Funny movie quotes from A Day at the Races, starring the Marx Brothers, a very funny Marx Brothers film
[Dr. Hackenbush is pointing to a portrait of one of Judy’s parents]
Dr. Hackenbush (Groucho Marx): You know, I proposed to your mother once.
Judy (Maureen O’Sullivan): But that’s my father!
Dr. Hackenbush (Groucho Marx): No wonder he turned me down.
[Stuffy has grabbed some poison to drink]
Dr. Hackenbush (Groucho Marx): Hey, don’t drink that poison! That’s $4.00 an ounce!
Dr. Hackenbush (Groucho Marx): Oh, well, uh, to begin with, I took four years at Vassar.
Mrs. Upjohn (Margaret Dumont): Vassar? But that’s a girls’ college.
Dr. Hackenbush (Groucho Marx): I found that out the third year. I’d ‘ve been there yet, but I went out for the swimming team.
[Taking a pulse]
Dr. Hackenbush (Groucho Marx): Either he’s dead or my watch has stopped.
Flo: I want to be near you. I want you to hold me. Oh! Hold me closer! Closer! Closer!
Dr. Hackenbush (Groucho Marx): If I hold you any closer, I’ll be in back of you!
Dr. Hackenbush (Groucho Marx): It’s the old, old story. Boy meets girl – Romeo and Juliet – Minneapolis and St. Paul!
Whitmore: Just a minute, Mrs. Upjohn. That looks like a horse pill to me.
Dr. Hackenbush (Groucho Marx): Oh, you’ve taken them before.
Mrs. Upjohn (Margaret Dumont): Are you sure, Doctor, you haven’t made a mistake?
Dr. Hackenbush (Groucho Marx): You have nothing to worry about. The last patient I gave one of those to won the Kentucky Derby.
Whitmore: May I examine this, please? Do you actually give those to your patients? Isn’t it awfully large for a pill?
Dr. Hackenbush (Groucho Marx): Well, it was too small for a basketball, and I didn’t know what to do with it. Say, you’re awfully large for a pill yourself.
[Tony offers Dr. Hackenbush a hint book]
Tony (Chico Marx): One dollar and you’ll remember me all your life.
Dr. Hackenbush (Groucho Marx): That’s the most nauseating proposition I ever had.
Mrs. Upjohn (Margaret Dumont): Dr. Hackenbush tells me I’m the only case in history. I have high blood pressure on my right side and low blood pressure on my left side.
Dr. Leopold X. Steinberg (Sig Ruman): There is no such thing. She looks as healthy as any woman I ever met.
Dr. Hackenbush (Groucho Marx): You don’t look as though you’ve ever met a healthy woman.
[Hackenbush is asked to ‘OK’ a file]
Dr. Hackenbush (Groucho Marx): I’m too busy right now. I’ll tell you what. I’ll put the ‘O’ on now and come back later for the ‘K.’
Flo: Oh, what is the meaning of this? Oh, why you little pest. Well!
Dr. Hackenbush (Groucho Marx): Say, what’s the matter with you mugs?. Haven’t you got any gallantry at all?
Tony (Chico Marx): She’s in with Whitmore. She’s trying to frame you.
Dr. Hackenbush (Groucho Marx): I wouldn’t mind framing her. A prettier picture, I’ve never seen.
Flo: Thank you.
Dr. Hackenbush (Groucho Marx): Thank yo.
Tony (Chico Marx): Hey Doc! Doc, I’m tell you a secret – she’s out to get you.
Flo: Why, I’ve never been so insulted in my life.
Dr. Hackenbush (Groucho Marx): Well, it’s early yet.
Dr. Hackenbush (Groucho Marx): [to Dr. Steinberg] Don’t point that beard at me! It might go off!
Tony (Chico Marx): Well, that’s-a fine. Now we owe the Sheriff a hundred and twenty dollars and a sock.
Tony (Chico Marx): Hey doc, can you see us?
Dr. Hackenbush (Groucho Marx): If I can’t there’s something wrong with my glasses.
[Talking about Stuffy]
Tony (Chico Marx): I think he’s a ubangi.
Dr. Hackenbush (Groucho Marx): Well, I’ll get a hammer and “ubangi” that right off.
[Stuffy blows a balloon during a medical exam]
Dr. Hackenbush (Groucho Marx): If that’s his Adam’s-apple, he’s got yellow fever.
Tony (Chico Marx): He’s got in-grown balloons.
Flo: Oh doctor. Thank you.
Dr. Hackenbush (Groucho Marx): Thank “yu”. Do you like gardenias?
Flo: I adore them. How did you know?
Dr. Hackenbush: I didn’t, so I got you forget-me-nots. One whiff of this and you’ll forget everything.
[Hackenbush hands her a wilted sunflower. He seats her and pushes in her chair at the table]
Flo: Thank you.
Dr. Hackenbush (Groucho Marx): Thank “yu”.
Flo: [handing him her wrap] Do you mind?
Dr. Hackenbush (Groucho Marx): Not at all. I always take the wrap.
Gil: Are you a man or a mouse?
