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Funny movie quotes from Malice in the Palace

Funny movie quotes Malice in the Palace – the Three Stooges short where they run a restaurant, defeat some bullies, go to rescue a gem disguised as Santa Claus!

At the Three Stooges Restaurant

Hassan Ben Soba (Vernon Dent): I am Hassan Ben Soba.
Shemp: I had a few too many myself. [chuckles]
Moe: Quiet! [throws a handful of spaghetti in Shemp’s face]

Moe: [to Hassen Ben Soba and Ginna Rumma] What’ll you have?
Hassan Ben Soba: We want…
Moe: [cutting him off] We don’t have any more.
Larry: All we got left are rabbit and hot dogs.
Hassan Ben Soba: Rabbit.
Ginna Rumma: Hot dogs.
Larry: Hot dog, they’ll take rabbit.

Moe, Shemp, and Larry about to make a mess in their restaurant in "Malice in the Palace"

Shemp: [after nearly bumping into Moe and Larry] Boy, if I hadn’t ducked, we would have collided sure. What a narrow escape.[stands up and knocks over the dishes being held above him]

Ginna Rumma: [after Shemp knocks a plate of spaghetti on him] Take this off! Take this off!
Moe: [cleaning off Hasan Ben Soba] Now, take it easy. We’ll have you all fixed up in a minute. What’s this? [pulling out a cupcake with a lit candle] Oh, happy birthday!
Shemp: [handing Ginna a plate] Hold this. [taking out a pair of scissors] Just a minute, I’ll take it right off. I would leave it on. People don’t know if you’re coming or going with this on. [cutting the spaghetti like a barber] There you are, sir. You look very pretty, and the spaghetti is as good as new.

Shemp serving Hassan Bin Soba (Vernon Dent) and Gin Rummy at the restaurant

Ginna Rumma: Why, you…! [draws a dagger, preparing to attack Shemp]
Shemp: Whoa! Whoa, whoa…
Hassan Ben Soba: Dog of dogs! How dare you! [draws out a dagger]
Larry: A thousand pardons! It was unavoidable!
Moe: Wait a minute! Wait a minute! This would degrade you.
Hassan Ben Soba: It’s true; I am an aristocrat! I am Hassan ben Sobar!
Shemp: I had a few too many myself! [laughs; Moe throws spaghetti at Shemp’s face]
Moe: Quiet! We gotta clean up this mess!

Larry: [after Hassan, Ginna, Moe, and Shemp think he’s killed a dog and a cat, he comes out to serve the food] Here you are, gentlemen. Hot dog, when it comes to cookin’ I’m the cat’s meow!

Moe: Hey, spinach chin, do you mean to tell me that you’re only a doorman?
Hassan Ben Soba: [tearfully] Yes!
Shemp: Well, there’s the door, man.

Three Stooges prepare to go to the palace

Moe: There’s only one 100-carat diamond, and it comes from Rootin Tootin’s Tomb.
Shemp: That’s government property.
Moe: Right, and if we return it, we’ll get a big reward.
Larry: Yeah! Maybe fifty-thousand bucks. Boy, with that kind of money, we could rent a one-room apartment in Hollywood… maybe.

Moe: [after showing us the map briefly, he narrates while pointing and tracing with one of the daggers] We start here at Jerkola, down the Insane River, over the Giva Dam, through Pushover, across Schmowland, to the Stronghold of Schmow. 

Cut scene at the restaurant

[Curly Howard filmed a scene for Malice in the Palace, but it was cut, due to his speech being slurred after his career-ending stroke]

Larry: One rabbit, one hotdog!
Angry Chef “Curly”: Fix it yourself! I’m going to lunch!
Larry: Lunch?
Angry Chef “Curly”: Soitenly! You think I’d eat in this dump?

At the Palace

Moe, Larry, and Shemp disguised as Santa Claus to sneak into the palace in "Malice in the Palace"

Guard outside palace: Hark! Who goes there?
Moe, Larry and Shemp (together): Santa Claus!
Guard outside palace: Ah, there ain’t no Santa Claus.
Shemp: [as all three of them get out and open their bag] Oh, yes, there is, and we’ve got a present for you.
Guard outside palace: You have?
Moe: Yeah, right here! [hits the guard over the head and he falls into the bag unconscious]

Moe: [giving turban to guard who has just been hit with fruit] Your hat.
Palace Guard (inside): Thank you.
Moe: You’re welcome.
Palace Guard (inside): [realizes what just happened] Why you-! [is cut off as Moe gets scared before dropping a vase on his his head]

Shemp: That’s some perfume. What brand do you use?
Harem Girl: Sphinx.
Shemp: I know, but what brand do you use? [Moe throws a vase at Shemp]

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