George Carlin Quotes – A collection of one-line jokes from George Carlin
- Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
- If man evolved from monkeys and apes. . . why do we still have monkeys and apes?
- I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, ‘Where’s the self-help section? ‘ She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
- What if there were no hypothetical questions?
- If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him. . . is he still wrong? (yes)
- If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
- Is there another word for synonym?
- Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do ‘practice’?
- Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
- What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
- If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
- Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
- Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
- If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
- Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
- Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
- Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
- How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
- Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny?
- What was the best thing before sliced bread?
- One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
- How is it possible to have a civil war?
- If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?
- If you ate pasta and antipasti, would you still be hungry?
- If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
- Whose cruel idea was it for the word ‘Lisp’ to have a ‘S’ in it?
- Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
- Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
- I’m not into working out. My philosophy is no pain, no pain.
- I’m in shape. Round is a shape.
- I’m desperately trying to figure out why Kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
- Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
- I’ve always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
- Ever notice when you blow in a dog’s face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?
- Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
- I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.
- One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you.
- They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you’ve got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn’t your biggest problem.
- Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you it’s because they’re such beautiful animals. I think my wife is beautiful, but I only have photographs of her on the wall.
- A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and said, ‘Don’t you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?’ I said ‘I didn’t know there were any witnesses. Now I’ll have to kill you too’.
- Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.