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Funny movie quotes from A Shot in the Dark

Funny movie quotes from A Shot in the Dark, the second Pink Panther movie, starring Peter Sellers, Elke Sommer, Herbert Lom

Dreyfus (Herbert Lom): Give me ten men like Clouseau and I could destroy the world.

Dreyfus: [crosses arms, letter opener in hand] François?
Françios: Yes, commissioner?
Dreyfus: Would you please call for a doctor?
Françios: [puts on his glasses] Are you ill?
Dreyfus: I seem to have stabbed myself with a letter opener.

[Accusing a suspect, millionaire Benjamin Ballon]
Clouseau (Peter Sellers): And I submit, Inspector Ballon, that you arrived home, found Miguel with Maria Gambrelli, and killed him in a rit of fealous jage!

[Arriving at Camp Sunshine]
Clouseau: I am here on official business and I am looking for someone in the recreation area.
Camp Attendant: Not unless you take off your clothes…
Clouseau: You, sir, are under arrest.
Camp Attendant: Arrest? What for?
Clouseau: For making lewd and suggestive remarks to an official of the French government.
Camp Attendant: Lewd and suggestive remarks?
Clouseau: Also for indecent exposure… doesn’t anyone wear any clothes around here?
Camp Attendant: No.
Clouseau: What!
Camp Attendant: This is a nudist colony.

Clouseau: There is something… personal… in this?
Dreyfus: Yes, deeply personal. I hate you! Every little bit of you! Now get out!
Clouseau: You want me to leave?

Dreyfus: What about the maid?
Clouseau: The maid?
Dreyfus: Was he jealous of her too? He strangled her.
Clouseau: It is possible that his intended victim was a man and that he made a mistake.
Dreyfus: A mistake?… in a nudist camp?
Clouseau: Nobody’s perfect.
Dreyfus: Idiot nincompoop lunatic!

Clouseau: And… they were your fingerprints!
Benjamin Ballon: Well, why not? It’s my house. I’ve often been in that closet.
Clouseau: For what reason?
Benjamin Ballon: Last time was moths.
Clouseau: “Meuths”?
Benjamin Ballon: [very clearly] Moths!
Clouseau: Yes, “meuths.”
Benjamin Ballon: Maria was complaining of “murths.”
[frowns at himself]
Clouseau: “Meurths”? Is that right, Maria, that – that you were complaining about these “meuths”?
Maria Gambrelli (Elke Sommer): Yes, I did complain about moths.
Clouseau: Oh, you mean “meuths”!

[Clouseau has entered a house soaking wet]
Clouseau: That stupid driver of mine parked too close to the fountain.

Dreyfus: If someone has been murdered here, please let it be Clouseau.

Clouseau: [after getting his hand caught in a spinning globe] Look at that. I have Africa all over my hand.

Dreyfus: [a car bomb has just killed the killers. Dreyfus refers to four other killings] A doorman, two customers, and a Cossack! And now six more innocent people!
Clouseau: But they were all murderers, except for Maurice, who was a blackmailer, Commissioner!
Dreyfus: [whimpering] Compared with you they were saints!

[Opening lines – phone rings; Dreyfus picks it up]
Dreyfus: Commissioner Dreyfus… Ah, yes, my darling… I was just about to call you. I’m on my way. I’ve got the cheese and the beaujolais… What?
Dreyfus: … My love. Kiss the children for me… hmm?
[intercom buzzes]
Dreyfus: Hold on.
[covers phone mouthpiece; answers intercom]
Dreyfus: Yes?
intercom: Your wife is on the other line.
Dreyfus: Tell her I’m out of town.

Dreyfus: [Makes nervous sounds crossed between chuckles and whimpers] He released her again, and he’s taking her out to dinner to dinner. Every paper in Paris has the story, including the Christian Science Monitor; and he gave them the story. You see he claims he’s protecting her lover, and the best way to force him into the open is to make him jealous
[nervous chuckles]
Dreyfus: Jealous! That nincompoop, that megalomaniac. He’s setting the science of criminal investigation back a thousand years, and I can’t do anything about it.
The Psycho-Analyst: Why not?
Dreyfus: Why not? What if he’s right?

Maria Gambrelli: You can have one of my cigarettes.
Clouseau: Oh, thank you.
Maria Gambrelli: You have it in backwards.
Clouseau: Oh… it tastes very bad that way.

Maria Gambrelli: Tell me, why do so many men smoke afterwards? No wonder tobacco companies get rich.

Clouseau: Well… that just goes to prove what I have said all along.
Dreyfus: What you’ve said, Clouseau, qualifies you as the greatest prophet since Custer said he was going to surround all those Indians!

Dreyfus: This case is already so full of cracks I guess one more wouldn’t make any difference.
[tosses cigar aside, takes a new cigar and carelessly uses the cigar guillotine]
Dreyfus: François?
Françios: [off screen] Yes, commissioner?
Dreyfus: I just cut off my thumb.

Clouseau: Prison is bad enough, without, uncomfortable furniture.

Benjamin Ballon: I’m not in the habit of killing people, merely because I dislike them.

Dreyfus: A trail of death follows Inspector Clouseau. Four people. A doorman, two customers, and a Cossack!
Clouseau: Most regrettable.

Clouseau: Those were innocent bystanders. The murderer was after me. Fortunately, he missed.
Dreyfus: Fortunately is *not* the word!

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