Funny movie quotes from Parlor Bedroom and Bath – a funny Buster Keaton movie, where someone’s trying to make people that the shy young man is actually a Casanova!
Angelica Embrey: The more I see of men, the more I love my dog.
Angelica Embrey: I’m sorry, Bertie, but I’ve decided that I can’t marry you. Bertie: Oh, but why? Uh, why the sudden change? I mean to say, dash it. Angelica Embrey: You don’t come up to specifications. Bertie: Specifications? Uuh, what am I, a horse or a silly ass? Angelica Embrey: Oh, well I wouldn’t say that you were silly. Bertie: But my dear, you know, you can’t judge a husband in a bathing suit. Angelica Embrey: No, but you can get a rough idea. Bertie: Ooh.
[Questioning Reginald Irving] Jeffrey Haywood: Have you ever had anything to do with women? Reginald Irving (Buster Keaton): Oh, I used to sell vacuum cleaners. Jeffrey Haywood: No no, I mean, have you ever had a love affair with a woman? Reginald Irving: Oh, gosh no. Jeffrey Haywood: Well, you’re going to have. Reginald Irving: Oh, I can’t. I don’t get paid until Saturday.
Leila Crofton: Well, I should think she’d be able to take one look at you and realize that if you were left alone with a woman… why… Reginald Irving: We’d both be safe. [pause] I-I was in a house one time, aaall alone with the most beautiful French maid… and she tried to kiss me. She was baking a pie… Leila Crofton: And what did you do? Reginald Irving: …I ate the pie.
Polly Hathaway: You have all the passion of an infuriated clam.
Jeffrey Haywood: Now, when you first get to your room, order some… uh, champagne and broiled lobster. Reginald Irving: Champ… Ch… Can’t you make it beer? Jeffrey Haywood: Beer? Certainly not. Champagne! [pause] C, H, A, M, P, A, uh… oh, well, make it wine. W, I, N, E. Reginald Irving: Oh well, what do I call her? Jeffrey Haywood: Oh, call her… kid, sweetheart, baby… Reginald Irving: Kid, sweetheart, baby. Jeffrey Haywood: Uh huh. And then when you’re helping her to take off her… Reginald Irving: Take off her what? Jeffrey Haywood: Wrap! Reginald Irving: R, A, P. Jeffrey Haywood: No, WRAP! W, R, A, P. Reginald Irving: Wap? Jeffrey Haywood: Wap?… Well, make it coat. Reginald Irving: K, O, T, E.
Jeffrey Haywood: If we can only get Angelica to find her Reggie with another woman… Polly Hathaway: Oh, I see! Jeffrey Haywood: Looks don’t mean anything. Anyone will do. Polly Hathaway: Oh, so you picked me! Thanks! Jeffrey Haywood: Oh, no, you’re such a great scout. Polly Hathaway: Yes, I’m Buffalo Bill. Jeffrey Haywood: Now, listen, you will register as Mr. and Mrs. John Smith. Polly Hathaway: Mr. and Mrs. John Smith? Now, I’m Pocahontas.
Nita Leslie: I know what I’ll do. I’ll raise the Devil! I’m going out with the worst man that I know to do terrible things. And I’m going to let Freddie know about it. Then, he’ll have to come back! Leila Crofton: Well, after all, dear, it’s your own affair. But, don’t do anything foolish! Alimony may be easy money, but it don’t make up for a lot of lonesome nights.
Detective: Where’s the body? Reginald Irving: What body? Detective: Any body! Reginald Irving: There isn’t anybody here but me.
