Funny movie quotes from Helpmates, starring Stan Laurel and Oliver Hardy
Ollie (Oliver Hardy): Why weren’t you at the party last night?
Stan (Stan Laurel): I couldn’t make it. I was bitten by a dog.
Ollie (Oliver Hardy): I can’t understand you. Spell it.
Stan (Stan Laurel): A dog bit me. B-I-it me. Bit me.
Ollie (Oliver Hardy): Where?
Stan (Stan Laurel): [Rolls up sleeve and puts the telephone to the injured area] They had to take me to the hospital last night and they said I might have hydrophosphates.
Ollie (Oliver Hardy): Listen, I’m in a slight predicament. My wife’s coming home at noon today unexpectedly. And just look at this house.
Stan (Stan Laurel): [sees the mess] What’s the matter with it?
Ollie (Oliver Hardy): What’s the matter with it? You never met my wife, have you?
Stan (Stan Laurel): Yes, I never did.
Ollie (Oliver Hardy): What do you mean “Yes I never did”?
[shows him wedding photo]
Ollie (Oliver Hardy): That’s my wife.
Stan (Stan Laurel): Isn’t she sweet.
Ollie (Oliver Hardy): Charming.
Stan (Stan Laurel): Where is your wife?
Ollie (Oliver Hardy): She’s in Chicago with her mother.
Stan (Stan Laurel): Is she having a nice time?
Ollie (Oliver Hardy): Sure she’s having a nice time, she’s been gone for more than a week, I- I don’t care whether she’s having a nice time or not! What I mean is that if she comes home and sees the house like this, she’ll know that I’ve been throwing a wild party!
Ollie (Oliver Hardy): Get this house cleaned up! Do you know that my wife will be home at noon!
Stan (Stan Laurel): Say, what do you think I am? Cinderella? If I had any sense I’d walk out on you.
Ollie (Oliver Hardy): Well it’s a good thing you haven’t any sense!
Stan (Stan Laurel): It certainly is!
Ollie (Oliver Hardy): Do you realise that this is the only suit I’ve got left? It’s enough to make a man burst out crying.
[Stan starts to cry]
Ollie (Oliver Hardy): Shut Up! Don’t you realise my wife will be home at noon?
Ollie (Oliver Hardy): [shouts] Hello!
Mrs. Hardy: Don’t you yell at me. I’m not deaf!
Ollie (Oliver Hardy): Oh, hello, honey baby. Where are you?
Mrs. Hardy: Where am I? I’m down here at the railroad station. And if I stay here much longer they’ll put me in the roundhouse.