SUBJECT: Intelligence Resignation letter
I have come to the conclusion, with great regret that it is necessary for me to resign. Things being as they are, I fell I am a failure as an intelligence analyst — I will never have the qualifications needed to fulfill this unenviable, thankless, and increasingly frustrating job.
To be an analyst, one must be courteous, diplomatic, shrewd, persuasive, an expert briefer, even-tempered, slow to anger, a Sherlock Holmes, up-to-date, good looking(with a firm voice and honest eyes), and in possession of a photographic memory. Additionally, an analyst must be an English scholar, an expert in various weapons systems, and the embodiment of virtue … with a good working knowledge of sin and evil in all of its forms.
An analyst must have a detailed understanding of all types of devices that can cause death and despair (both currently available and planed for future release), as well as electricity, engineering, physics and politics, chemistry and causeways, mechanics and manufacturing, science and smuggling, and finally horse trading and human nature. Though not absolutely necessary, it is considered most helpful if an analyst possesses a MBA, Ph.D., PDQ, and WXYZ.
An analyst must also be a mind reader, a hypnotist and an athlete. He must be acquainted with weapons of all types, as well as all associated precursor chemicals available, and he must know the exact Black Market price for everything from an AK-47 round to a three-stage thermonuclear device. An analyst must know all, see all, and tell absolutely nothing without verifying a valid need-to-know. It is also extremely useful for an analyst to have the ability to be in several places (minimum of six) at the same time.
Finally it is essential for the analyst to be able to arrive at an assessment which can perfectly and equally satisfy the Section Chief, the NCOIC, the Commander, the MAJCOM IN, and all forward deployed units … with out being an alarmist.
Having heard of only one person with the above qualification, and finding he was crucified nearly 2000 years ago, I feel it is impossible for me to achieve the ranks of a good intelligence analyst(thought I have tried my utmost in my daily personal life to emulate him.) Therefore, with out further ado and for the benefit of all, I, being diminished in mental and physical capacity, do herewith relinquished all rights, claims, and titles, both past, present, and future, as an intelligence analyst.