Columbus has been dead four hundred years.
Chico: Well, they told me it was my father.

Groucho: I’ll thank you to let me do the reporting around here. Is it true you’re getting a divorce as soon as your husband recovers his eyesight? Is it true you wash your hair in clam broth? Is it true you used to dance in a flea circus?

Gibson, First Mate: I’m sorry to have to report there are four stowaways in the forward hatch.
Captain Corcoran: Stowaways? How do you know there are four of them?
Gibson, First Mate: Well, they were singing Sweet Adeline.

Groucho: If this is the Captain, I’m gonna have a few words with him. My hot water’s been cold for three days. And I haven’t got room enough in here to swing a cat. In fact, I haven’t even got a cat.

Groucho: Are you the floorwalker of this ship? I want to register a complaint.
Captain Corcoran: Why? What’s the matter?
Groucho: Matter enough. You know who sneaked into my stateroom at three o’clock this morning?
Captain Corcoran: Who did that?
Groucho: Nobody, and that’s my complaint.

Captain Corcoran: I want you to know that I’ve been Captain of this ship for 22 years.
Groucho: 22 years, eh? If you were a man, you’d go in business for yourself. I know a fellow started only last year with just a canoe. Now he’s got more women than you could shake a stick at, if that’s your idea of a good time.

Groucho: Oh, engineer? Will you tell them to stop the boat from rocking, I’m going to have lunch.

Groucho: You’re just wasting your breath, and that’s no great loss either.

Thelma Todd: You can’t stay in that closet.
Groucho: [emerging behind her] Oh, I can’t, can I? That’s what they said to Thomas Edison, mighty inventor; Thomas Lindbergh, mighty flier; and Thomas Shefsky, mighty like a rose. Just remember, my little cabbage, that if there weren’t any closets, there wouldn’t be any hooks, and if there weren’t any hooks, there wouldn’t be any fish, and that would suit me fine.

Groucho: I’m going back in the closet, where men… are empty overcoats.

Zeppo: Everybody seems to be having nearly as much fun as I am.

Groucho: If you look at it, it’s a barn. If you smell it, it’s a stable.
Chico: Well, let’s just look at it.

Thelma Todd: But from the time he got the marriage license, I’ve lead a dog’s life.
Groucho: Are you sure he didn’t get a dog’s license?

Chico: Well, it’s better to have lost in love than never to have lost at all.
Groucho: Good work.
Groucho: Nice old piece of melodrama, kidnapping a girl. You’ve been reading too many dime novels.

Groucho (in a barn): Where’s all those farmer’s daughters I’ve been hearing about for years?

Groucho: I know, heifer cow is better than none, but this is no time for puns.

Groucho: With a little study you’ll go a long ways, and I wish you’d start now.

Groucho: You call this a party? The beer is warm, the women cold and I’m hot under the collar.

Gibson, First Mate: Who are you?
Groucho: I’m the tailor.
Gibson, First Mate: Oh, that reminds me, where are my pants?
Groucho: You’ve got ‘em on.

Groucho: Sir, are you trying to offer me a bribe? How much?

Groucho: Madam, before I get through with you, you will have a clear case for divorce, and so will my wife.

Alky Briggs: Okay, he’s in there. When he comes out, plug him.
Zeppo: What do we plug him with?
Alky Briggs: [referring to guns] Didn’t I give you two gats?
Groucho: We had to drown the gats, but we saved you a little black gitten.

Chico: Mustard’s no good without roast beef.
Manicurist: Do you want your nails trimmed long?
Chico: Oh, about an hour and a half. I got nothin’ to do.

Groucho: Oh no, you’re not gonna get me off this bed.
Thelma Todd: I didn’t know you were a lawyer. You’re awfully shy for a lawyer.
Groucho: You bet I’m shy. I’m a shyster lawyer.

Thelma Todd: [talking to Groucho in the closet] What are you doing in there?
Groucho: Nothing. Come on in.
[Groucho does his famous eyebrow wiggle]

Gangster: Get out of that loft!
Chico: Well, better to have loft and lost than never to have loft at all.

Captain Corcoran: Gibson, have you been drinking again?

Cab Driver at Barn: That’ll be $1.10.
Groucho: Heres a dollar, keep the change.
Cab Driver at Barn: But I said a dollar TEN!
Groucho: All right, give ME the dollar, ILL keep the change.

Chico: I didn’t eat in three days.
Groucho: Three days? We’ve only been on the boat two days.
Chico: I didn’t eat yesterday, I didn’t eat today, and I won’t eat tomorrow. That makes three days.

Waiter: Would you like to have anything before lunch?
Chico: Yes, breakfast.

Groucho: Sorry, I can’t stay. The captains waiting to chase me.

Chico: We’re great, huh?
Joe Helton: You’re great.
Chico: My partner?
Joe Helton: He’s great.
Chico: My grandfather’s great. He’s a great-grandfather.

Chico: Take her pulse. Not purse, put it back. Pulse.

Groucho: I’m just trying to sneak off the boat, that’s all.

Chico: It’s coming by hair mail.

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