Dr. Hackenbush (Groucho Marx): You put a piece of cheese down there and you’ll find out.
Tony (Chico Marx): Have you got a woman in here?
Dr. Hackenbush (Groucho Marx): If I haven’t, I’ve wasted 30 minutes of valuable time!
Tony (Chico Marx): Well, you better get her out of here! This is the last time I’m going to tell you.
Dr. Hackenbush (Groucho Marx): The last time? Can I depend on that?
Dr. Hackenbush (Groucho Marx): [examining Stuffy with an auriscope] I haven’t seen anything like this in years. The last time I saw a head like that was in a bottle of formaldehyde.
Tony (Chico Marx): Told you he was sick.
Dr. Hackenbush (Groucho Marx): [pointing to Stuffy’s neck] That’s all pure desecration along there. He’s got about a 15% metabolism, with an overactive thyroid and a glandular affectation of about 3%.
Tony (Chico Marx): That’s bad.
Dr. Hackenbush (Groucho Marx): With a 1% mentality.
[Stuffy grins]
Dr. Hackenbush: He’s what we designate as the crummy moronic type. All in all, this is the most gruesome looking piece of blubber I’ve ever peered at.
Tony (Chico Marx): Hey doc. Hey doc!
Dr. Hackenbush (Groucho Marx): Huh?
Tony (Chico Marx): You gotta the looking glass turned around, you’re looking at yourself.
Dr. Hackenbush (Groucho Marx): Here’s a ten-dollar bill and shoot the change, will you?
Tony (Chico Marx): I got-a no change. I’ll have to give you nine more books.
Dr. Hackenbush (Groucho Marx): She’s so in love with me, she doesn’t know anything. That’s why she’s in love with me.
[Stuffy is getting an examination]
Dr. Hackenbush (Groucho Marx): Say “ah!”
[Stuffy opens his mouth, but says nothing]
Dr. Hackenbush (Groucho Marx): Louder!
[Stuffy does the same thing]
Dr. Hackenbush (Groucho Marx): Louder!
[Stuffy does the same thing. Dr. Hackenbush starts to leave]
Tony (Chico Marx): What are you doing?
Dr. Hackenbush (Groucho Marx): I’m going to get my ears checked. I’m deaf.
Tony (Chico Marx): You’re not deaf. It’s just him.
[referring to Ms. Marlowe]
Dr. Hackenbush (Groucho Marx): You’ve got it all wrong. This is my aunt. She’s come to talk over some old family matters.
Tony (Chico Marx): I wish I had an aunt look like that.
Dr. Hackenbush (Groucho Marx): Well, take it up with your uncle.
[after taking his watch from under Steinberg’s gaze and tossing it in a wash basin]
Dr. Hackenbush (Groucho Marx): I’d rather have it rusty than missing.
Dr. Hackenbush (Groucho Marx): I haven’t seen so much mudslinging since the last election!
Dr. Hackenbush (Groucho Marx): And I’ve got a question for you: Steinberg, what do you do with your old razor blades?
Tony (Chico Marx): [disgused as an ice cream vendor] You wanna something hot?
Dr. Hackenbush (Groucho Marx): Not now, I just ate. Besides, I don’t like hot ice cream.
[Tony is selling Hackenbush one book after another at the race track]
Tony (Chico Marx): Well, justa by accident I think I gotta one right here.
Dr. Hackenbush (Groucho Marx): A lotta accidents around here for a quiet neighborhood.
Tony (Chico Marx): We come to hang the paper.
Dr. Hackenbush (Groucho Marx): How about hanging yourselves?
Whitmore: The doctor seems reluctant to discuss his medical experiences.
Dr. Hackenbush (Groucho Marx): Well, medically, my experiences have been most unexciting. Except during the flu epidemic.
Whitmore: Ah, and what happened?
Dr. Hackenbush (Groucho Marx): I got the flu.
Tony (Chico Marx): [to Stuffy] Morgan fired you, huh? He wanted you to throw the race?
Gil: Wanted Stuffy to be crooked, eh?
Tony (Chico Marx): Yeah, you know he’s honest!
[Stuffy’s hand starts to creep into ice cream cart – Tony slams the lid of his down onto it]
Tony (Chico Marx): He’s honest, but you gotta watch him a little.
Tony (Chico Marx): Hey, boss! C’mere! Sun-Up is the worst horse on the track!
Dr. Hackenbush (Groucho Marx): I notice he wins all the time.
Tony (Chico Marx): Aw, just because he comes in first.
Dr. Hackenbush (Groucho Marx): Well, I don’t want ’em any better than first.
Tony (Chico Marx): Getta your tootsie-frootsie ice cream!
Judy (Maureen O’Sullivan): If you’ll excuse me, I’ll go and bring in the rest of the staff.
Dr. Hackenbush (Groucho Marx): [to Whitmore] Why don’t you go out and bring in something. Preferably your resignation.
Judy (Maureen O’Sullivan): And do be nice to Mrs. Upjohn, won’t you?
Dr. Hackenbush (Groucho Marx): Well, she’s not exactly my type, but for you, I’d make love to a crocodile!
