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Funny movie quotes from Battle Beyond the Stars

Funny movie quotes from Battle Beyond the Stars – Roger Corman’s science fiction version of The Seven Samura starring Richard Thomas

Shad meets the Nestors

Shad: [drawing his handgun as he finds himself aboard Nestor’s ship] Okay, what’s the big idea?
[All five Nestors turn to face him]
Shad: Don’t everybody talk at once!
[None of the Nestors respond]
Shad: Listen, if I don’t get some answers FAST, I’m gonna have to use this thing!
[Nestor motion causes Shad’s gun-hand to turn against him, bringing the muzzle to his own head, which Shad vainly attempts to wrench away]
Shad: Let me rephrase that.


Nestor 1: We are Nestor.
Shad: All of you?
Nestor 1: [speaking of himself and the four behind him] This is but a facet. These are but facets. There are hundreds of thousands like us at home and scattered throughout the universe. We are Nestor.
Shad: You’re clones.
Nestor 1: In a manner of speaking. We share identical consciousness. What one sees, all see. What one knows, all know.
Shad: And all of you want to help us?
Nestor 1: These five facets, yes. Four of us are required to operate this ship.
Shad: What about the fifth?
Nestor 1: We always carry a spare.


[The Nestor explains why “he” would like to participate in the Malmor-Akir War]
Nestor 1: You see, there is only one Nestor, one consciousness. As you might imagine, this has proven very lonely, very dull. We must avoid becoming… we believe you have a phrase for it… becoming “bored to death.”


Cowboy

Nestors eating a hot dog in "Battle Beyond the Stars"

Nestor 1: [eating a hot dog for the first time] There’s no dog in this.
Cowboy: Uh-uh.
Nestor 1: Hydrolyzed vegetable protein, soybean meal, niacin, dextrose, and sodium nitrate flavoring.
Cowboy: Yup, that’s what we call “meat” back home.


Cayman

Cayman: [upon meeting Shad for the first time] I’m only in this for Sador. I want his head.
Shad: [surprised] Oh. Well, you’re welcome to it.


Shad taunted by Saint-Exmin

[Saint-Exmin has bested Shad and Nell in a dogfight]
Saint-Exmin: The Valkyrie are great warriors. In our youth, we must leave home and fight in many battles until we have proven ourselves.
Shad: Well, you’ve proven yourself to be a pain in the neck. So why don’t you just… fly off?
Saint-Exmin: But I wish to fight.
Shad: [exasperated] My PLANET is in danger, and you’re playing TAG with me! Your ship is like a toy; you have no firepower.
Saint-Exmin: It’s one of the fastest in the universe.
Shad: Well, the Varda teach us that “swift rain is little rain.”
Saint-Exmin: But I WANT to join.
Shad: But we don’t want you, we don’t need you, and we won’t have you, so go count your coup somewhere else.
[He breaks off communications with her]
Nell: You were a little harsh, weren’t you?
Shad: You saw her. She was PLAYING with me.
Nell: Yes… and she WON.


Sador tortures Nestor

[in “Hammerhead’s” sick bay, Sador prepares himself for surgery]
Sador: [intimidatingly] Are you capable of speech?
Nestor 2: [unfazed] Yes, quite capable.
Sador: Good. And do you have a high tolerance for pain?
Nestor 2: Almost none at all, I’m afraid.
Sador: How unfortunate for you. How many ships do the Akira have, and what are their capabilities?
Nestor 2: If I told you that, it would give you an unfair advantage.
Sador: This is my surgeon, Dako. Dako is expert at inflicting pain… while keeping the patient alive.
Nestor 2: It is good to have skills.


Nell the computer’s been damaged

Nell: 30 seconds and counting, Zed. 29, 28, 27, 24, 15, 22… did I… did I say 15?

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