Funny movie quotes from We’re No Angels starring Humphrey Bogart,Aldo Ray, Peter Ustinov, Leo G. Carroll, Basil Rathbone, Joan Bennett. Set in 1955, around Christmas, three prisoners — Joseph, Albert and Jules — escape from Devil’s Island to a small French coastal town. They decide to rob a store in order to get some money and clothes so they can travel by ship to another place. They pretend to be there to fix the roof, but pretty soon they realize that the financial condition of the family Ducotel is not good. The three convicts spend Christmas night with the Ducotels and are so well treated by the family that they decide to help them.
Joseph (Humphrey Bogart): We came here to rob them and that’s what we’re gonna do – beat their heads in, gouge their eyes out, slash their throats. Soon as we wash the dishes.
Andre Trochard (Basil Rathbone): Out of my way, you lout!
Albert (Aldo Ray): [deadpan] You frighten me.
Andre Trochard (Basil Rathbone): [to Isabelle] Your opinion of me has no cash value.
Albert (Aldo Ray): [looking at the Navy officer in full dress whites] I think he looks like a glass of milk.
Albert (Aldo Ray): If crime showed on a man’s face, there wouldn’t be any mirrors.
Albert (Aldo Ray): What if she knows his handwriting?
Joseph (Humphrey Bogart): If you got a beautiful note like this, would you bother comparing signatures?
Albert (Aldo Ray): No. It’d have to be signed by a girl, though.
Jules (Peter Ustinov): Tell him there’s a deadly poisonous snake inside of the cage. Tell him.
Joseph (Humphrey Bogart): [Joseph leaves the room. Re-enters a few seconds later]
Jules (Peter Ustinov): You didn’t tell him?
Joseph (Humphrey Bogart): [after a pause] He knows already.
Joseph (Humphrey Bogart): I’ll say one thing about prison. You meet a better class of people.
Albert (Aldo Ray): I read someplace that when a lady faints, you should loosen her clothing.
Joseph (Humphrey Bogart): [Sarcastically] It’s that kind of reading that got you into trouble.
Felix Ducotel (Leo G. Carroll): I’ll say one thing for crooks – they give you an honest day’s work.
[Joseph brings Andre a spiny pineapple on a plate to eat with no utensils]
Andre Trochard (Basil Rathbone): Knife! Fork! How am I supposed to eat that?
Joseph (Humphrey Bogart): [matter-of-factly] You eat it like an apple.
[Joseph gives him a look like this is common knowledge]
Felix Ducotel (Leo G. Carroll) Don’t misunderstand me. It’s true that I never liked my cousin, only because he was not likable. He had a number of good points, I’m sure. I just can’t think of any.
Joseph (Humphrey Bogart): In the immortal words of somebody or other, “Well done, Adolphe.”
Joseph (Humphrey Bogart): If you don’t mind my saying so, Albert, he’s got it all over you.
Albert (Aldo Ray): [forced out of Isabelle’s room by Jules] But you’re supposed to when a girl faints!
Jules (Peter Ustinov): Christmas has always been a wonderful time for me. In fact, that’s how I got into trouble. I came home and found my wife giving my friend a… present.
Amelie Ducotel (Joan Bennett): What a shame.
Jules (Peter Ustinov): Oh, it was my fault entirely. I should have written and told her I was coming.
Albert (Aldo Ray): Even the girl herself called us angels.
Joseph (Humphrey Bogart): We’re no angels.
Jules (Peter Ustinov): That is a very handsome woman.
Jules (Peter Ustinov): [on opening the petty cash box] You’ll have to forgive me, it’s been a while since I’ve done this
[closes eyes]
Jules (Peter Ustinov): and I’m used to doing it in the dark.
Joseph (Humphrey Bogart): I’m going to buy them their Christmas turkey.
Albert (Aldo Ray): “Buy”? Do you really mean “buy”?
Joseph (Humphrey Bogart): Yes, buy! In the Spirit of Christmas. The hard part’s going to be stealing the money to pay for it.
Joseph (Humphrey Bogart): [Referring to the Ducotels] People like that – how can you cut their throats?
Albert (Aldo Ray): [Dryly] It isn’t easy.
Felix Ducotel (Leo G. Carroll) [to his wife] You know how miserable I get when I’m unhappy.
Jules (Peter Ustinov): [Talking about Joseph] That’s his life – selling people things they don’t want for more than they can afford to buy.
Amelie Ducotel (Joan Bennett): I’d like to talk to you if can spare a few minutes.
Joseph (Humphrey Bogart): A man sentenced to life can always spare a few minutes.
Amelie Ducotel (Joan Bennett): It’s you?
Joseph (Humphrey Bogart): How could I be anybody else?
Amelie Ducotel (Joan Bennett): [Speaking of their daughter] Look! Every page of her diary… how much she loves him!
Felix Ducotel (Leo G. Carroll) [Befuddled] Hmmm? What? You – you – you read her private thoughts?
Amelie Ducotel (Joan Bennett): Why do you think I gave her the diary?
Joseph (Humphrey Bogart): That’s the way it is, “in the midst of life,” et cetera, et cetera, I forget the rest of it.
Albert (Aldo Ray): Now I’ve really lost her.
Joseph (Humphrey Bogart): You never really had her.
Jules (Peter Ustinov): [after failing to get any of the Ducotels to discover a body] Isn’t that always the way? When you have a body you don’t want found everybody falls all over it!
Jules (Peter Ustinov): [seeing Isabelle for the first time] I have a daughter about her age. She looked like her mother. Lovely woman, her mother. Wish I’d married her.
Mme. Parole: Murderers are best, I think. They’re so polite.