Funny movie quotes Malice in the Palace – the Three Stooges short where they run a restaurant, defeat some bullies, go to rescue a gem disguised as Santa Claus!
At the Three Stooges Restaurant
Hassan Ben Soba (Vernon Dent): I am Hassan Ben Soba.
Shemp: I had a few too many myself. [chuckles]
Moe: Quiet! [throws a handful of spaghetti in Shemp’s face]
Moe: [to Hassen Ben Soba and Ginna Rumma] What’ll you have?
Hassan Ben Soba: We want…
Moe: [cutting him off] We don’t have any more.
Larry: All we got left are rabbit and hot dogs.
Hassan Ben Soba: Rabbit.
Ginna Rumma: Hot dogs.
Larry: Hot dog, they’ll take rabbit.
Shemp: [after nearly bumping into Moe and Larry] Boy, if I hadn’t ducked, we would have collided sure. What a narrow escape.[stands up and knocks over the dishes being held above him]
Ginna Rumma: [after Shemp knocks a plate of spaghetti on him] Take this off! Take this off!
Moe: [cleaning off Hasan Ben Soba] Now, take it easy. We’ll have you all fixed up in a minute. What’s this? [pulling out a cupcake with a lit candle] Oh, happy birthday!
Shemp: [handing Ginna a plate] Hold this. [taking out a pair of scissors] Just a minute, I’ll take it right off. I would leave it on. People don’t know if you’re coming or going with this on. [cutting the spaghetti like a barber] There you are, sir. You look very pretty, and the spaghetti is as good as new.
Ginna Rumma: Why, you…! [draws a dagger, preparing to attack Shemp]
Shemp: Whoa! Whoa, whoa…
Hassan Ben Soba: Dog of dogs! How dare you! [draws out a dagger]
Larry: A thousand pardons! It was unavoidable!
Moe: Wait a minute! Wait a minute! This would degrade you.
Hassan Ben Soba: It’s true; I am an aristocrat! I am Hassan ben Sobar!
Shemp: I had a few too many myself! [laughs; Moe throws spaghetti at Shemp’s face]
Moe: Quiet! We gotta clean up this mess!
Larry: [after Hassan, Ginna, Moe, and Shemp think he’s killed a dog and a cat, he comes out to serve the food] Here you are, gentlemen. Hot dog, when it comes to cookin’ I’m the cat’s meow!
Moe: Hey, spinach chin, do you mean to tell me that you’re only a doorman?
Hassan Ben Soba: [tearfully] Yes!
Shemp: Well, there’s the door, man.
Three Stooges prepare to go to the palace
Moe: There’s only one 100-carat diamond, and it comes from Rootin Tootin’s Tomb.
Shemp: That’s government property.
Moe: Right, and if we return it, we’ll get a big reward.
Larry: Yeah! Maybe fifty-thousand bucks. Boy, with that kind of money, we could rent a one-room apartment in Hollywood… maybe.
Moe: [after showing us the map briefly, he narrates while pointing and tracing with one of the daggers] We start here at Jerkola, down the Insane River, over the Giva Dam, through Pushover, across Schmowland, to the Stronghold of Schmow.
Cut scene at the restaurant
[Curly Howard filmed a scene for Malice in the Palace, but it was cut, due to his speech being slurred after his career-ending stroke]
Larry: One rabbit, one hotdog!
Angry Chef “Curly”: Fix it yourself! I’m going to lunch!
Larry: Lunch?
Angry Chef “Curly”: Soitenly! You think I’d eat in this dump?
At the Palace
Guard outside palace: Hark! Who goes there?
Moe, Larry and Shemp (together): Santa Claus!
Guard outside palace: Ah, there ain’t no Santa Claus.
Shemp: [as all three of them get out and open their bag] Oh, yes, there is, and we’ve got a present for you.
Guard outside palace: You have?
Moe: Yeah, right here! [hits the guard over the head and he falls into the bag unconscious]
Moe: [giving turban to guard who has just been hit with fruit] Your hat.
Palace Guard (inside): Thank you.
Moe: You’re welcome.
Palace Guard (inside): [realizes what just happened] Why you-! [is cut off as Moe gets scared before dropping a vase on his his head]
Shemp: That’s some perfume. What brand do you use?
Harem Girl: Sphinx.
Shemp: I know, but what brand do you use? [Moe throws a vase at Shemp]