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Santa Claus is a Man

Santa Claus is a Man – A rebuttal to ‘Is Santa Claus a Woman?’ – proving that Santa Claus is, and must be, a man! Grunt!

A rebuttal to ”Is Santa Claus Secretly a Woman?

Santa is a man.

It is precisely because Christmas is an “organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing social deal” that Santa has to be a man.  Delegation… that’s the key. Just imagine if a woman was trying to delegate all of those tasks and obligations to her underlings. Christmas would be as ambiguous as the spring equinox. Nobody would know what day of the year we were going to celebrate it on.

It takes a man to organize a commercial event as huge as Christmas. What with the ads, the parades, the football, and (usually) the basketball, the sheer immensity of the task would overwhelm most females. We’d have to plan football schedules around lunch instead of the other way around. Or worse yet… there might not be any football at all. (Shudder) That’s a scary thought.

If Santa was a female, the toys might never be delivered. It would take a she Santa until New Year’s Eve to get dressed (for the third time) and out of the bathroom. And just try harnessing those reindeer with freshly painted nails. Never happen. Once she got underway, she’d be too busy talking on the cell phone to her girl friends to get all the way around the world to every girl and boy’s house in a single year, let alone a single night.

If Santa was female, the whole idea of gift giving would be unrecognizable. Everybody would get socks, or ties, or aftershave, or fuzzy slippers every year. There would be none of the noise making, shoot ‘em up, battery operated windfalls that kids love. Bicycles would all come complete with helmets and knee pads. And training wheels so nobody could get hurt. Toy soldiers would be replaced by books on improving one’s self esteem. Christmas just wouldn’t be the same.

I’ll tell you another reason why Santa has to be a man (AND a football fan). Look at the names of his reindeer… Dasher, Comet, Blitzen… If those aren’t male names for football players, than I’m an elf. 

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