Funny movie quotes from Horse Feathers, starring the Marx Brothers (Groucho Chico, Harpo, Zeppo)
Baravelli (Chico Marx): [through speakeasy’s door] Who are you?
Professor Wagstaff (Groucho Marx): I’m fine, thanks, who are you?
Baravelli (Chico Marx): I’m fine too, but you can’t come in unless you give the password.
Professor Wagstaff (Groucho Marx): Well, what is the password?
Baravelli (Chico Marx): Aw, no. You gotta tell me. Hey, I tell what I do. I give you three guesses. It’s the name of a fish.
Professor Wagstaff (Groucho Marx): Is it Mary?
Baravelli (Chico Marx): Ha-ha. That’s-a no fish.
Professor Wagstaff (Groucho Marx): She isn’t? Well, she drinks like one. Let me see: Is it sturgeon?
Baravelli (Chico Marx): Hey, you crazy. Sturgeon, he’s a doctor cuts you open when-a you sick. Now I give you one more chance.
Professor Wagstaff (Groucho Marx): I got it. Haddock.
Baravelli (Chico Marx): That’s-a funny. I gotta haddock, too.
Professor Wagstaff (Groucho Marx): What do you take for a haddock?
Baravelli (Chico Marx): Well-a, sometimes I take-a aspirin, sometimes I take-a Calamel.
Professor Wagstaff (Groucho Marx): Say, I’d walk a mile for a Calamel.
Baravelli (Chico Marx): You mean chocolate calamel. I like that too, but you no guess it. Hey, what’s-a matter, you no understand English? You can’t come in here unless you say, “Swordfish.” Now I’ll give you one more guess.
Professor Wagstaff (Groucho Marx): …swordfish, swordfish ¢â¬Â¦ I think I got it. Is it “swordfish”?
Baravelli (Chico Marx): Hah. That’s-a it. You guess it.
Professor Wagstaff (Groucho Marx): Pretty good, eh?
Baravelli (Chico Marx): You gotta brother?
Mullen: No.
Baravelli (Chico Marx): You gotta sister?
Mullen: Yeah.
Baravelli (Chico Marx): Well-a, you sister, she’s a very sick man, you better come with us.
Mullen: Yeah? What happened to her?
Baravelli (Chico Marx): She hadda accident in her automobile.
McCarthy: Ah, she has no automobile.
Baravelli (Chico Marx): Well-a, maybe she’s-a fall off-a horse. I don’t-a look very close. Come on, we take you in our car.
Mullen: You will, eh? Well, I have no sister.
Baravelli (Chico Marx): That’s all right. We no gotta car. Come on.
[Wagstaff’s looking in a microscope]
Biology Professor: What do you think of that slide?
Professor Wagstaff (Groucho Marx): Well, I think he was safe at second, but it was very close.
Connie (Thelma Todd): Oh, Professor, you’re full of whimsy.
Professor Wagstaff (Groucho Marx): Can you notice it from there? I’m always that way after I eat radishes.
Professor Wagstaff (Groucho Marx): Tomorrow we start tearing down the college.
The Professors: But, Professor, where will the students sleep?
Professor Wagstaff (Groucho Marx): Where they always sleep: in the classroom.
Frank (Zeppo Marx): Dad, let me congratulate you. I’m proud to be your son.
Professor Wagstaff (Groucho Marx): My boy, you took the words right out of my mouth. I’m ashamed to be your father. You’re a disgrace to our family name of Wagstaff, if such a thing is possible.
Professor Wagstaff (Groucho Marx): Who was that?
Connie (Thelma Todd): The ice man.
Professor Wagstaff (Groucho Marx): Is that so? Well, you can’t pull the wool over my ice.
Professor Wagstaff (Groucho Marx): You know you’ve got the brain of a four-year-old child, and I bet he was glad to get rid of it.
Professor Wagstaff (Groucho Marx): I married your mother because I wanted children. Imagine my disappointment when you arrived.
Professor: The trustees have a few suggestions they would like to submit to you.
Professor Wagstaff (Groucho Marx): I think you know what the trustees can do with their suggestions.
