Joker (Mark Hamill): So, what’s an old-timer like you want with a two-timer like me?
[the Phantasm goes to Valestra’s mansion, but instead finds Valestra dead, along with Joker’s surveillance camera and a bomb]
Joker (Mark Hamill): Whoops! Ha! I guess the joke’s on me. You’re not Batman after all. Looks like there’s a new face in Gotham and soon his name will be all over town … to say nothing of his legs, and feet, and spleen, and head …
[the Phantasm leaps out the window just as the bomb explodes]
Joker (Mark Hamill): Can’t be too careful with all those weirdos around.
Andrea Beaumont (Dana Delany): What’s that you’re practicing?
Bruce Wayne (Kevin Conroy): Jujitsu.
Andrea Beaumont (Dana Delany): Gesundheit … That was a joke.
Arthur Reeves (Hart Bochner): [on TV] What kind of city are we running when we depend on the support of a potential madman!
[click]
Alfred Pennyworth (Efrem Zimbalist Jr.): What rot, sir! Why you’re the very model of sanity. Oh, by the way, I pressed your tights and put away your exploding gas balls.
Bruce Wayne (Kevin Conroy): Thank you, Alfred.
Joker (Mark Hamill): Mi casa nostra es su casa nostra.
[at Andrea’s mother’s grave]
Andrea Beaumont (Dana Delany): So, tell me … with all that money and power, how come you always look like you want to jump off a cliff?
Bruce Wayne (Kevin Conroy): Why do you care?
Andrea Beaumont (Dana Delany): I don’t. Mom was asking.
Andrea Beaumont (Dana Delany): Hi. Hey, what happened to you? Trip over some loose cash? It’s been three days since we met and still no calls. I figured you must be dead or something.
Bruce Wayne (Kevin Conroy): You expect every guy you meet to call you up?
Andrea Beaumont (Dana Delany): The ones who are smart enough to dial a phone.
[Bruce’s crime-fighting training is derailed by his infatuation with Andrea]
Bruce Wayne (Kevin Conroy): What am I doing, Alfred? This isn’t part of the Plan! I must be going nuts!
Alfred Pennyworth (Efrem Zimbalist Jr.): If I may be so bold, sir, I’d say quite the opposite.
Batman (Kevin Conroy): You think you know everything about me, don’t you?
Alfred Pennyworth (Efrem Zimbalist Jr.): I diapered your bottom; I bloody well ought to, sir!
Alfred Pennyworth (Efrem Zimbalist Jr.): There are certain advantages to having a sturdy cranium, Master Bruce. But then, hardheadedness was always your virtue.
Andrea Beaumont (Dana Delany): You’re not smiling, Joker. I thought you found death amusing.
The Joker (Mark Hamill): Oh, me? You won’t hear a giggle out of me.
[Joker presses a button. Hazel the Robot laughs maniacally and attacks with a cleaver]
The Joker (Mark Hamill): Ain’t it always the way? You get in the mood and company shows up.
The Joker (Mark Hamill): For once, I’m stuck without a punchline.
The Joker (Mark Hamill): Very cute! But I can blow smoke too, toots!
[Buzz talks to Chuckie’s tombstone, leaving a wreath]
Buzz Bronski (John P. Ryan): Chuckie, Chuckie. You always were a loser.
The Phantasm (Stacy Keach): [just before dropping a statue on Buzz Bronski] You always were a loser, Mr. Bronski.
Joker (Mark Hamill): You’re crazy! I’m your only chance to get out of here! Let me go or we’ll both die!
Batman (Kevin Conroy): Whatever it takes!
Joker (Mark Hamill): You just don’t know when to quit, do you?
[while Reeves is trying to resist the effects of Joker’s toxin, Batman appears in his hospital room]
Arthur Reeves (Hart Bochner): [gasps, then giggles helplessly] Oh, no!
Batman (Kevin Conroy): Why did the Joker meet with you?
[Reaves keeps giggling]
Batman (Kevin Conroy): It has to do with the gangster murders, doesn’t it? He thinks you’re involved. WHY?
Arthur Reeves (Hart Bochner): [giggling] I don’t know!
Batman (Kevin Conroy): [grabs him] That’s not the answer I want!
[Reaves manages to calm down]
Arthur Reeves (Hart Bochner): Beaumont needed me to help him and his kid get out of town …
[starts to giggle again]
Arthur Reeves (Hart Bochner): He kept in touch.
Batman (Kevin Conroy): When was the last time you spoke to him?
Arthur Reeves (Hart Bochner): Years ago, my first election campaign. I was running out of money and I asked him for help …
[giggles]
Arthur Reeves (Hart Bochner): He said no!
Batman (Kevin Conroy): So you sold him to the mob.
Arthur Reeves (Hart Bochner): [now laughing hysterically] I was broke! Desperate! They said all they wanted was their money back!
[he collapses with laughter, as Batman leaves in disgust]
[Sal walks through the remains of the “Future of Gotham” park as the robots sing; then the Joker enters]
Joker (Mark Hamill): I hate that song … Gasp! Can it be? Old Sallie ‘the Wheezer’ Valestra! Welcome, paisan! It’s been a dog’s age!
Salvatore ‘Sal The Wheezer’ Valestra (Abe Vigoda): [nervously] Hello, Joker. Didn’t mean to drop by unannounced.
Joker (Mark Hamill): Don’t touch me, old man! I don’t know where you’ve been.
The Joker (Mark Hamill): What a photo op: The city councilman and his wacky pal!
The Joker (Mark Hamill): That’s it. That’s what I want to see, a nice big smile.
The Joker (Mark Hamill): [when Batman picks up the phone in Andrea’s apartment] Hello, anybody home? Listen, boopsie, even though you never call and never write, I still got a soft spot for you. So I’m sending you a fun gift, airmail! And there’s no use jumping out the window this time, toots …
[Batman looks out the window and sees a toy Joker plane flying in carrying a bomb]
The Joker (Mark Hamill): The plane of the future is going to make you history!
[Batman throws a Batarang, exploding the bomb outside the window; the blast knocks him back against the wall, and the phone is left dangling]
The Joker (Mark Hamill): [laughing] Hello? Hello, operator? I believe my party’s been … disconnected! HA-HA-HA-HA-HAAAAA!
[after meeting Sal Valestra]
Bruce Wayne (Kevin Conroy): Is my shirt too big, or is that my flesh crawling?
Joker (Mark Hamill): I’m impressed, lady. You’re harder to kill than a cockroach on steroids.
The Phantasm (Stacy Keach): So, you figured it out.
[the Phantasm removes his mask to reveal Andrea Beaumont]
Joker (Mark Hamill): Gotta hand it to you, nice scheme. Costume’s a bit theatrical, but hey, who am I to talk?
[Andrea Beaumont has just called Arthur’s office]
Joker (Mark Hamill): Now ain’t that a co-inky-dink? [grabs Arthur by his shirt] Here we are discussing the old man when the spawn of his loins just happens to call! Makes you want to laugh, doesn’t it, Artie? [he laughs maniacally]