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Company Christmas Party

Just possibly, this ‘inclusiveness’ and ‘diversity’ has gone too far – witness what happens to the poor person planning the company Christmas party

FROM; Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO Everyone
RE Christmas Party
DATE December 1

Company Christmas party - enjoy the joke!I’€™m happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23, starting at noon in the banquet room at Luigi’€™s Open Pit Barbecue. No-host bar, but plenty of eggnog!  We’€™ll have a small band playing traditional carols…feel free to sing along. And don’€™t be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus!


FROM; Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE December 2
RE Christmas Party

In no way was yesterday’€™s memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees.  We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday which often coincides with
Christmas, though unfortunately not this year.

However, from now on, we’€™re calling it our ‘€œHoliday Party’€.


FROM; Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE December 7
RE Holiday Party

What a diverse company we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating, drinking and sex during daylight hours. There goes the party!  Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees’€™ beliefs. Perhaps Luigi’€™s can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party…the days are so short this time of year…or else package everything for take-home in little foil swans.


FROM; Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE December 8
RE Holiday Party

So December 22 marks the Winter Solstice’€¦ Fire regulations at Luigi’€™s prohibit the burning of sage by our earth-based, Goddess-worshipping employees, but
we’€™ll try to accommodate your shamanic drumming circle during the band’€™s breaks.


FROM; Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
Date December 9
RE Holiday Party

People, people, nothing sinister was intended by having our CEO dress up like Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of ‘€œSanta’€ does happen to be ‘€œSatan’€, there is no evil connotation to our own ‘€œlittle man in a red suit’€. It’€™s a tradition, folks, like sugar shock at Halloween or family feuds over the Thanksgiving turkey or broken hearts on Valentine’€™s Day. Could we lighten up?


FROM; Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE December 10
RE Holiday Party

Vegetarians!?!?!? I’€™ve had it with you people!!! We’€™re going to keep this party at Luigi’€™s Open Pit Barbecue whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table farthest from the ‘€œgrill of death’€, as you so quaintly put it, and you’€™ll get your #$%^&*! salad bar, including hydroponic tomatoes…but you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. Tomatoes scream when you slice them…I’€™ve heard them scream, I’€™m hearing them scream right now…!


FROM Teri Bishops, Acting Human Resources Director
DATE December 14
RE Pat Lewis and Holiday Party

I’€™m sure I speak for all of us in wishing Pat Lewis a speedy recovery from her stress-related illness and I’€™ll continue to forward your cards to her at the sanatarium. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel the Holiday party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.

Happy Chanue-Kwanzaa-Solsti-Rama-Mas!

Thanks to Randall Woodman

 

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