Funny movie quotes from Watch the Birdie, starring Red Skelton, Ann Miller, Ann Sothern
Rusty Cammeron (Red Skelton): [opening lines] Hiya folks, this is me.
Pop Cammeron (Red Skelton): And me.
Grandpop Cammeron (Red Skelton): And me.
Opening narrator (Red Skelton): [as himself] I’ll tell you what these names mean so you can eat your popcorn in peace.
[Arlene Dahl’s and Ann Miller’s names appear in the opening credits]
Opening narrator (Red Skelton): These two girls fought over me: Arlene Dahl wanted me to marry Ann Miller, and Ann Miller wanted me to marry Arlene Dahl.
Opening narrator (Red Skelton): [the movie’s title appears on the screen] This is the title, please tell your friends; we’d like to make a little money with this picture.
Opening narrator (Red Skelton): [credits continue, showing Leon Ames, Pam Britton, and Richard Rober] These are the villains, they get paid for being bad; me, I’m different, I’m good for nothing.
Opening narrator (Red Skelton): [writers’ names appear] We have four writers on this picture; three of them could write, and the other one was my wife’s brother.
Opening narrator (Red Skelton): [other crew members’ names appear] These are the men who control everything; the sound, the photography, the costume, the scenery, the makeup. They tell you what to do,and you do it, they are the bosses. In movies, they call them technicians; in the army, they’re called sergeants.
Opening narrator (Red Skelton): [producer’s name appears] The producer raved about my acting; in fact, they took him away yesterday.
Opening narrator (Red Skelton): [director’s name appears] A director has to have three things: imagination, showmanship, and another job in case the picture’s no good.
Miss Lucky Vista (Ann Miller): [watching film of herself modeling tight bathing suit] You can’t see my eyes!
Grandpop Cammeron (Red Skelton): All women are sweet.
Miss Lucky Vista (Ann Miller): I can’t understand it. I’m so beautiful, and everybody’s always slugging me!
Grandpop Cammeron (Red Skelton): Let the ladies beware, let the music begin. There’s many a good tune in an old violin.
Pop Cammeron (Red Skelton): Many a man has parlayed a box of chocolates into a wife and 4 children.
Rusty Cammeron (Red Skelton): [boy enters] Well, welcome to Cammeron & Son & Son’s photographic studios. What can I do for you?
Boy in Camera Shop: I’d like to buy a camera for $22.50.
Rusty Cammeron (Red Skelton): Oh… Well, we have a $20 camera, and the price next to that is $25.
Boy in Camera Shop: I’d like one for $22.50.
Rusty Cammeron (Red Skelton): Oh… Well, I’ll tell you what, we’re having a sale today, so I’ll give you the 25 dollar camera for $22.50.
Boy in Camera Shop: Next, I’d like 5 rolls of film at 95 cents a roll.
Rusty Cammeron (Red Skelton): Five rolls of film… Well, they come in a package of 6, can you use the extra one?
Boy in Camera Shop: No thanks, just give me 5 rolls of film at 95 cents a roll.
Rusty Cammeron (Red Skelton): Oh… Well, you seem like a nice little boy. I tell you what, I’ll give you all 6 for the price of 5.
Boy in Camera Shop: Fine, next I’d like a camera case at 3 dollars.
Rusty Cammeron (Red Skelton): Save your money, you don’t need a camera case.
Boy in Camera Shop: I’d like a 3 dollar camera case.
Rusty Cammeron (Red Skelton): Yeah… Here’s one I’ll let you have for 3 dollars.
Boy in Camera Shop: Thank you, how much does that all come to?
Rusty Cammeron (Red Skelton): Well, let’s find out.
[puts the adding machine on the counter]
Rusty Cammeron (Red Skelton): Here we are: camera, $22.50, film , $.95… $3.00.
[adds up the total]
Rusty Cammeron (Red Skelton): That comes to 30 dollars and 25 cents.
Boy in Camera Shop: Are you sure?
Rusty Cammeron (Red Skelton): Well, this machine’s never been wrong yet.
Boy in Camera Shop: Thank you very much mister, good-bye.
Rusty Cammeron (Red Skelton): Goodbye – Wait a minute! Hey, don’t you want to take your stuff?
Boy in Camera Shop: No, I just wanted to make sure I had the total right, that was my arithmetic lesson for tomorrow. [boy leaves the store]
Rusty Cammeron (Red Skelton): Oh, welcome to Cammeron & Son & Son’s photographic studio, what can I do for you?
Mr. Whittle: My name’s Whittle, I’m from the Eagle Collection Agency.
Rusty Cammeron (Red Skelton): Oh, well there must be some mistake, I don’t collect eagles.