Funny movie quotes from Love Happy starring the Marx Brothers and Marilyn Monroe
Detective Sam Grunion (Groucho Marx): I am the same Sam Grunion who solved the international uranium-mining swindle. Scotland Yard was baffled; the FBI was baffled. They sent for me and the case was solved immediately: I confessed.
Detective Sam Grunion (Groucho Marx): Here’s another Broadway hopeful: Faustino the Great. For 20 years he was an organ grinder with a monkey. Then one day the monkey went on strike. He wanted shorter hours and longer bananas.
Faustino the Great (Chico Marx): Look, Mr. Lyons, I know you wanna make a good impression, but please – don’t play better than me.
Faustino the Great (Chico Marx): How long you study music?
Mr. Lyons: Fifteen years.
Faustino the Great (Chico Marx): Fifteen. You know, two more years, you could’ve been a plumber.
Faustino the Great (Chico Marx): Nevermind the pianissimo. I’m gonna make it very simple for you: we play it allegro pizzicato. That’s what-a you call ’em, high-class Carnegie Hall stuff. You know allegro pizzicato?
Mr. Lyons: No.
Faustino the Great (Chico Marx): You know Jimmy Pizzicato?
Mr. Lyons: No.
Faustino the Great (Chico Marx): None of the Pizzicatos?
Mr. Lyons: No.
Faustino the Great (Chico Marx): What do you know?
Mr. Lyons: I know pistachio.
Faustino the Great (Chico Marx): Pistachio? Ha! We play it! [shrugs]
Detective Sam Grunion (Groucho Marx): Come in. Is there anything I can do for you? What a ridiculous statement.
Grunion’s Client (Marilyn Monroe): Mr. Grunion. I want you to help me.
Detective Sam Grunion (Groucho Marx): I have a little sand left. What seems to be the trouble?
Grunion’s Client (Marilyn Monroe): Some men are following me.
Detective Sam Grunion (Groucho Marx): Really? I can’t understand why.
[Faustino, wanting to audition for Mike’s show of “unknowns,” promotes himself as a mind-reader]
Faustino the Great (Chico Marx): I no like-a to brag, but the thing I’m-a most unknown for is-a mind-reading. I give you demonstration. You’re thinking of something.
Mike Johnson: [dubiously] Right, so far.
Faustino the Great (Chico Marx): You’re thinking of a nice juicy steak with a French-a fried-a potatoes.
Mike Johnson: [far less than impressed] The exit’s over there.
Mike Johnson: I don’t want any sardines. I’m not throwing a bare turkey on the stage.
Detective Sam Grunion (Groucho Marx): Mackinaw, you know I have a full record of the case, and tonight at the opening of the play you MAY have the solution, but when the curtain rises, Madam Egelichi will be in the front box, and sitting next to her will be Count B’ullabaisse – but if you take away the count’s silk hat, his opera cloak and his full dress suit you’ll have ME, shivering in my underwear.
Detective Sam Grunion (Groucho Marx): [objecting to being killed with a straight razor] This’ll never do. I got a hide like an elephant. By the way, did you ever try to hide an elephant?
Ivan – Assassin in Grunion’s Office: You will be dead in five minutes
Detective Sam Grunion (Groucho Marx): Huh! For your information, my doctor gave me three years to live, and I don’t intend to make a fool out of HIM.
[Sam Grunion tries to follow Madam Egelichi but she halts him at gunpoint]
Detective Sam Grunion (Groucho Marx): Oh, no. I’m not gonna follow you and get shot. If I was half-shot I’d follow you.