Funny movie quotes from Dracula – Dead and Loving It – a Mel Brooks comedy starring Leslie Nielsen
Dracula (Leslie Nielsen): [in a dream walking about in the daylight thinking it’s real] Everything is so lovely and colorful, and the sun is so shiny!
[He spots two lovers having a picnic]
Dracula (Leslie Nielsen): Say there, I just can’t help that it is so lovely out here today, but if I could just spare it for a piece of your … chicken?
Lover at Picnic: Oh sure, and some wine?
Dracula (Leslie Nielsen): I never drink… wine
[thinks for about 3 seconds]
Dracula (Leslie Nielsen): Oh what the h***, let me try it.
[tastes the wine]
Dracula (Leslie Nielsen): …It’s good!
Renfield: [Running towards him shouting] Master! Master!
Dracula (Leslie Nielsen): [Happy to see him] Renfield, I’m drinking wine, and I’m eating chicken!
Renfield: Master, what are doing you doing, you can’t be up during the daylight!
Dracula (Leslie Nielsen): Oh ho ho, relax Renfield, I’m cured!
[smoke starts coming out of him]
Renfield: Nooo nooo look!
Dracula (Leslie Nielsen): [realizing the smoke] I… made… a mistake… I must get back to my coffin!
[He wakes up in panic noticing the dark out the window then, calms down]
Dracula (Leslie Nielsen): It is night time, so it wasn’t real, I was having… a daymare.
Van Helsing (Mel Brooks): [examining Lucy’s throat with a magnifying lens] Three tiny puncture Marks on her Throat…
Dr. Seward (Harvey Korman): Three?
Van Helsing (Mel Brooks): [breathes on and polishes the lens] Two. Two tiny Puncture marks on her throat.
Renfield: [as the two Vampire brides climb into his bed] Whatare you on about? What’s all this then? Who are you people? I-I’ll have you know that’s my knee your Straddiling!
Renfield: [they start to gyrate on top of him] No, Stop! Stop it at once! Oh! Ah… No, no this is wrong! This is wrong! This is wrong, do you hear me, wrong! this is-
[He starts to moan]
Renfield: WRONG ME! WRONG ME! WRONG MY BRAINS OUT!
Jonathan Harker: She’s alive?
Van Helsing (Mel Brooks): She’s Nosferatu.
Jonathan Harker: She’s Italian?
Dracula (Leslie Nielsen): Renfield, you were having a nightmare!
Renfield: A nightmare? But it was so real, so vivid. Two voluptuous women; grinding, heaving. I don’t know how to describe it…
[pause]
Renfield: Have you ever been to Paris?
Dr. Seward (Harvey Korman): Count Dracula, allow me to introduce Professor Abraham Van Helsing of London University. He’s a doctor of rare diseases as well as theology and philosophy.
Van Helsing (Mel Brooks): And gynecology.
Dr. Seward (Harvey Korman): Oh, I didn’t know you had your hand in that, too.
Jonathan Harker: [having been told to drive a stake into Lucy] Oh, this is horrid. Is there no other way?
Van Helsing (Mel Brooks): Well, we could cut off her head, stuff her mouth with garlic, and cut off her ears!
Jonathan Harker: [after a moment’s thought] Give me the stake.
[pauses again]
Jonathan Harker: No. No, I can’t do it… you do it!
Van Helsing (Mel Brooks): It must be done by one who loved her in life!
Jonathan Harker: But I only liked her!
Van Helsing (Mel Brooks): Close enough!
[Dracula is hypnotizing a valet at the theatre where Doctor Seward is enjoying an opera]
Dracula (Leslie Nielsen): You vill tell Doctor Seward there is a message for him in the lobby… and you will remember nothing of what I tell you.
[the valet goes to open Seward’s chambers and nods her head. She opens the curtain to Seward’s chambers and stands there with her mouth open for a few moments, then closes the curtain]
Usherette: [noticing Dracula standing there] Hello, can I help you sir?
Dracula (Leslie Nielsen): [mimicking her] Can I help you sir?
[normally]
Dracula (Leslie Nielsen): What’s wrong with you, why did you not tell him?
Usherette: About what?
Dracula (Leslie Nielsen): About the message!
Usherette: For whom?
Dracula (Leslie Nielsen): Never mind! I vill tell him myself. And for your miserable performance, you will receive no tip!
Usherette: No tip?
Dracula (Leslie Nielsen): Ah! That, you remember!
Renfield: Yes, I’m schh-eduled to meet Count Dracula.
Villager #1: [horrified] Dracula!
Villager #2: [horrified] Dracula!
Villager #3: [horrified] Dracula!
Villager #4: …Schh-eduled?
[a bat poops on the stairs]
Dracula (Leslie Nielsen): Children of the night… What a mess they make.
Renfield: [upon seeing two voluptuous vampire women – one rubbing a table seductively, the other rubbing the bedpost seductively] My God! What on earth are you doing to the furniture?
[Renfield is having breakfast with Dr. Seward. He sees a bug on the table and eats it]
Dr. Seward (Harvey Korman): I was just telling Ma… what was that?
