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Funny movie quotes from Witness for the Prosecution

Funny movie quotes from Witness for the Prosecution – a very serious movie with a lot of comedy! Enjoy!

Sir Wilfrid: I am constantly surprised that women’s hats do not provoke more murders.

Sir Wilfrid: Would you like a cigar? Pardon me. [Takes cigar out of Mayhew’s suit pocket]
Inspector Hearne: That’s very kind of you Sir Wilfrid. 
Sir Wilfrid: I better not, it would constitute a bribe. [Places cigar into his own suit pocket]

Janet Mackensie: Perhaps you can help me, your Lordship. Six months, I have applied for my hearing aid and I am still waiting for it.
Judge: My dear madame. Considering the rubbish that is being talked nowadays, you are missing very little.

Janet Mackensie: Perhaps you can help me, your Lordship. Six months, I have applied for my hearing aid and I am still waiting for it.
Judge: My dear madame. Considering the rubbish that is being talked nowadays, you are missing very little.

Leonard Vole: What are you looking for?
Christine Vole: My accordion.
Leonard Vole: [stepping on it] I think I’ve found it.
Christine Vole: Step on it again. It’s still breathing.

Leonard Vole: But this is England, where I thought you never arrest, let alone convict, people for crimes they have not committed.
Sir Wilfrid: We try not to make a habit of it.

Mayhew: She and her husband had lived abroad for many years in British Nigeria. He was in the colonial service. He died in ’45 of a heart attack.
Sir Wilfrid: Oh, please, Mayhew, not while I’m smoking.

Sir Wilfrid: I’d better take that thermos of cocoa with me. It helps me wash down down the pills.
Miss Plimsoll: Let me see. My learned patient is not above substituting brandy for cocoa.
[opens thermos and smells]
Miss Plimsoll: Sniff, sniff. It is cocoa. So sorry.
Sir Wilfrid: If you were a woman, Miss Plimsoll, I would strike you.

Brogan-Moore: Touching isn’t it? The way he counts on his wife.
Sir Wilfrid: Yes, like a drowning man clutching at a razor blade.

Miss Plimsoll: Is there too much of a draft? Should I roll up the window?
Sir Wilfrid: Just roll up your mouth, you talk too much. If I had known how much you talk I’d never have come out of my coma.

[Miss Plimsoll discovers cigars hidden in Sir Wilfrid’s cane]
Sir Wilfrid: You could be jailed for that. You had no search warrant for my cane!

Sir Wilfrid: We’ve disposed of the gallows, but there’s still that banana peel somewhere.

Miss Plimsoll: I almost married a lawyer once. I was in attendance when he had his appendectomy, and we became engaged as soon as he could sit up… and then peritonitis set in and he went just like that!
Sir Wilfrid: He certainly was a lucky lawyer.

Miss Plimsoll: It’s beddy-bye. We better go upstairs now, get undressed and lie down.
Sir Wilfrid: We? What a nauseating prospect.

Miss Plimsoll: I shall have a very serious talk with Doctor Harrison. It was a mistake to let you come back here. I shall take you directly to a rest home or resort. Some place quiet, far off, like Bermuda.
Sir Wilfrid: Shut up. You just want to see me in those nasty shorts.

Miss Plimsoll: Teeny weeny flight of steps, Sir Wilfrid, we mustn’t forget we’ve had a teeny weeny heart attack.

Miss Plimsoll: Our nap! Sir Wilfrid! Our nap!
Sir Wilfrid: You go on ahead. Start it without me.

Sir Wilfrid: I could probably think better if you gave me one of those cigars.

Sir Wilfrid: I have done an unethical thing. I have taken your cigar and I am not taking your case.

Sir Wilfrid: Ah, Miss Plimsoll, how alluring you look. Waiting like a hangman on the scaffold…

Sir Wilfrid: Might as well get a bigger box of more mothballs and put me away, too.

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