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Apple Dumpling Gang – funny quotes

Funny movie quotes from the classic Disney film, The Apple Dumpling Gang starring Tim Conway, Don Knotts, Bill Bixby, Henry Morgan

Amos Tucker (Tim Conway): How much money do you figure that dude’s got in front of him?
Theodore Ogelvie (Don Knotts) : About 500.
Amos Tucker (Tim Conway): 500? Wow! You know, that’ll be, uh, that’s 200 apiece!

Theodore Ogelvie (Don Knotts): You know something, Amos? The Lord poured your brains in with a teaspoon, and somebody joggled His arm.

Theodore Oglivie (Don Knotts): Amos, that’s the most humiliating thing that’s ever happened to me.
Amos Tucker (Tim Conway): I know.
Theodore Ogelvie (Don Knotts): Three bitty kids with shovels walk right into our hideout and get the drop on us.
Amos Tucker (Tim Conway): I know.
Theodore Oglivie (Don Knotts): And you burnt my hand, Amos.
Amos Tucker (Tim Conway): Well, I’m sorry about that.
Theodore Oglivie (Don Knotts): And you scorched a hole in my best shirt!
Amos Tucker (Tim Conway): Well, I can fix that.
Theodore Oglivie (Don Knotts): [suddenly blows his top] Why did you tell me those three bitty kids were a posse?
Amos Tucker (Tim Conway): Well, I thought I saw them hiding down there in the bushes.
Theodore Oglivie (Don Knotts): Oh, you couldn’t see through a barbed-wire fence!
Amos Tucker (Tim Conway): Theodore?
Theodore Oglivie (Don Knotts): That head of yours wouldn’t hold straw!
Amos Tucker (Tim Conway): Theodore?
Theodore Oglivie (Don Knotts): You couldn’t sell hacksaws in a jail!

Homer McCoy (Harry Morgan): Welcome to Quake City, Donovan. Looks like luck is against you.
Russell Donovan (Bill Bixby): Well, there’s one good thing about luck – it always changes. And I got a feeling mine is just around the corner

John Wintle: Donovan! I haven’t seen you since, ah’€…
Russell Donovan (Bill Bixby): Santa Fe.
John Wintle: Right!
Russell Donovan (Bill Bixby): When you sold me the Marshal’s horse.
John Wintle: Right. I was just funnin’, Donovan.
Russell Donovan (Bill Bixby): The Marshal wasn’t amused.

Homer McCoy (Harry Morgan): This court is now in session, the Honorable Homer McCoy presiding. Theodore Ogelvie, Amos Tucker, you’re charged with attempted bank robbery. How do you plead? Guilty or not guilty?
Theodore Oglivie (Don Knotts): Not guilty?
Homer McCoy (Harry Morgan): Guilty!
Amos Tucker (Tim Conway): That was the wrong one.
Homer McCoy (Harry Morgan): This court sentences you to be hung by the neck until dead. And I’m fining you an extra ten bucks for perjury. Let ’em out.
[Amos and Ted are let out of the cage]
Homer McCoy (Harry Morgan): Be down at the old oak tree near Boot Hill at twelve o’clock sharp for your hanging. And bring your own rope.
Frank Stillwell: Anytime you got one of them down-home sheriffs, you always got a town full of vigilantes.

Homer McCoy (Harry Morgan): I’ve never teamed two more unlikely prospects. You two go together like ice cream and whiskey. But I guess you’d be man and wife same as regular people, and nobody could say different.

Theodore Ogelvie (Don Knotts): You know something, Amos?
Amos Tucker (Tim Conway): Huh?
Theodore Ogelvie (Don Knotts): We got to make a decision.
Amos Tucker (Tim Conway): What?
Theodore Oglivie (Don Knotts): Does the Hash Knife Outfit throw in its hand? Or do we go out in a blaze of glory?
Amos Tucker (Tim Conway): Right! Uh, just what do you mean: blaze of glory?
Theodore Oglivie (Don Knotts): Fighting till the last man’s killed! What’s it going to be, pard?
Amos Tucker (Tim Conway): You know that jail in Santa Fe wasn’t all that bad.
Theodore Ogelvie (Don Knotts): You know something, Amos? The Lord poured your brains in with a teaspoon, and somebody joggled His arm. I keep trying to tell you we ain’t got no lead to throw, and no powder to throw it with.

Homer McCoy (Harry Morgan): Donovan, this is just a half portion of a town, but we do have certain what you might call rules to live by! You don’t jump another man’s claim; you don’t steal his wife, woman or whiskey; you don’t strike a bargain and then entertain second thoughts about the matter. Any one of these offenses could make you the exalted guest of honor at a hemp party.

Sheriff Homer McCoy (Harry Morgan): If you need a haircut, Wintle, my barbershop’s closed. If you’re lookin’ to sue somebody, my court’s open every Tuesday. If you want the sheriff, I’m playin’ poker. Deuces bet a dollar.

