Funny TV quotes from The New Housekeeper – The Andy Griffith Show season 1, episode 1
Sheriff Andy Taylor (Andy Griffith): Anybody here know why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace. I now pronounce you man…
Opie Taylor (Ron Howard): I know why they shouldn’t be married.
Sheriff Andy Taylor (Andy Griffith): Opie, what’re you tryin’ to do?
Opie Taylor (Ron Howard): I’m speakin’ now so’s I won’t have to forever hold my peace.
Deputy Barney Fife (Don Knotts): You’re not supposed to speak.
Opie Taylor (Ron Howard): Then why did he ask?
Opie Taylor (Ron Howard): Can I run away from home?
Sheriff Andy Taylor (Andy Griffith): Uh… you… you want to run away from home? Well, now, uh, if-if-if that’s what you got on your mind, well, you-you goin’ about it all wrong.
Opie Taylor (Ron Howard): I am?
Sheriff Andy Taylor (Andy Griffith): Oh, yeah. You ain’t supposed to ask your pa.
Opie Taylor (Ron Howard): But you always said I should never go anyplace far without gettin’ your permission.
Sheriff Andy Taylor (Andy Griffith): Well, yeah, I know I did say that, but, uh, see … see, running away from home is a little special. See, what you do in a case like that is first you write a note SAYIN’ that you’re runnin’ away, and then you do it.
Opie Taylor (Ron Howard): You mean to tell me that’s all there is to it?
Sheriff Andy Taylor (Andy Griffith): That’s all.
Opie Taylor (Ron Howard): But I don’t know how to write.
Sheriff Andy Taylor (Andy Griffith): That does make a problem.
Rose: Opie, dear, I’m marryin’ Mr. Pine because I love him.
Opie Taylor (Ron Howard): I thought you loved ME.
Rose: I do, Opie.
Opie Taylor (Ron Howard): You don’t catch me marryin’ somebody else.
Rose: And in the mornin’, I want you to eat all your cereal and don’t leave half the milk.
Opie Taylor (Ron Howard): Okay. I won’t leave half the milk.
Rose: Good boy.
Opie Taylor (Ron Howard): I’ll leave ALL the milk.
Deputy Barney Fife (Don Knotts): Aw, shucks, Andy. I want to do good on this job. Even if it’s just deliverin’ messages, I wanna do it right.
Sheriff Andy Taylor (Andy Griffith): Well, I know you do, and-and-and I admire your attitude.
Deputy Barney Fife (Don Knotts): You see, Andy, I want the folks in this town to realize that you picked me to be your deputy because you, well, you looked over all the candidates for the job, and-and you judged their qualifications and their character and their ability, and you come to the fair, the just, and the honest conclusion that I was the best-suited for the job. An… and I wanna thank you, Cousin Andy.
Sheriff Andy Taylor (Andy Griffith): You’re welcome, Cousin Barney.
Sheriff Andy Taylor (Andy Griffith): [after Opie makes an insulting comment about newly-arrived Aunt Bee’s fried chicken, and Aunt Bee leaves the room] And to think I was glad when you learned to talk.
Sheriff Andy Taylor (Andy Griffith): Now Opie, I’m your Pa and I’m tellin’ you to hush up.
Opie Taylor (Ron Howard): Well you told me I could speak or forever hold my peace.
Sheriff Andy Taylor (Andy Griffith): Well now I’m tellin’ you if you don’t hush up, you’ll be forever holdin’ the seat of your britches.
Opie Taylor (Ron Howard): I want you to stay!
Aunt Bee Taylor: You do?
Sheriff Andy Taylor (Andy Griffith): You mean it, Opie?
Opie Taylor (Ron Howard): Sure!
Aunt Bee Taylor: Well, what changed your mind?
Opie Taylor (Ron Howard): Well, if she goes, what’ll happen to her? She doesn’t know how to do anything – play ball, catch fish, or hunt frogs. She’ll be helpless.