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Ten Worst Gifts To Buy A Woman

Ten Worst Gifts To Buy A Woman

If you’ve ever thought of getting your wife a new vacuum cleaner for a Christmas present, then you *need* to read this list — learn and live!

  • Never give a woman any kind of household appliance or something that is going to make “housework” easier. For instance, a blender, a toaster, a new vacuum, one of those mops they advertise on tv that does everything but sucks the life out of you, nor anything on an infomercial. One allowed choice is a new washing machine with a turbo spin cycle. (Makes laundry day go by pretty fast when you can at least sit on it during spin-dry and end up smiling the rest of the day.)
  • Any bulk cleaning supplies, “Honey, I got you that large box of Tide you have been wanting.” “This Windex should last you a while.” “I got a good deal on the industrial strength toilet bowl cleaner.” All I can say is, be prepared to run. I have faith that if you would have at least stopped and thought about what would be a much more intimate gift, you would have had the sense to spring for the $5 Chia Pet you were eyeing in Kmart.
  • Any sharp objects made by Ronco which slices or dices, or a set of Ginsu knives. These may one day be used as a weapon against you when you come home with lipstick on your collar after a “night out with the boys.”
  • Do not buy gifts for yourself and pretend they are for her. “Honey, I’m sure you’ll get a lot of use out of the new drill I bought you.” By then she will have put it to good use by drilling a quarter inch hole into the side of your skull for even thinking she would accept such a lame gift. After a gift like this, you probably won’t be around for next Christmas.
  • No name perfume which costs you $1.99, such as Eu de Toilet, which actually smells like the bathroom, moldy fruit, or your dirty socks. If you are going to buy her perfume, spring for the brand names.
  • Any type of cubic zirconia jewelry you see on the Home Shopping Network. It will be quite embarrassing when she is showing off that fabulous diamond to her friends and tries to cut glass with it. (Women actually test them you know.)
  • Please do not buy her clothes.  You are a man; you have no taste in woman’s clothes’€”you are lucky if you have taste in men’s clothing.  Should you be foolish enough to purchase her clothes, she will smile and say it’s beautiful while choking back tears and thinking “Where would I ever wear this outfit without being arrested for bad taste?” An additional hint, plaids do not go with stripes (even though you think your golfing outfit looks just fine). It’s a known fact to the rest of the world that that is a taboo. In the Northeast, like wearing white after Labor Day.
  • Do not give her a gift certificate to Jenny Craig or Weight Watchers. Most men would know better, especially the ones who have learned the correct response to “Do these pants make me look fat?” If you are one of the poor souls who still don’t get it and purchased a gift like this, be prepared for the silent treatment for a month.
  • Last but not least, never buy a woman anti-wrinkle cream.  These are not considered gifts, they are considered reasons for seriously injuring the person who bought it and just may stand up in a court of law — especially if the judge is a woman.

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