Bobby: Clovis don’t like to be touched.
Russell Donovan (Bill Bixby): [looking skyward, trying to talk to God] What have I done to deserve this?
Clovis: Who are you talking to?
Russell Donovan (Bill Bixby): It doesn’t matter. I don’t think He’s listening to me anyway.

Theodore (Don Knotts): Will you stop tryin’ to think!

Theodore (Don Knotts): You and me been through a lot together, and although I climbed your hump once in a while, I … I just couldn’t have asked for a better partner. If we meet again in that big roundup in the sky sometime, I’m gonna spread my blanket ‘side of yours, just the same as always.

Theodore (Don Knotts): It’s a piece of cake.
Amos (Tim Conway): You mean it ain’t gold?

Sheriff Homer McCoy (Harry Morgan): You’re rear end’s on fire, Theodore.
Theodore (Don Knotts): Oh. Thank you.
[Jumps and frantically slaps fire out; glares at Amos]
Theodore (Don Knotts): Why didn’t you tell me my rear end was on fire?
Amos (Tim Conway): Well, you said not to do anything to attract attention.

Sheriff Homer McCoy (Harry Morgan): Dusty’s a fine specimen of womanhood! I seen her get caught in a cloudburst once, and I wanna to tell you!

Russell Donovan (Bill Bixby): Three “widdle” kids? Three little swindlers, you mean.

Theodore (Don Knotts): [to Amos, about a ladder] Get back, you cabbage head! You’re gonna bust it!
Bobby: Where’s your friend?
Theodore (Don Knotts): He better be in another county!

Sheriff Homer McCoy (Harry Morgan): You two couldn’t steal candy from a baby without coming out on the short end.

Theodore (Don Knotts): You don’t thank a man for hanging you, you leather-brained ignoramus.

Sheriff Homer McCoy (Harry Morgan): That’s two bits.
Barbershop Customer: But I’ve only got half a shave!
Sheriff Homer McCoy (Harry Morgan): A whole shave’s four bits. Now git before I fine you for loitering.

[Dusty is trying to beat him up]
Russell Donovan (Bill Bixby): Dusty, will you just let me say one word?
Dusty: One!
Russell Donovan (Bill Bixby): Dusty …
Dusty: That’s it!

Bobby: We want you to have our gold nugget.
Amos (Tim Conway): What gold nugget is that?
Bobby: The one you tried to steal.
Amos (Tim Conway): Oh, that gold nugget.

Amos (Tim Conway): Uh, still aren’t mad ’cause I shot you in the leg, are you, Frank?

Amos (Tim Conway): I’m gonna buy some new toes.

Russell Donovan (Bill Bixby): You always kiss like that?
Dusty: I’ve been saving up.

Dusty: Donovan? Yes you, you snake oil salesman! Are you coming out here or am I coming in there?
Russell Donovan (Bill Bixby): What’s the matter, Dusty? Is there some trouble?
Dusty: Yes, there’s trouble all right! And you’re in it!

Celia Bradley: Mr. Donovan, I gotta go.
Russell Donovan (Bill Bixby): [beat] But you just went.
Celia Bradley: I gotta go again.
Russell Donovan (Bill Bixby): That’s impossible! Go to sleep.
Celia Bradley: I’m gonna have an accident!

Dusty: Donovan? I’m sorry I hit you in the head with a spitoon.
Russell Donovan (Bill Bixby): [smiles] A perfectly logical misunderstanding. And I’m sorry I offered to buy you a drink in the saloon.
Dusty: A perfectly logical misunderstanding.
Russell Donovan (Bill Bixby): Well I wouldn’t make that mistake again.
Dusty: You wouldn’t?
Russell Donovan (Bill Bixby): [steps closer, looks as if he’s about to kiss her – then he shakes her hand instead] Good luck, Dusty.

Clovis: What’s that?
Russell Donovan (Bill Bixby): Salt pork.
Russell Donovan (Bill Bixby): I think.
Clovis: It looks like fat.
Russell Donovan (Bill Bixby): Well, whatever it, it’s dinner.
Clovis: [disgusted] That’s dinner?
Russell Donovan (Bill Bixby): That’s dinner!

Russell Donovan (Bill Bixby): [Donovan’s been trying all day to pawn the orphans off on someone else] Ah, the lady of the house!
Mrs. Stockley: [Drops her empty gin bottle and it shatters] Kids, yick!
Russell Donovan (Bill Bixby): The children are marvelous about parties. They love parties themselves!
[She begins to close the door on him]
Russell Donovan (Bill Bixby): If you’d just take one small look’€¦
Bobby: Who was that?
Russell Donovan (Bill Bixby): [Flatly] The president of the garden club.

Frank Stillwell: If I ever get within shootin’ distance of that doggone Amos Tucker, he’s gonna have ‘winders’ where his ears was.
John Wintle: I’m leaving for San Francisco tonight.
Sheriff Homer McCoy (Harry Morgan): San Francisco’s loss is Quake City’s gain.

Celia Bradley: When Mr. Stockley gets mad, he uses words I’ve never heard before.

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