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Funny movie quotes from The Court Jester

Funny movie quotes from The Court Jester (1956) , starring Danny Kaye, Glynnis Johns, Basil Rathbone, Angela Lansbury

Funny movie quotes from ‘The Court Jester’, one of Danny Kaye’s best known, and funniest, movies

King: You spent some time in the Italian court?
Hubert Hawkings (Danny Kaye): Why, yes. What better place to court Italians?


Fergus: I’€™m Fergus the Ostler.
Hubert Hawkings (Danny Kaye): Whogus the Whatsler?


Griselda: I’€™m Griselda.
Hubert Hawkings (Danny Kaye): Gri-who-lda?


Hubert Hawkings (Danny Kaye): A jester unemployed is nobody’€™s fool!


Hubert Hawkings (Danny Kaye): I’ve got it! I’€™ve got it! The pellet with the poison’€™s in the vessel with the pestle; the chalice from the palace has the brew that is true! Right?
Griselda: Right. But there’€™s been a change: they broke the chalice from the palace!
Hubert Hawkings (Danny Kaye): They broke the chalice from the palace?
Griselda: And replaced it with a flagon.
Hubert Hawkings (Danny Kaye): A flagon…?
Griselda: With the figure of a dragon.
Hubert Hawkings (Danny Kaye): Flagon with a dragon.
Griselda: Right.
Hubert Hawkings (Danny Kaye): But did you put the pellet with the poison in the vessel with the pestle?
Griselda: No! The pellet with the poison’€™s in the flagon with the dragon! The vessel with the pestle has the brew that is true!
Hubert Hawkings (Danny Kaye): The pellet with the poison’€™s in the flagon with the dragon; the vessel with the pestle has the brew that is true.
Griselda: Just remember that.


King Roderick: The Duke. What did the Duke do?
Hubert Hawkings(Danny Kaye): Eh’€¦ the Duke do?
King Roderick: Yes. And what about the Doge?
Hubert Hawkings(Danny Kaye): Oh, the Doge!
King Roderick: Eh. Well what did the Doge do?
Hubert Hawkings (Danny Kaye): The Doge do?
King Roderick: Yes, the Doge do.
Hubert Hawkings (Danny Kaye): Well, uh, the Doge did what the Doge does. Eh, uh, when the Doge does his duty to the Duke, that is.
King Roderick: What? What’€™s that?
Hubert Hawkings (Danny Kaye): Oh, it’€™s very simple, sire. When the Doge did his duty and the Duke didn’€™t, that’€™s when the Duchess did the dirt to the Duke with the Doge.
King Roderick: Who did what to what?
Hubert Hawkings (Danny Kaye): Oh, they all did, sire. There they were in the dark; the Duke with his dagger, the Doge with his dart, Duchess with her dirk.
King Roderick: Duchess with her dirk?
Hubert Hawkings (Danny Kaye): Yes! The Duchess dove at the Duke just when the Duke dove at the Douge. Now the Duke ducked, the Doge dodged, and the Duchess didn’€™t. So the Duke got the Duchess, the Duchess got the Doge, and the Doge got the Duke!
King Roderick: Curious. I’€¦ I’€¦ hm? What? What’€™s that? All I heard was that the Duchess had a siege of rheumatism. She’€™s 83, you know.


Hubert Hawkings (Danny Kaye): I am Giacomo, a lover of beauty and a beauty of a lover.


Hubert Hawkings (Danny Kaye): What manner of man is Giacomo? Ha ha! I shall tell you what manner of man is he. He lives for a sigh, he dies for a kiss, he lusts for the laugh, ha! He never walks when he can leap! He never flees when he can fight (thud) oop! He swoons at the beauty of a rose. And I offer myself to you, all of me. My heart. My lips. My legs. My calves. Do what you will – my love endures. Beat me. Kick me. (kiss, kiss) I am yours.


King Roderick I: What are you loo-loo-looing about?
Hubert Hawkings (Danny Kaye): Oh, I’€™m not loo-loo-looing, Sire, I’€™m willow-willow-wailing.
King Roderick I: All right, all right. Willow away, willow away.


Hubert Hawkings (Danny Kaye): I’€™d like to get in, get on with it, get it over with, and get out. Get it?
Ravenhurst (Basil Rathbone): Got it.
Hubert Hawkings (Danny Kaye): Good.


Hubert Hawkings (Danny Kaye): After months of pleading for just this kind of action, what makes you think that anybody – anybody could make me reveal the identity of my confederate?
Jean (Glynnis Johns): Because they’€™d put you on the rack, crack your every bone, scald you with hot oil, and remove the nails off your fingers with flaming hot pincers.
Hubert Hawkings (Danny Kaye): I’€™d’€¦ like to withdraw the question.


King: Would you grant the king a little kiss?
Jean (Glynnis Johns): Oh, certainly, sire, and don’€™t worry. They say it isn’€™t catching.
King: Oh, you are a little’€¦ catching?
Jean (Glynnis Johns): Just because it runs in the family doesn’€™t mean that everyone has it. Kiss me, sire!
King: Has it? Has what?
Jean (Glynnis Johns): Don’€™t I please you, sire?
King: Oh, yes, yes, but, eh, these brothers and cousins and uncles’€¦
Jean (Glynnis Johns): And aunts. But let us not talk about their swollen, twisted, pain ridden bodies. Hold me, take me in your arms, tell me I am yours!
King: But this, this uh writhing on the floor’€¦


Hubert Hawkings (Danny Kaye): Hawkins-Good stock. Good battle. Good-bye.


King Roderick: Rules of Chivalry be hanged! Ravenhurst, take that nincompoop, and knight that nincompoop by noon tomorrow!


Captain of the Guard: [Hawkins is being tested for Knighthood] He must scale a wall in full armor.
[Hawkins is tossed over the wall]
Captain of the Guard: Candidate passes!
[later]
Captain of the Guard: He must bring down a hawk in full flight.
[a hawk with an arrow is tossed on the ground]
Captain of the Guard: Candidate passes.
Hubert Hawkings (Danny Kaye): But I didn’€™t even shoo’€¦
Captain of the Guard: [shouts] Candidate passes!
[later]
Captain of the Guard: He must capture a wild boar with his bare hands.
[a piglet comes out of a chute followed by sound effects of splashing in the mud]
Captain of the Guard: He passes!


Hubert Hawkings(Danny Kaye): Why be gloomy, cut off thy nose to spite thy face? Listen to me. A nose is hard to replace.


[picking his weapon for the joust against Griswold]
Hubert Hawkings (Danny Kaye): I’€™ll take one of those, one of those, ooh, a couple of those.
[he pauses and glances over at Griswold]
Hubert Hawkings (Danny Kaye): I’€™d better take them all.


Hubert Hawkings (Danny Kaye): [on training to become a jester] I’€™m proud to recall that at no time at all and with no other recourses but my own resources, with firm application and determination’€¦ I made a fool of myself!

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