Funny quotes from Blackadder the Third, the third BBC TV series starring Rowan Atkinson of “Mr. Bean” fame as the cowardly, scheming Blackadder, also starring Hugh Laurie (of “House”)
Blackadder (Rowan Atkinson): I have come up with a plan so cunning you could stick a tail on it and call it a weasel.
Baldrick (Tony Robinson): Morning, Mr. B.
Blackadder (Rowan Atkinson): Leave me alone, Baldrick. If I wanted to talk to a vegetable, I would have bought one at the market.
[Referring to a suicide pill they have both been given, after being captured by French revolutionaries]
Baldrick (Tony Robinson): I’m glad to say you won’t be needing that pill, Mr. B.
Blackadder (Rowan Atkinson): Am I jumping the gun, Baldrick, or are the words “I have a cunning plan” marching with ill-deserved confidence in the direction of this conversation?
Baldrick (Tony Robinson): They certainly are.
Blackadder (Rowan Atkinson): Well, forgive me if I don’t do a cartwheel of joy; your record in this department is hardly 100%. So what is it?
Baldrick (Tony Robinson): We do nothing …
Blackadder (Rowan Atkinson): Yup, it’s another world-beater.
Baldrick (Tony Robinson): No, wait. We do nothing … until our heads have actually been cut off.
Blackadder (Rowan Atkinson): And then we … spring into action?
Mrs. Miggins: Bonjour, Monsieur
Blackadder (Rowan Atkinson): Excuse me.
Mrs. Miggins: It’s French.
Blackadder (Rowan Atkinson): So is eating frogs, cruelty to geese and urinating on the streets.
Blackadder (Rowan Atkinson): [to Baldrick] Unless I think of something, tomorrow we go to meet our Maker: in my case God, in your case God knows.
Baldrick (Tony Robinson): Sounds like a bag of grapefruits to me, Mr B.
Blackadder (Rowan Atkinson): The phrase, Baldrick, is “a case of sour grapes” – and yes it bloody well is.
Mrs. Miggins: The Scarlet Pimpernel, Mr. Blackadder! He’s so exciting, don’t you think?
Blackadder (Rowan Atkinson): Actually, I think he’s the most over-rated human being since Judas Iscariot won the AD31 Best Disciple Competition.
Blackadder (Rowan Atkinson): We hate the French! We fight wars against the French! Did all those men die in vain on the fields of Agincourt? Was the man who burned Joan of Arc just wasting good matches?
Prince George (Hugh Laurie): What can I do to a woman that I can’t do to you?
Blackadder (Rowan Atkinson): I cannot conceive, sir.
Blackadder (Rowan Atkinson): Stick the kettle on, Baldrick
Baldrick (Tony Robinson): What? Aren’t we going to France?
Blackadder (Rowan Atkinson): Of course we’re not going to France! It’s incredibly dangerous!
Baldrick (Tony Robinson): Well, how you gonna win your bet?
Blackadder (Rowan Atkinson): Simple, Baldrick. By the use of the large thing between my ears.
Baldrick (Tony Robinson): Ohhh. Your nose.
Blackadder (Rowan Atkinson): [after Baldrick finds out about the “plot’ to kill Prince George, Blackadder leaves him, telling him he might not cope more than five minutes without him, and places a bet] Four minutes, twenty-three seconds, Baldrick. You owe me a groat!
Baldrick (Tony Robinson): [Blackadder slams the door] Something wrong, Mr. B?
Blackadder (Rowan Atkinson): Oh, something’s always wrong, Balders … the fact that I’m not a millionaire aristocrat, with the sexual capacity of a rutting rhino, is a constant niggle.
Blackadder (Rowan Atkinson): I will suffice to say, “sod off and if we ever meet again it will be one billion years too soon”
Blackadder (Rowan Atkinson): I fear you will soon be eating those badly chosen words, Baldrick. I wouldn’t bet one groat that you could last five minutes here without me!
Baldrick (Tony Robinson): Oh, come on, Mr B. It’s not as though we’re gonna get murdered or anything the moment you leave.
Blackadder (Rowan Atkinson): Hope springs eternal, Baldrick.