Funny movie quotes from The Bank Dick starring W. C. Fields
Egbert Sousé (W. C. Fields): Was I in here last night and did I spend a twenty dollar bill?
Joe Guelpe (Shemp Howard): Yeah.
Egbert Sousé (W. C. Fields): Oh boy, what a load that is off my mind! I thought I’d lost it.
Egbert Sousé: My uncle, a balloon ascensionist, Effingham Hoofnagle, took a chance. He was three miles and a half up in the air. He jumped out of the basket of the balloon and took a chance of alighting on a load of hay.
Og Oggilby: Golly! Did he make it?
Egbert Sousé: Uh… no. He didn’t. Had he been a younger man, he probably would have made it. That’s the point. Don’t wait too long in life.
Egbert Sousé: Lompoc is noted for it’s beautiful girls. I imagine you’ve noticed them.
J. Pinkerton Snoopington: Yes. Yes I have. I’m a married man with a grown daughter – eighteen years of age.
Egbert Sousé: Oh, I’d like to meet her. I’m very fond of children. Girl children, around eighteen and twenty.
Egbert Sousé: Ten cents a share. Telephone sold for five cents a share. How would you like something better for ten cents a share? If five gets ya ten, ten’ll get ya twenty. A beautiful home in the country, upstairs and down. Beer flowing through the estate over your grandmother’s paisley shawl.
Og Oggilby: Beer?
Egbert Sousé: Beer! Fishing in the stream that runs under the arboreal dell. A man comes up from the bar, dumps $3,500 in your lap for every nickel invested. Says to you, “Sign here on the dotted line.” And then disappears in the waving fields of alfalfa.
Mrs. Hermisillo Brunch: [about Souse] He makes me sick!
Elsie Mae Adele Brunch Sousé: Shall I bounce a rock off his head?
Agatha Sousé: Respect your father, darling. What kind of a rock?
Og Oggilby: Oh… I knew this would happen! I was a perfect idiot to ever listen to you!
Egbert Sousé: You listen to me, Og! There’s nothing in this world that is perfect.
Egbert Sousé: Don’t be a luddy-duddy! Don’t be a mooncalf! Don’t be a jabbernowl! You’re not those, are you?
Boy in bank: Mommy, doesn’t that man have a funny nose?
Mother in bank: You mustn’t make fun of the gentleman, Clifford. You’d like to have a nose like that full of nickels, wouldn’t you?
Myrtle Sousé: I’ll starve myself to death, it’s the easiest way out. It’s not so difficult to do. I tried it yesterday afternoon.
J. Frothingham Waterbury: Gosh!… Oh, pardon my language.
Egbert Sousé: That’s okay. I swear sometimes myself.
Myrtle Sousé: I’ll bet that’s Og!
Mrs. Hermisillo Brunch: Mmm, he’s got her bettin’ now. She never gambled ‘fore she met him.
Elsie Mae Adele Brunch Sousé: What’s the matter, Pop? Don’t you love me?
Egbert Sousé: [raising his hand in anger] Certainly I love you!
Agatha Sousé: Don’t you dare strike that child!
Egbert Sousé: She’s not gonna tell ME I don’t love her.
Egbert Sousé: The jockey was a very insulting fellow. He referred to my proboscis as an adscititious excrescence. I had to tweak his nose.
J. Pinkerton Snoopington: Can’t we, eh, pull the shade?
Egbert Sousé: You can pull anything you want in here. It’s a regular joint.
Egbert Sousé: [during the car chase] The resale value of this car is going to be nil after this trip.
Egbert Sousé: [to bank robber, after narrowly missing the police during a car chase] Seems to be a great deal of traffic here for a country road. Don’t you think?
Egbert Sousé: Og Oggilby… sounds like a bubble in a bathtub!
Myrtle Sousé: [doing a crossword puzzle] What’s a six-letter word meaning “embezzlement”?
Mrs. Hermisillo Brunch: Prison.
Egbert Sousé: Is that gun loaded?
Mother in bank: Certainly not! But I think you are!
Egbert Sousé: Did you warble my little wren?
Egbert Sousé: There was an article in there telling how I apprehended a couple of crooks. Who stole two million dollars – from Skinner’s Lompoc Bank.
Mrs. Hermisillo Brunch: You would! Skinner’s Lompoc Bank. Thems the shylocks that’s got the mortgage on this house, ain’t they? Haunting you from morning to night – the old pinch pennies! I’m sorry they didn’t get away with the bag. Leave it to him. He would do a thing like that.