[in canoe]
Professor Wagstaff (Groucho Marx): I was gonna get a flat bottom but the girl at the boat house didn’t have one.
Professor Wagstaff (Groucho Marx): You know, this is the first time I’ve been out in a canoe since I saw “The American Tragedy.”
Biology Professor: Here is the liver.
Professor Wagstaff (Groucho Marx): What, no bacon? I’d send that back if I were you.
Connie (Thelma Todd): If icky baby don’t learn about the football signals, icky baby gonna cwy.
Professor Wagstaff (Groucho Marx): If icky girl keep on talking that way, big stwong man’s gonna kick all of her teef wight down her fwoat.
Professor Wagstaff (Groucho Marx): I think you’ve got something there, but I’ll wait outside until you clean it up.
Baravelli (Chico Marx): You sing-a high.
Connie (Thelma Todd): Yes, I have a falsetto voice.
Baravelli (Chico Marx): That’s-a funny; my last pupil she had-a false set-a teeth.
Jennings: If this is a singing lesson I’m a ring-tailed monkey!
Professor Wagstaff (Groucho Marx): This is a singing lesson, and keep your family out of it.
Professor Wagstaff (Groucho Marx): [to lecturing anatomy professor] Is this stuff on the level or are you just making it up as you go along?
Professor Wagstaff (Groucho Marx): [singing] I don’t know what they have to say / It makes no difference anyway / Whatever it is, I’m against it. / No matter what it is or who commenced it, I’m against it! / Your proposition may be good / But let’s have one thing understood: / Whatever it is, I’m against it. / And even when you’ve changed it or condensed it, I’m against it! / For months before my son was born / I used to yell from night till morn: / Whatever it is, I’m against it! / And I’ve kept yelling since I’ve first commenced it, I ‘m against it.
Retiring President: Eh, by the way, professor, there is no smoking.
Professor Wagstaff (Groucho Marx): That’s what you say.
Retiring President: It would please the faculty if you threw your cigar away.
Professor Wagstaff (Groucho Marx): The faculty members might as well keep their seats. There’ll be no diving for this cigar.
Baravelli (Chico Marx): There’s a man outside with a big black moustache.
Professor Wagstaff (Groucho Marx): Tell him I’ve got one!
Jennings: I love good music.
Professor Wagstaff (Groucho Marx): So do I, let’s get out of here.
Jennings: Sit down!
Professor Wagstaff (Groucho Marx): [to the audience] I’ve got to stay here, but there’s no reason why you folks shouldn’t go out into the lobby until this thing to blows over.
Professor Wagstaff (Groucho Marx): I’m Professor Wagstaff of Huxley College.
Baravelli (Chico Marx): That means nothing to me.
Professor Wagstaff (Groucho Marx): Well, it doesn’t mean anything to me either. I’ll try it over again. I’m Professor Huxley of Wagstaff College.
Baravelli (Chico Marx): Well, you didn’t stay at the other college very long.
Professor Wagstaff (Groucho Marx): In case I never see you again, which would add ten years to my life, what would you fellas want to play football?
Baravelli (Chico Marx): Well, first we want a football.
Professor Wagstaff (Groucho Marx): Well, I don’t know if we’ve got a football, but if I can find one, would you be interested? I don’t want a hasty answer, just sleep on it.
Baravelli (Chico Marx): I no think I can sleep on a football.
Professor Wagstaff (Groucho Marx): You’re heading for a breakdown, why don’t you pull yourself to pieces?
Professor Wagstaff (Groucho Marx): And I say to you gentlemen that this college is a failure. The trouble is we’re neglecting football for education.
Professor in Wagstaff’s Study, Professor in Wagstaff’s Study: Exactly. The professor is right.
Professor Wagstaff (Groucho Marx): Oh, I’m right, am I? Well, I’m not right, I’m wrong. I just said that to test you. Now I know where I’m at- I’m dealing with a couple of snakes. What I meant to say was that there’s too much football and not enough education.
Professor in Wagstaff’s Study, Professor in Wagstaff’s Study: That’s what I think.
Professor Wagstaff (Groucho Marx): Oh, you do, do you? Well, you’re wrong again! If there was a snake here, I’d apologize.