Renfield: Huh?
Dr. Seward (Harvey Korman): You just grabbed something from the table.
Renfield: I did not.
Dr. Seward (Harvey Korman): Yes you did, I saw you, you put it in your mouth. I think it was an insect.
Renfield: [thinks of an alibi] Oh, that was a raspberry.
Dr. Seward (Harvey Korman): Raspberry? We’re not serving raspberries.
Renfield: Then it must have been a raisin. I guess it fell off the muffin. See? There’s one missing.
[the two men laugh. Renfield sees a spider coming towards him, and he quickly eats it up]
Dr. Seward (Harvey Korman): How silly of me! It must have been my imagina… there, you did it again!
Renfield: Huh?
Dr. Seward (Harvey Korman): You just put a bug in your mouth. I think it was a spider!
Renfield: I did not.
Dr. Seward (Harvey Korman): Yes, you did.
Renfield: I did not.
Dr. Seward (Harvey Korman): Yes, you did.
[this goes on for two and a half rounds]
Dr. Seward (Harvey Korman): [shouts] I tell you I saw you snatch a spider right of the air and eat it!
Renfield: A spider?
[swallows the spider in his mouth]
Renfield: How absurd!
[A grasshopper jumps onto the patio. Renfield, intentionally, throws his fork]
Renfield: Oh! Dropped my fork!
[Renfield gets on all fours and scrambles under the table for the insect]
Dr. Seward (Harvey Korman): Mr. Renfield, what are you doing down there?
Renfield: Fork found!
[comes back up]
Renfield: Sorry for the delay.
[the grasshopper’s leg is sticking out of Renfield’s mouth, and wiggling about. Renfield looks at Dr. Seward, confused]
Dr. Seward (Harvey Korman): My God, man! You’re eating insects right from the ground!
Renfield: What makes you say that?
Dr. Seward (Harvey Korman): I can see one trying to get out of your mouth!
Renfield: Out of my mouth?
Dr. Seward (Harvey Korman): Yes, out of your mouth! Your very own mouth and it’s wiggling about!
Renfield: Don’t be ridiculous! Wiggling!
Dr. Seward (Harvey Korman): I’m not ridiculous at all! It’s wiggling all over the place! Poor thing is fighting for its life!
[Renfield eyes the grasshopper’s leg, and quickly scoops it up]
Renfield: I don’t know what you’re talking about. If you insist on ranting like this, I’m going to leave!
Dr. Seward (Harvey Korman): Me, ranting? You’re the ranter!
[Renfield spots a fly]
Renfield: [to the fly] Hello, little darling!
[grabs the air in attempt to catch the fly]
Renfield: Don’t be afraid!
[laughs in a strange tone]
Renfield: I won’t hurt you! All I want is your life!
[Renfield does a body slam across Dr. Seward’s lap, and knocks everything off the table]
[Dracula picks up Jonathan by the throat]
Dracula (Leslie Nielsen): Arrogant mortal! You are in my world now and you will never leave this attic alive! I will destroy you, and then I will possess she whom you love the most. And there is not a single thing in the world you can do to stop me!
[Dracula laughs. Jonathan pokes him in the eyes and Dracula drops Jonathan]
Dracula (Leslie Nielsen): Ow!
[Jonathan had just impaled Lucy, and was hit by two rounds of blood]
Jonathan Harker: Oh! This is – this is ghastly!
Van Helsing (Mel Brooks): Yes, you’re right. We should have put newspapers down!
[Dracula is outside Mina’s room]
Dracula (Leslie Nielsen): [to the maid] Essie… Essie… Your eyelids are growing heavy You will sleep… sleep.
[Essie nods off to sleep]
Dracula (Leslie Nielsen): Mina… Mina, open your eyes!
[she does]
Dracula (Leslie Nielsen): Arise, Mina.
[she does]
Dracula (Leslie Nielsen): Walk to the door.
[Mina opens a door, and goes inside]
Dracula (Leslie Nielsen): Mina… you are in the closet. Open the door, and come out.
[she does]
Dracula (Leslie Nielsen): Now walk to the Terrace Door. Watch out for the foot…
[too late! Mina trips over the footstool, and goes flying]
Dracula (Leslie Nielsen): Stool. Stand up.
[Essie and Mina both rise]
Dracula (Leslie Nielsen): Not you. Sit!
[Mina sits]
Dracula (Leslie Nielsen): No, not you, you sit.
[Essie sits]
Dracula (Leslie Nielsen): You stand.
[both stand]
Dracula (Leslie Nielsen): No! Sit!
[both sit]
Dracula (Leslie Nielsen): No, you stand!
[both stand]
Dracula (Leslie Nielsen): You walk to the Terrace Door and you go back to sleep! Watch out!
[Essie and Mina bump into one another and fall to the floor. Dracula throws his arms in frustration]
Dracula (Leslie Nielsen): [after rising from his coffin and hitting his head on a chandelier] I must move the coffin … or the chandelier.
[Johnathon drives a stake into Lucy’s heart and is subsequently hit by many gallons of blood]
Jonathan Harker: Oh… my… GOD! There’s so much blood!