Mr. Skinner: I’ve been in consultation with our Director and we’ve decided that what has been needed in this bank for a long time is a special officer. Or, to refer to the article of the underworld, a bank dick. In lieu of your heroism, your valiant, dauntless courage, I have the honor to offer you this position. The remuneration at first will be very small – we’re a growing concern. We’re young. But, there are a great many chances for advancement. Who knows? Within a short time, you may become my Vice President. My first and only vice.
Egbert Sousé: Very good. What time in the morning?
Mr. Skinner: The bank opens at ten o’clock.
Egbert Sousé: Oh, well, that’s all right. If I’m not here on time, just go right ahead without me. I’ll catch up with ya.
Egbert Sousé: Ah, the Black Pussy Cafe and Snackbar… How would you like to go in and have a little spot?
J. Pinkerton Snoopington: No, I never drink during the business hours. Thank you.
Egbert Sousé: Just a little spot and we’ll find out how Gumlake came out at Delmar today.
J. Pinkerton Snoopington: This-a, this place isn’t crowded, is it?
Egbert Sousé: No, if it wasn’t for me the place would starve to death.
J. Pinkerton Snoopington: Well, I’ll dawdled for about ten minutes.
Egbert Sousé: Okay, we’ll dawdle together.
Egbert Sousé: This town has an altitude of 500 feet. Population is 4,500. Schools. Churches. Public Library. Three blocks of paved streets. Two trains a day – not counting the milk train that goes through at four o’clock in the morning. We have three drug stores – one actually sells medicine.
J. Pinkerton Snoopington: Stop. I’m dying. Could you direct me to a culvert.
Egbert Sousé: Why don’t you wait to get up to the hotel. Its only six blocks. We pass the Spanish-Americo Chili Parlor on the way up.
Lompoc Ladies Auxiliary: I shall make it my business to see that the Lompoc Ladies Auxiliary will be involved. I thought this was a family hotel?
Hotel Desk Clerk: Oh, yes. Yes, indeed, it is. Mr. Snoopington has a touch of ptomaine.
Lompoc Ladies Auxiliary: Hmm. It didn’t smell like ptomaine.
Egbert Sousé: Hello, Doc. How are ya? How’s business?
Doctor Stall: Oh, fair, fair. I don’t suppose we’ll ever get another whooping cough epidemic again.
J. Frothingham Waterbury: I want to prove to you that I’m honest, in the worst way.
Joe Guelpe: [to Souse] Say, you better come in and have a little poultice on the house.
Mrs. Hermisillo Brunch: Imagine a man who takes money out of a child’s piggybank – puts in I.O.U.s!
Egbert Sousé: I have a half interest in a cod liver oil mine down in Cape Cod. Snowed all winter. We did a lot of boondoggling. Did you ever boondoggle, Joe?
Egbert Sousé: Boy, you’re headin’ right down my alley. In the old Sennett days, I used to direct Fatty Arbuckle, Charlie Chaplin, Buster Keaton, and the rest of ’em. Can’t get the celluloid outta my blood. At nights I used to tend bar.
Egbert Sousé: We’re making motion picture history here.
Egbert Sousé: [Demonstrating cigarette tricks] I’ll teach you when you grow up. I never smoked a cigarette until I was nine.
Egbert Sousé: I don’t hang around that Black Pussy Cafe for nothin’.
Egbert Sousé: I have a young daughter, marriageable age; also a small daughter; a nice wife and a mother-in-law that loves me like her own son.
Egbert Sousé: Hello, Snoopy, old boy! How do you feel?
J. Pinkerton Snoopington: Oh, I feel as though I’ve been poisoned.
Egbert Sousé: Now, leave everything to me. I’ll do the worry. Be happy! Gay! I’ll have the management send you up a radio. Come on, Doc, we better be going. Toodle-oo.
Mr. Skinner: We are grateful to you for retrieving the bank’s funds.
Egbert Sousé: Oh, well, that was in the line of duty.
Mr. Skinner: And we feel we’ve shown our gratitude by giving you a position as bank’s officer. But, when you caution Mrs. Muttle’s little son, about carrying a toy pistol into the bank, that’s going too far. I can not impress upon you to firmly, the Skinner Bank is a dignified institution.
Egbert Sousé: Yeah, that’s the way I always figured it, yes. I guess you figured it the same way, working here the same as I do.
Mr. Skinner: Furthermore, I’ve been informed that you are a frequenter of a cafe known as the Black Pussy.
Egbert Sousé: Would you like to examine the books at the Black Pussy – eh – Cafe?