Professor Wagstaff (Groucho Marx): [the retiring president has just made a speech] Well, I thought my razor was dull until I heard his speech. And that reminds me of a story that’s so dirty I’m ashamed to think of it myself.
[receptionist opens door to Wagstaff’s office where he is conferring with two professors]
Wagstaff’s Receptionist: Oh, Professor, the Dean of Science wants to know how soon you can see him. He says he’s tired of cooling his heels out here.
Professor Wagstaff (Groucho Marx): Tell him I’m cooling a couple of heels in here.
[receptionist leaves and re-enters fifteen seconds later]
Wagstaff’s Receptionist: The Dean is furious! He’s waxing wroth!
Professor Wagstaff (Groucho Marx): Is Roth out there, too? Tell Roth to wax the Dean for awhile.
[nudges one professor]
Professor Wagstaff (Groucho Marx): Guess that’s bad, huh?
Jennings: What are you doing here?
Baravelli (Chico Marx): Me? I’m the music teacher. I give her singing lessons.
Jennings: [to Connie] Since when are you taking singing lessons?
Baravelli (Chico Marx): Since you came in.
Jennings: [to Wagstaff] What are you doing here?
Professor Wagstaff (Groucho Marx): I’m the plumber. I’m just hanging around in case something goes wrong with her pipes.
[to audience]
Professor Wagstaff (Groucho Marx): That’s the first time I’ve used that joke in twenty years.
Professor Wagstaff (Groucho Marx): Have you ever had any experience as a kidnapper?
Baravelli (Chico Marx): You bet. You know what I do when I kidnap somebody? First I call ¢â¬Ëem up on the telephone, then I send ¢â¬Ëem my chauffer.
Professor Wagstaff (Groucho Marx): Oh, have you got a chauffer? What kind of a car have you got?
Baravelli (Chico Marx): Oh, I no got a car, I just got a chauffer.
Professor Wagstaff (Groucho Marx): Well maybe I’m crazy, but when you have a chauffer, aren’t you supposed to have a car?
Baravelli (Chico Marx): Well I had one, but-a you see it cost too much money to keep a car and a chauffer so I sold the car.
Professor Wagstaff (Groucho Marx): Well that shows you how little I know. I would’ve kept the car and sold the chauffer.
Baravelli (Chico Marx): That’s a-no good. I gotta have a chauffer to take me to work in the morning.
Professor Wagstaff (Groucho Marx): Well if you’ve got no car, how can he take you to work?
Baravelli (Chico Marx): He don’t have to take me to work, I no got a job.
Professor Wagstaff (Groucho Marx): Baravelli, this is the finish: how much would you want to stand at the wrong end of a shooting gallery?
Professor Wagstaff (Groucho Marx): [referring to the picture of the pin-up girl] Baravelli, is this your picture?
Baravelli (Chico Marx): I don’t think so. It no look-a like me.
Professor Wagstaff (Groucho Marx): Young man, you’ll find as you get older, you can’t burn the candle at both ends.
[Harpo pulls out a candle burning at both ends]
Professor Wagstaff (Groucho Marx): Well, I knew you couldn’t burn something at both ends. I thought it was a candle.
Professor Wagstaff (Groucho Marx): Why, I’d horsewhip you if I had a horse!
Professor Wagstaff (Groucho Marx): Why don’t you go home to your wife? I’ll tell you what, I;ll go home to your wife, and outside of the improvement she’ll never know the difference.
Jennings: [at the College Widow’s apartment] Pretty popular place, huh?
Professor Wagstaff (Groucho Marx): Yes, a hot dog stand would clean up here.
Professor Wagstaff (Groucho Marx): Jumping anaconda!
Frank (Zeppo Marx): Dad, two of the greatest football players in the country hang out in a speakeasy downtown.
Professor Wagstaff (Groucho Marx): Are you suggesting that I, the president of Huxley College, go into a speakeasy without even giving me the address?
Football Coach: [sees Wagstaff lying in the middle of the field with a cigar] What are you doing with that cigar in your mouth?
Professor Wagstaff (Groucho Marx): Why? Do you know another way to smoke it?