Funny movie quotes from Sailor Beware, starring Dean Martin, Jerry Lewis
Melvin Jones (Jerry Lewis): I’ve never been kissed! Even my own mother didn’t have the nerve.
Al Crowthers (Dean Martin): That figures.
Sailor at recruiting center: Here are some papers that we have to have filled out; we hope it’s not too much trouble. And after that, would you mind going over to the corner and disrobing?
Melvin Jones (Jerry Lewis): [shocked] I don’t even know you!
Naval Doctor: [Unable to find a heartbeat] Be a good boy now and tell the doctor where your heart is.
Melvin Jones (Jerry Lewis): You’ll find out. I’m no stool pigeon.
Al Crowthers (Dean Martin): They can’t do this to me!
Melvin Jones (Jerry Lewis): Why don’t you write your congressman?
Al Crowthers (Dean Martin): What good will that do?
Melvin Jones (Jerry Lewis): Nothing, but you’ll have a pen pal.
Melvin Jones (Jerry Lewis): Excuse me, handsome.
CPO Lardoski: Where do you get that handsome stuff?
Melvin Jones (Jerry Lewis): Didn’t I hear that man call you a pretty officer?
CPO Lardoski: [Growling] He said, “Petty officer.”
[Melvin sticks his tongue out at him behind his back]
Hilda Jones (Marion Marshall): Everybody should donate to the blood bank. What type are you?
Melvin Jones (Jerry Lewis): Oh, the quiet type. I go to bed at nine o’clock, see a movie now and then, read some books, play checkers…
Hilda Jones (Marion Marshall): No! I mean what kind of blood have you?
Melvin Jones (Jerry Lewis): Red.
[Jerry has blood drawn, but it looks like water]
Al Crowthers (Dean Martin): What have you been doing?
Melvin Jones (Jerry Lewis): I donated at the blood bank.
Al Crowthers (Dean Martin): It looks like your account’s overdrawn.
Melvin Jones (Jerry Lewis): Why, I was fighting Gene Tierney once, and…
Al Crowthers (Dean Martin): Wait a minute! Don’t you mean Gene Tunney?
Melvin Jones (Jerry Lewis): [shouts] You fight who you want, I’ll fight who I want!
Melvin Jones (Jerry Lewis): Why d’ya put the bandage on my hand before ya put the gloves on?
Al Crowthers (Dean Martin): So when you hit’m, you won’t break your knuckles.
Melvin Jones (Jerry Lewis): Why don’t you put some on my shoes so I won’t wear them out from running away from him?
Al Crowthers (Dean Martin): How many fights have ya had all together?
Melvin Jones (Jerry Lewis): [Talking loudly in a punchy boxer’s voice in order to frighten his opponent] Oh, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah…
[Al hits him’]
Melvin Jones (Jerry Lewis): When ya add ’em up together now, I had 101 fights.
Al Crowthers (Dean Martin): Yup!
Melvin Jones (Jerry Lewis): Oh, 101! I win ’em all but 100!
Melvin Jones (Jerry Lewis): There’s no basis for metabolism, certain unaware of the fact that there are other men concerned here, and you still can’t feel that a physical being is abstract. You’ve got to base the full heart and soul on the ingredients that other people are aware of the fact that physical being is isn’t even evolved. Isn’t that right?