Artie (Lou Costello): They all laughed at Einstein and his theory of Relativity. Now, everybody’s got relatives.
Artie (Lou Costello): They also laughed at Marconi. The same people are sending telegrams.
Artie (Lou Costello): And what about Benjamin Franklin? They told him to go fly a kite!
[About Artie] Emmy Lou: Well, he is a scientist. It’s just that he’s kind of two people. A split personality. I wish you’d tell Uncle Raven what I said. Aunt May: Once, I told your uncle what you said, and he said Artie Pinsetter doesn’t have enough personality to split in two.
Aunt May: Artie, don’t bump into those cans of jelly. Artie (Lou Costello): I won’t, I’m in enough of a jam already.
[Near-sighted Mr. McGruder sees the gigantic Emmy Lou] Help! Help! Point me towards town!
Raven (Gale Gordon): I want him so plastered, he has to join A.A. one ‘A’ at a time.
Emmy Lou (Dorothy Provine): Are you laughing at me, Mr. Bates? Stanford Bates: No, ma’am. No, Emmy Lou. No, I never laugh. Never. Don’t believe in laughter.
Jackie Delaney: Little ol’ me isn’t too much woman for little ol’ you, is she? Artie (Lou Costello): Lady, if you were triplets, you wouldn’t know what too much woman is for little ol’ me.
Auntie May: [seeing the gigantic Emmy Lou] Oh my baby, my sweet baby. How you’ve grown.
Artie (Lou Costello): [As the Army is launching missiles at the gigantic Emmy Lou] Your uncle must have changed his mind about our wedding! Emmy Lou (Dorothy Provine) It’s the Army, Artie! Artie (Lou Costello): The Army? What have they have against marriage?