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Rules for dieting at Christmastime

Rules for dieting at ChristmastimeI’m not sure *who* wrote these rules for dieting, but I’m *guessing* that it must be Miss Piggy!

  • If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.
  • If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are canceled out by the diet soda.
  • When you eat with someone else, calories don’t count if you do not eat more than they do.
  • Food used for medicinal purposes NEVER counts, such as hot chocolate, brandy, toast and Sara Lee Cheesecake.
  • If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner.
  • Movie related foods do not have additional calories because they are part of the entertainment package and not part of one’s personal fuel. Examples: Milk Duds, buttered popcorn, Junior Mints, Red Hots and Tootsie Rolls.
  • Cookie pieces contain no calories. The process of breaking causes calorie leakage.
  • Things licked off knives and spoons have no calories if you are in the process of preparing something.
  • Foods that have the same color have the same number of calories. Examples are: spinach and pistachio ice cream; mushrooms and mashed potatoes.
  • Chocolate is a universal color and may be substituted for any other food color.
  • Anything consumed while standing has no calories. This due to gravity and the density of the caloric mass.
  • Anything consumed from someone else’s plate has no calories since the calories rightfully belong to the other person and will cling to his/her plate. (We ALL know how calories like to cling!)

Remember: stressed spelled backwards is desserts!

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