Van Helsing (Mel Brooks): She just ate! Hit her again!
Jonathan Harker: Oh no… i can’t…
Van Helsing (Mel Brooks): How much blood can she have left?
Van Helsing (Mel Brooks): [Jonathan hits the stake again and is hit with even more blood than last time]
Van Helsing (Mel Brooks): She’s almost dead!
Jonathan Harker: She’s dead enough.
[after becoming a vampire, Lucy comes on to Jonathan]
Jonathan Harker: But Lucy, I’m British!
[Lucy reveals her cleavage]
Lucy Westenra: So are these!
Dr. Seward (Harvey Korman): Would an enema help?
Renfield: Yes MASTER!
Lucy Westenra: I know you’ve always wanted me, and I’ve always wanted you. Finally we can be together.
Jonathan Harker: But Lucy, I’m engaged to Mina… and you’re dead.
Lucy Westenra: I’m not dead. I’m undead.
Jonathan Harker: Yes, well, I’m not unengaged.
Jonathan Harker: [watching Mina’s reflection in a mirror as she’s dancing with Dracula, where it looks like she’s dancing alone] She’s doing quite well without him, isn’t she?
Mina Murray: Oh it makes me so happy to be at the Opera! I love this palace of art and beauty!
Jonathan Harker: Johnathan: Oh yes my dear, the Opera is astonishing! The music is frothed with love, hate, sensuality and unbridled passion!… All the things in my life I’ve managed to suppress so far.
Van Helsing (Mel Brooks): Count Dracula. Hmm, curious. Are you descended from Vlad Tapish? The first Dracula?
Dr. Seward (Harvey Korman): Tapish?
Van Helsing (Mel Brooks): Ya. It means ‘The Impaler.’ He was a blood-thirsty butchah. He inflicted unspeakable tortures on the peasants: cutting off their hands and feet, gouging out their eyes and then impaling them on iron spikes!
Dracula (Leslie Nielsen): They had it coming.
Jonathan Harker: Are you saying that Count Dracula is our vampire?
Van Helsing (Mel Brooks): Yes!… and no…
Jonathan Harker: Then what are you saying?
Van Helsing (Mel Brooks): I’m saying no. But I’m leeeeaning towards yes.
Dr. Seward (Harvey Korman): Then you’re saying yes.
Van Helsing (Mel Brooks): No.
Dr. Seward (Harvey Korman): Then you’re saying no.
Van Helsing (Mel Brooks): Not necessarily.
Jonathan Harker: You sound dubious.
Van Helsing (Mel Brooks): No -I’m positive!
Jonathan Harker: Of what?
Van Helsing (Mel Brooks): Of my theory!
Jonathan Harker: And that would be?
Van Helsing (Mel Brooks): The theory of Yes- or no.
Renfield: Master! Master!… I mean… Mister! Mister!
[after Van Helsing and Johnanthan have returned from driving a stake through Lucy’s heart]
Dr. Seward (Harvey Korman): I don’t understand it! he’s covered in blood and there’s not a drop on you!
Van Helsing (Mel Brooks): My friend, I have been to many, many stakings, and it all comes down to location, location, location!
Dracula (Leslie Nielsen): [carrying Essie out instead of Mina] You will be my bride throughout eternity. We’ll share the endless passion of immortal love.
Essie: Oh I can’t wait!
Dracula (Leslie Nielsen): [stares at her in surprise] NOT YOU!
Dracula (Leslie Nielsen): [takes her back inside and throws heron the floor, and carries Mina out, speaking very fast] You will be my bride throughout eternity, we’ll share the endless passion of immortal love!
Renfield: No! Not ANOTHER enema!
Van Helsing (Mel Brooks): Why don’t we have a look at the brain?
Woodbridge: [smiling] Mhm.
Van Helsing (Mel Brooks): First we crack open the skull, like so.
[bashes the corpse’s head with a big hammer]
Van Helsing (Mel Brooks): Behold the naked human brain… Examine it!
[throws the brain to Woodbridge]
Woodbridge: [screams and faints]
Van Helsing (Mel Brooks): Where did her blood go? There’s nothing on the pillow case, or her nightgown.
[to Dr. Steward]
Van Helsing (Mel Brooks): Can you explain zhat?
[looks at Jonathan]
Van Helsing (Mel Brooks): Can you explain zhat?
Dr. Seward (Harvey Korman): No, I can’t explain zhat.
Jonathan Harker: I can’t explain zhat, either.
Van Helsing (Mel Brooks): No one can explain zhat!
Martin: [throwing Renfield back into his cell] You’ll stay in here ‘til you rot!
[locks door]
Martin: [Renfield starts sobbing and Martin comes in a second later] Well, you’re free to go!
Renfield: Why? How?
Martin: Good behavior.
Renfield: But I’ve only been here for a moment.
Martin: For that moment, you were very good.
Dr. Seward (Harvey Korman): [to Martin, about Renfield] Put him in a straitjacket and give him an enema! Wait, give him an enema FIRST, then put him in a straitjacket!
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