Funny movie quotes from Texas Carnival (1951) starring Red Skelton, Esther Williams, Howard Keel, Ann Miller, Keenan Wynn
Cornie Quinell (Red Skelton): Now how can you talk to me like that after all I’ve done for you?
Debbie Telford (Esther Williams): Name one thing, I dare you.
Cornie Quinell (Red Skelton): [thinking] Look, I arranged for you to swim the Mississippi from St. Louis to Memphis, didn’t I?
Debbie Telford (Esther Williams): Where did that get me?
together: Memphis.
Cornie Quinell (Red Skelton): Look, I’ve made a sacrifice too! I gave up Kegwell’s Educated Canines to manage you!
Debbie Telford (Esther Williams): What do you mean, “gave up”? The leading lady bit you!
Cornie Quinell (Red Skelton): He can’t drive a crooked nail.
Dan Sabinas (Keenan Wynn): Can’t drive a crooked nail.
Cornie Quinell (Red Skelton): Give him a straight one.
Dan Sabinas (Keenan Wynn): No thank you, sir, I’ve had plenty.
Dan Sabinas (Keenan Wynn): We’re brothers, you understand, blood brothers. Not sisters! I already got a sister.
Cornie Quinell (Red Skelton): Believe me when I tell you he loves me like a brother.
Debbie Telford (Esther Williams): He’d better!
Debbie Telford (Esther Williams): Give me those keys.
Cornie Quinell (Red Skelton): Well, number one, I don’t have the keys, and if I did have ’em they wouldn’t fit.
Debbie Telford (Esther Williams): Why don’t they fit?
Cornie Quinell (Red Skelton): The ignition got busted.
Debbie Telford (Esther Williams): How did they ignition get busted?
Cornie Quinell (Red Skelton): When the dashboard caved in.
Debbie Telford (Esther Williams): Dashboard caved in?
Cornie Quinell (Red Skelton): When the radiator telescoped.
Debbie Telford (Esther Williams): Telescoped?!
Cornie Quinell (Red Skelton): Right after I hit a bunch of stupid cows.
Tex Hodgkins (Glenn Strange): [proposing a double-or-nothing wager for the $17,000 Red owes] Would you like to shake?
Cornie Quinell (Red Skelton): No, but I can’t seem to stop!
Cornie Quinell (Red Skelton): How about a toast?
Dan Sabinas (Keenan Wynn): I don’t drink.
Cornie Quinell (Red Skelton): [pouring drinks] To the glorious state of Texas.
Dan Sabinas (Keenan Wynn): [drinks]
Cornie Quinell (Red Skelton): How about a little toast to America?
Dan Sabinas (Keenan Wynn): I don’t drink, son.
Cornie Quinell (Red Skelton): And the forty-seven states that surround Texas.
Dan Sabinas (Keenan Wynn): [drinks]
Bartender: Hey, that’s Texas dew, what’s the matter, don’t you like it?
Cornie Quinell (Red Skelton): [holding his nose as he prepares to drink] I love it!
Bartender: Then what’re you holding your nose for?
Cornie Quinell (Red Skelton): When I smell it, it makes my mouth water, and I don’t like it diluted!
Bartender: It looks like you’ve had one too many.
Cornie Quinell (Red Skelton): Oh no I haven’t!
Bartender: What do you mean?
Cornie Quinell (Red Skelton): Don’t push me, boy.
Bartender: What do you mean, don’t push you?
Cornie Quinell (Red Skelton): Don’t push me; maybe you don’t know who I am!
Bartender: Who are you?
Cornie Quinell (Red Skelton): I’m the guy you’re pushing!
Sheriff: Dan Sabinas is one of the finest gentlemen in Texas; that’s him on the floor.
Slim Shelby (Howard Keel): Coffee!
Debbie Telford (Esther Williams): Is it good and strong?
Slim Shelby (Howard Keel): It’ll kill a rattlesnake.