Funny movie quotes from No Census, No Feeling starring the Three Stooges – Moe Howard, Larry Fine, Curly Howard
Moe (Moe Howard): Good morning, sir, I’m the census taker. Are you married or happy?
Henry’s wife: Hen-ry!
Moe (Moe Howard): [Henry ducks just a vase is thrown by his wife, hitting Moe and knocking him down the stairs] Married.
Moe (Moe Howard): Now, calm yourself. We’re census takers, madam. How old are you?
Larry (Larry Fine): What address is this?
Lady having bridge party: One hundred and two.
Moe (Moe Howard): You don’t look a day over eighty.
Lady having bridge party: Young man, I’m twenty-nine.
Moe (Moe Howard): Oh, yeah?
Lady having bridge party: Well, how do I look?
Moe (Moe Howard): Oh, you look like a million.
Larry (Larry Fine): Ah, she can’t be that old. [Larry and Moe open her mouth and check her teeth.] Forty-three.
Moe (Moe Howard): Fifty.
Larry (Larry Fine): Forty-three!
Moe (Moe Howard): Fifty!
Larry (Larry Fine)Larry (Larry Fine): Forty-three!
Moe (Moe Howard): Fifty, fifty, fifty, fifty, fifty, fifty, [mouth begins to move much faster] fifty, fifty, fifty, fifty, fifty, fifty, fifty, fifty, fifty …
Curly (Curly Howard): Sooold American!
Larry (Larry Fine): [after all three are unable to find anyone else to interview] Where is everybody?
Curly (Curly Howard): Maybe it’s The Fourth of July.
Moe (Moe Howard): The Fourth of July in October?
Curly (Curly Howard): You never can tell … look what they did to Thanksgiving!
Moe (Moe Howard): Boy, you got brains like Napoleon.
Larry (Larry Fine): Napoleon’s dead.
Moe (Moe Howard): I know it.
At the Party
Lady having bridge party: Does your drink taste all right?
Moe (Moe Howard): A little heavy on the Angora Bitters. In fact, I think the goat walked right through it, I’m sure.
Curly (Curly Howard): Roses are red, and how do you do? Drink four of these and woo, woo, woo, woo!
Moe (Moe Howard): Pardon us, madame, we’re census takers. What’s your name?
Larry (Larry Fine): And your address?
Curly (Curly Howard): What’s more important, what’s your phone number? Nyuk, nyuk …
[Woman hits them with her purse]
Moe (Moe Howard): Boy, look at that. There must be a hundred thousand people in there. We’ll make a fortune!
Curly (Curly Howard): Woo-woo!
Moe (Moe Howard): How much is four cents times a hundred thousand?
Curly (Curly Howard): [With shock] Nyahhh …
[gives in, stands up straight and begins to type in the air with typewriter sound effects. Sweeps his head with the sound of the typewriter bar being pushed back. Finally pulls a strip of paper from his mouth. Reads paper]
Curly (Curly Howard): A dollar and a half.
Moe (Moe Howard): A dollar and a half?
Curly (Curly Howard): That’s without the tax!
Moe unintentionally asks Larry & Curly
Moe (Moe Howard): Where were you born?
Curly (Curly Howard): Lake Winnipesaukee.
Moe (Moe Howard): How do you spell that?
Curly (Curly Howard): W-O … woof! Make it Lake Erie I got an Uncle there!
Moe (Moe Howard): What was your family decomposed of?
Curly (Curly Howard): Well, I’ll tell ya! There was a litter of three, and I was the one they kept! N’yuk n’yuk n’yuk!
Moe (Moe Howard): [not realizing he is getting replies from Larry] Pardon me sir, but I’m taking census, where were you born?
Larry (Larry Fine): Lake Winnipesaukee.
Moe (Moe Howard): Lake Winnip-how many in the family?
Larry (Larry Fine): I was one of a litter of three.
Moe (Moe Howard): Now don’t tell me you’re the one they kept!
Larry (Larry Fine): Nah, I was the one they threw away!
At the Football Game
Curly (Curly Howard): I’m gettin’ sick and tired of this! How old are you?
Football player: Ninteen!
Curly (Curly Howard): Now we’re gettin’ somewhere!
Football player: Eighty-three! Twenty-seven! Twenty-two!
Curly (Curly Howard): Why don’t you make up your mind?