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Politically correct Linux

Politically correct Linux is now finally a reality. The changes are subtle but very important.

  1. man pages are now person pages.
  2. Due to complaints from allergic people, cat has been replaced by hypoallergenic_domestic_animal.
  3. “yes” is a relic from the times men dominated IT and thought that the only way a woman could reply was in the positive, so it has been complemented with a “no” command.
  4. -f(orce) has been removed from all programs to ensure no program can be made do things it does not want to do by itself.
  5. The gender-biased “mail” command has been replaced by “gender”. And you can have as many copies of it as you please, as well as create your own and enforce their use.
  6. The “touch” command was removed, due to recent events concerning its use in certain management circles.
  7. “unzip” has been removed as well, for similar reasons.
  8. “more”, being a relic from the Reagan-era’esque thinking of amassing wealth being the only goal in life, has been completely removed. People are encouraged to use the more environmentally friendly “less”.
  9. LaTex has been replaced by the biodegradable KleeNex.
  10. Due to causing stress and anxiety with people, “kill” has been replaced by the more agreeable “euthanize”. Prior consent of tasks for it to be used on them is required and strictly observed.
  11. The “nice” command has been frequently used by users of the privileged class to grant themselves more resources. Unprivileged users and those that think they are can now use the “sue” command to achieve the same.
  12. history has been completely rewritten and is now herstory
  13. “quota” is now strictly enforced, whether the resources warrant it or not, whether the tasks actually require the allotted resources or not and whether it makes sense or not.
  14. abort() is now choice()
  15. daemons are now spiritual guides
  16. X Window is now NC-17 Window
  17. Terminals with limited capabilities are no longer to be called dumb terminals. All terminals are considered equally valuable and some of them are special.
  18. root and its wheel oligarchy have been ousted. Instead, we implemented the People’s Committee for Democratic Organisation of Systems (PC-DOS). Everyone is allowed to do everything and expected to take only what they need.

You will find these new guidelines and features very stimulating and you will agree that they are very useful, sensible and are going to increase our productivity. Or you’re just a reactionary, sexist, racist pig!

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