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Funny movie quotes from Ninotchka

Funny movie quotes from Ninotchka, starring Greta Garbo

Greta Garbo only made one comedy, Ninotchka – but with a great many funny lines!  Enjoy!

Ninotchka (Greta Garbo): Must you flirt?
Leon (Melvyn Douglas): Well, I don’t have to, but I find it natural.
Ninotchka: Suppress it.

Ninotchka: Why should you carry other people’s bags?
Porter: Well, that’s my business, Madame.
Ninotchka: That’s no business. That’s social injustice.
Porter: That depends on the tip.

Ninotchka: We don’t have men like you in my country.
Leon: Thank you.
Ninotchka: That is why I believe in the future of my country.

Buljanoff: How are things in Moscow?
Ninotchka: Very Good. The last mass trials were a great success. There are going to be fewer but better Russians.

Ninotchka: I have heard of the arrogant male in capitalistic society. It is having a superior earning power that makes you that way.
Leon: A Russian! I love Russians! Comrade, I’ve been fascinated by your five-year plan for the last fifteen years.

Comissar Razinin (Bela Lugosi): This anonymous report was sent to me. They’re dragging the good name of our country through every cafe and nightclub. Here: How can the Bolshevik cause gain respect among the Muslims if your three representatives Bujlianoff, Iranoff and Kopalski get so drunk that they throw a carpet out of their hotel window and complain to the management that it didn’t fly?

Ninotchka: I must have a complete report of your negotiations and a detailed expense account.
Buljanoff: No, non, Ninotchka. Don’t ask for it. There’s an old Turkish proverb that says: If something smells bad, why put your nose in it?
Ninotchka: And there is an old Russian saying: The cat with cream on his whiskers had better find good excuses.

Russian Visa Official: To an unseen caller: “Hello! Comrade Kasabian? No, I am sorry. He hasn’t been with us for six months. He was called back to Russia and was investigated. You can get further details from his widow.”

Anna: Oh, that Burganoff. You never know if he’s on his way to the washroom or the secret police.

Leon: A radio’s a little box that you buy on the installment plan, and before you tune it in, they tell you there’s a new model out.

Mercier: Frankly gentlemen, we’re expected to take a loss.
Iranoff (Sig Ruman): Capitalistic methods…
Buljanoff: [nodding in agreement] They accumulate millions while taking loss after loss!

Iranoff: We can say whatever we want. We can shout! We can complain! Look: THE SERVICE IN THIS HOTEL IS TERRIBLE! See? Nobody comes, nobody pays any attention! That’s freedom.
Buljanoff: That’s bad management.

Ninotchka: I am a traitor. When I kissed you, I betrayed a Russian ideal. I should be stood up against the wall.
Leon: Would that make you any happier?
Ninotchka: Much happier!
Leon: All right.
[as she stands against the wall, Leon ties a handkerchief over her eyes, opens a Champaign bottle, and as it loudly pops she slumps to the floor]
Ninotchka: I have paid the penalty. Now, let’s have some music!

[Ninotchka is examining a map of Paris]
Leon: Pardon me, are you an explorer?
Ninotchka: No. I’m looking for the Eiffel Tower.
Leon: Good heavens, is that thing lost again? Oh, are you interested in a view?
Ninotchka: I’m interested in the Eiffel Tower from a technical standpoint.
Leon: Technical? No, no, I’m afraid I couldn’t be of much help from that angle. You see, a Parisian only goes to the tower in moments of despair to jump off.
Ninotchka: How long does it take a man to land?
Leon: Now isn’t that too bad? The last time I jumped, I forgot to time it.

Pere Mathieu, Cafe Owner: Now, what shall it be?
Ninotchka: Raw beets and carrots.
Pere Mathieu, Cafe Owner: Madame, this is a restaurant, not a meadow.

Iranoff: He is cutting our throat.
Buljanoff: What can we do? We have to accept.
Comrade Kopalski: Comrades, comrades. Don’t let’s give in so quickly. After all, we have to uphold the prestige of Russia!
Buljanoff: All right, let’s uphold it for another ten minutes.

Leon: I warn you gentlemen, if this case comes to trial, it’ll be before a French court. And when the Grand Duchess takes the stand…
Iranoff: All right, go ahead. Get her on the witness stand. What can she say?
Leon: Well, how will she look? The fashions this Spring are very becoming to her. Oh, Gentlemen, the judge will be French. The jury will be French. Everybody in the courtroom will be French. Have you ever seen a French court, when a beautiful woman sits in the witness stand and then raises her skirt a little? You sit down and pull up your pants and where would it get you?

Ninotchka: What’s that?
Comrade Kopalski: It’s a hat, Comrade. A woman’s hat.
Ninotchka: How can such a civilization survive which permits their women to put things like that on their heads. It won’t be long now, Comrades.

Leon: Your finger, please.
Ninotchka: Why do you need my finger?
Leon: It’s bad manners to point with your own.

Ninotchka: What do you do for mankind?
Leon: For mankind? Yes, eh, not so much, for mankind. But, for womankind my record isn’t quite so bleak.
Ninotchka: You are something we do not have in Russia.
Leon: Thank you.
Ninotchka: That’s why I believe in the future of my country.

Ninotchka: If you wish to approach me…
Leon: You know I want to!
Ninotchka: Then, do it through my lawyer.

Leon: Ninotchka, when we first went to my apartment, did I have the slightest idea that you were connected to this deal?
Ninotchka: You know now. And I know now that you’re a man who employs business methods which in Russia would be punished by death.

Leon: You like Scotch stories?
Ninotchka: Never heard one.
Leon: Well, two Scotchmen met on the street – and I don’t know the name of the street, it doesn’t matter anyway – one’s name was McGillicuddy. The other one’s name was McIntosh. McGillicuddy said to McIntosh, “Hello, Mr McGillicuddy.” McGillicuddy, McIntosh said to McGillicuddy, “Hello, Mr. McIn – Mr. McGillicuddy.” Then, McGillicuddy says to McIntosh, “How’s Mrs. McIntosh?” And McIntosh says to McGillicuddy, “How’s Mrs. McGillicuddy?”
Ninotchka: I wish they’d never met.

Leon: A man comes into a restaurant. He sits down at the table. He says, “Waiter, bring me a cup of coffee without cream.” Five minutes later the waiter comes back and says, “I’m sorry sir, we have no cream, can it be without milk?”

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