Funny movie quotes from Pardon Us, the Laurel and Hardy comedy, their first feature-length movie, starring Stan Laurel, Oliver Hardy, James Finlayson, Walter Long
Funny movie quotes for Pardon Us (1931) starring Laurel and Hardy
Oliver (Oliver Hardy): Well here’s another nice mess you’ve gotten me into.
Stanley (Stan Laurel): What do you mean I got you into?
Oliver (Oliver Hardy): Well, you sold that policeman that bottle of beer, didn’t you?
Stanley (Stan Laurel): I thought he was a streetcar conductor.
Desk Sergeant: What’s your name?
Stanley (Stan Laurel): Stanley Laurel.
Desk Sergeant: Say ‘sir’ when you’re addressing me. Now, what’s your name?
Stanley (Stan Laurel): Sir Stanley Laurel.
Desk Sergeant: What’s your name?
Oliver (Oliver Hardy): Oliver Norvell Hardy, sir.
Stanley (Stan Laurel): [they are wearing blackface] Oliver, er, Sambo!
Stanley (Stan Laurel): [gesturing to an African American cellmate and an Asian cellmate] Look, Amos and Andy.
Oliver (Oliver Hardy): We’re not going to the mess hall. We’re not going to eat.
Prison Guard: You’re not going to eat?
Stanley (Stan Laurel): No, we’re on a hunger strike.
Oliver (Oliver Hardy): Imfatically.
Prison Guard: What? You’re going to pass up that nice, big roast turkey with chestnut dressing, and sweet potatoes Southern style, great big pans of hot biscuits, strawberry shortcake smothered in whipped cream, sprinkled with powdered sugar, with a nice, big maraschino cherry on the top of it. Course, followed by a nice, big slice of ice cold watermelon and a big, black cigar.
Stanley (Stan Laurel): Any nuts?
Prison Guard: All you can eat of ’em.
Stanley (Stan Laurel): How about postponing the strike until tomorrow?
Oliver (Oliver Hardy): Well … But not one minute after tomorrow.
Prison Guard: Come on, fall in!
Stanley (Stan Laurel): [later; Stan sees their meal of gruel] Hey! What about that turkey dinner?
Prison Guard: [shouts] Sit down, you!
Warden: [seeing Stan and Ollie for the first time]
[sadly]
Warden: My, my, and still they come. Let us begin with a perfect understanding. I am just as sorry to see you here as you are to be here. Keep one thing in mind, it all depends on you yourselves just how you’re going to fare during your stay here. Never forget that this is a prison, and in a prison, all the rules must be obeyed. Discipline is the one thing that must be observed. If you are good prisoners, everything will be okay. If you’re not, if you break the rules, then it will be just plain hell on Earth. Do you understand?
Stanley (Stan Laurel): Yes, sir.
[tooth buzzes]
Warden: [begins to go ballistic] Wha…!
Oliver (Oliver Hardy):It was his tooth …
Warden: [shouts] Shut up, you! Put them in cell 14!
Prison Guard: But not in with The Tiger, sir.
Warden: [shouts] Put them in Cell 14! Get them out of here before I lose my temper!! Talking to the warden like that! A fine piece business. Convicts talking to the warden.
[shouts]
Warden: Why, I’ll take those men, I’ll break them! I’ll put them in Cell 14. I don’t care who’s in there! What I’ll do with them.
Stanley (Stan Laurel): [after getting their prison pictures taken] If they turn out good, can I have one?
Prison Guard: Come on, get out of here!
Oliver (Oliver Hardy): When are you going to get that tooth fixed? Every time you speak you make a funny noise. It sounds like a pipe organ.
Prison Guard: Clowning, eh?
Insurgent Convict: Hey! Hey! Hey! What are you doing there? Keep off of my head!
Oliver (Oliver Hardy): Pardon me, I’m a stranger here.
The Tiger (Walter Long): Put’er there. Ha ha ha. You’re the first guy who had the nerve to raspberry The Tiger. I like a guy that does that.
The Tiger: Ha ha, hey, you and me is gonna be good pals.
Stanley (Stan Laurel): Thank you.
[tooth buzzes]
The Tiger: Hey, I heard you the first time. Now don’t take advantage of my good humor. But if you do …
[starts to strangle Stan]
Schoolteacher (James Finlayson): You spell “Needle”!
Oliver (Oliver Hardy):[pause] N-E-I-D-L-E.
Schoolteacher (James Finlayson): There is no “I” in needle!
Stanley (Stan Laurel): Then it’s a rotten needle.
Schoolteacher (James Finlayson): Now, what is a comet? You!
Prisoner: A comet. A comet is a star with a tale on it.
Schoolteacher (James Finlayson): Correct.
[points to Stan]
Schoolteacher (James Finlayson): Name one.
Stanley (Stan Laurel): Rin Tin Tin.
