Is Santa Claus a Time Lord?
I have figured out how you can explain Santa Claus to your children. Clearly, Santa is a Time Lord from Gallifrey, like Doctor Who. Here are my solutions to the most common objections:
1) How does he fit all the toys in that tiny sleigh?
Actually, it’s not a sleigh. It’s a TARDIS (Time And Relative Dimension In Space). Santa Claus is actually a Time Lord (for those of you who don’t know, that’s the race that Doctor Who comes from.) A TARDIS has the quality of being dimensionally transcendental, which means that it is bigger on the inside than it is on the outside. TARDISes also have something called a chameleon circuit, which allows them to assume any outward appearance.
Rumor has it that Santa Claus drives a new Type 80 TARDIS with the Improved Definition chameleon circuit, thus allowing it to assume a form as complex as a sleigh with reindeer.
2) How does Santa get all the way around the world in one night?
Because TARDISes can travel in Time and Space freely. Santa Claus merely sets the same temporal coordinates for every trip.
3) How can Santa get into your house even if you don’t have a chimney?
Because TARDISes, by virtue of their ability to travel in the 5th dimension, can materialize inside houses without actually traversing the intervening space. Think of a square drawn on a piece of paper. A 2-dimensional being would think it to be a completely enclosed space. However, it would be easy for a 3-dimensional being to add or remove things from the square because the third dimension is open to them.
4) Why do they say Santa Claus lives at the North Pole when Robert Peary never reported him living there?
Because it’s not the North Pole of EARTH. It’s actually the North Pole of GALLIFREY, the Time Lords’ home planet.
5) How could Santa Claus have been delivering toys for hundreds of years?
Because Time Lords have extremely long lifespans, generally several thousand years. Plus, they can regenerate 12 times during their life, allowing them to survive mortal injuries that would kill a human.
So, there you have it. If your kids ask about Santa, tell them to watch Doctor Who.
Disclaimer:The author is not a Time Lord, nor does he have any official sanction from the High Council of Gallifrey. This information is purely speculative and has yet to be confirmed by official information from the Matrix.