Schoolteacher (James Finlayson): D’oh!
Prison Guard: They disappeared as if the earth had completely swallowed them.
Warden: Don’t worry about those two babes in the woods. Use the bloodhounds. Those hounds never fail. Why they’ll trail them so straight, it will be a cinch. Those hounds are ferocious. They’re killers. Ha ha ha ha, I’d like to see their faces when they see those hounds. Now hop to it.
Oliver (Oliver Hardy):[Stan and Ollie are wearing blackface] They’ll never recognize us in a 100 years. For once in your life you’ve hit upon a good idea.
Stanley (Stan Laurel): A practical idea.
Oliver (Oliver Hardy): What about the tooth? The buzzer.
Stanley (Stan Laurel): Oh, I fixed that too. I vulcanized it.
Oliver (Oliver Hardy): You what?
Stanley (Stan Laurel): I vulcanized it. I put some chewing gum in there and it don’t buzz any more.
Oliver (Oliver Hardy): You’re actually using your brain. That’s what comes from associating with me.
Stanley (Stan Laurel): What do you mean associa-
Oliver (Oliver Hardy): Tut tut tut tut.
Stanley (Stan Laurel): Tut tut tut tut?
[last lines]
Warden: My boys, and you are my boys, I hold in my hand the pardons for both of you. This is the state’s gesture in showing it’s appreciation of your bravery. It was the firing of the signal shots in the mess hall that saved us from a disaster of cataclysmic dimensions.
[Stan and Ollie stare blankly; Warden hands them their pardons]
Oliver (Oliver Hardy): Thank you, sir.
Warden: Now go, begin life anew. Forget this. Let this episode here be just a hiatus to be obliterated from your memory. And don’t forget that I’m your friend. Anything that I can do to help you start where you left off, call on me at any time.
Oliver (Oliver Hardy): Thank you.
[to Stan]
Oliver (Oliver Hardy): We’ll start all over again.
Stanley (Stan Laurel): We certainly will.
[to Warden]
Stanley (Stan Laurel): Can we take your order for a couple of cases?
[tooth buzzes]
Warden: Why you…!
[Stan and Ollie run from the office; screen fades to black; “THE END” appears on screen]
Oliver (Oliver Hardy):[at the prison dentist] Who ever heard of a dentist hurting you these days? Why, you won’t even feel it.
Stanley (Stan Laurel): You won’t feel it, but how about me? How about those other fellows?
Oliver (Oliver Hardy):Ha ha ha ha, they were only laughing.
[sits down in dentist chair beside Stan]
Oliver (Oliver Hardy): You know, there are times when you try my patience. There’s nothing to it. It’s all in your mind. Now just sit back and … Relax. Why they could pull every tooth in my head and I wouldn’t even feel it.
[the dentist accidentally sets to work on Ollie’s teeth; Ollie yelps in pain]
Oliver (Oliver Hardy):Why didn’t you tell him?
Stanley (Stan Laurel): I thought you were laughing.
Schoolteacher (James Finlayson): We will now have the roll call. Those that are here will answer “present”. Those that are not here will say “absent”.
Schoolteacher (James Finlayson): We shall now have an intelligence test. Who was Columbus?
Prisoner: The mayor of Ohio.
Schoolteacher (James Finlayson): [pause] What did he do?
Insurgent Convict: He died.
Schoolteacher (James Finlayson): Well, of course he died. Who killed him?
The Tiger: Clark Robbins.
Schoolteacher (James Finlayson): Who said that?
The Tiger (Walter Long): I did.
Schoolteacher (James Finlayson): [pause] Correct.
Schoolteacher (James Finlayson): What is a blizzard?
Stanley (Stan Laurel): A blizzard? A blizzard is the inside of a buzzard.
Schoolteacher (James Finlayson): Fresh, huh?
Schoolteacher (James Finlayson): How many times does three go into nine?
Stanley (Stan Laurel): …Three times.
Schoolteacher (James Finlayson): Correct.
Stanley (Stan Laurel): And two left over.
Schoolteacher (James Finlayson): [nods; Ollie begins to giggle] What are you laughing at?
Oliver (Oliver Hardy): There’s only one left over.
Schoolteacher (James Finlayson): D’oh!
Prison Guard: [placing the boys in solitary confinement] This is your suite.
Stanley (Stan Laurel): Have you got the time?
[Stan is shoved inside the hole and the door is locked]
Stanley (Stan Laurel): Ollie?
Oliver (Oliver Hardy): What?
Stanley (Stan Laurel): I wonder how long we’re going to be in here.
Oliver (Oliver Hardy): Oh, about two months I guess.
Stanley (Stan Laurel): Gee, that’s a month apiece.
Warden: So they wanted a showdown, did they? They wanted a fight into a finish, did they? Well by the livin’ Lucifer, THEY’RE GOING TO GET IT! Go on now, hop to it.