Tony (Chico Marx): Excuse, please. We’re sure getting a lot of new customers since that Doctor Hac-ken-a-pus is coming.
Mrs. Upjohn (Margaret Dumont): Did you say Hackenbush?
Tony (Chico Marx): Yes, ma’am.
Mrs. Upjohn (Margaret Dumont): I wonder if that could be the same one! Where’s he come from?
Tony (Chico Marx): Where’s your Hac-ken-a-pus come from?
Mrs. Upjohn (Margaret Dumont): Palmville, Florida.
Tony (Chico Marx): That’s the one!
Judy (Maureen O’Sullivan): Who’s Doctor Hackenbush?
Tony (Chico Marx): I don’t know. But if she wants a Hac-ken-a-bush, she’s gonna get a Hac-ken-a-pus.
Dr. Hackenbush (Groucho Marx): Here, boy. Here, boy, eh, take these bags and run up to my room and, eh, here’s a dime for yourself.
Mrs. Upjohn (Margaret Dumont): Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Eh, this is Mr. Whitmore, our business manager.
Dr. Hackenbush (Groucho Marx): Oh, I’m terribly sorry. Here’s a quarter.
Mrs. Upjohn (Margaret Dumont): Surely, you don’t question the Doctor’s ability.
Whitmore: No, not exactly. But running a sanitarium calls for a man with peculiar talents.
Dr. Hackenbush (Groucho Marx): You don’t have to look any further, I’ve got the most peculiar talents of any doctor you’ve ever met.
Judy (Maureen O’Sullivan): I want to announce your association with the Sanitarium. We’ll send your picture to all the papers.
Dr. Hackenbush (Groucho Marx): The Florida papers?
Judy (Maureen O’Sullivan): Yes. We want it for publicity.
Dr. Hackenbush (Groucho Marx): Publicity? Oh, we mustn’t have any of that, Miss Standish. You know, the ethics of my profession.
Judy (Maureen O’Sullivan): But, we have to get new patients.
Dr. Hackenbush (Groucho Marx): Well, after all, the old patients were good enough for your father.
Whitmore: [Speaking on the phone, believes he is talking to the Florida Medical Board, but, it is really Dr. Hackenbush, pretending to be Medical Board Records Department Manager, Colonel Hawkings] I want to know about Doctor Hackenbush.
[Hackenbush, in an adjacent office, buzzes the dictograph. Whitmore goes to answer it]
Whitmore: Yes?
Dr. Hackenbush (Groucho Marx): Whitmore, you’ll have to cut out that squawking. The patients are all complaining.
[Talking on the phone in a Southern accent, pretending to be Colonel Hawkings]
Dr. Hackenbush (Groucho Marx): And, eh, I hope, sir, that’s the information that you require.
Whitmore: I’m sorry, Colonel, I didn’t hear it. I was called to the dictograph.
Dr. Hackenbush (Groucho Marx): [On the phone, pretending to be Colonel Hawkings] What was that you said, sir?
Whitmore: I was called to the dictograph!
Tony (Chico Marx): [Talking to Stuffy] You’re hungry, eh? You want-a some ice cream? You want-a nice big steak? With spinach? All right, all right, no spinach. No spinach. Apple-a pie? And a-beautiful nurses? Oh, baby, come on you a-gonna get a nurse. Oh my, you gonna get-a plenty to eat.
Dr. Wilmerding: What’s the matter with Mrs. Upjohn?
Dr. Hackenbush (Groucho Marx): Nothing, in its most violent form.
Secretary: Doctor, may I have an OK on this, please?
Dr. Hackenbush (Groucho Marx): I’m too busy right now. I”ll tell you what, I’ll put the O on now and come back later for the K.
Doctor: Doctor Hackenbush.
Dr. Hackenbush (Groucho Marx): A little later.
[to his nurse]
Dr. Hackenbush (Groucho Marx): Eh, get me the Turkish bath.
Nurse: Yes sir.
Nurse: Doctor, the Turkish Bath.
[Hands him the phone]
Dr. Hackenbush (Groucho Marx): Hello. Yes, will you look in the steam room and see if my frankfurters are done?
Mrs. Upjohn (Margaret Dumont): How would you like me to dance away from you?
Dr. Hackenbush (Groucho Marx): I’d be satisfied if you’d dance off my feet.
Mrs. Upjohn (Margaret Dumont): Hugo, I’m disappointed in you. To think of you dancing with that strange woman.
Dr. Hackenbush (Groucho Marx): Well, don’t think of it. Think of me dancing with you.
Flo: Oh, eh, how about a little scotch?
Dr. Hackenbush (Groucho Marx): Why, I’d love it. Oh, eh, I’ll ring for some.
Flo: Thank yo.
Dr. Hackenbush (Groucho Marx): Thank yo.
[Picks up the phone]
Dr. Hackenbush (Groucho Marx): Will you have the bellhop hop up with some hop scotch.
[Hangs up phone]
Dr. Hackenbush (Groucho Marx): I’ll flip you to see who pays for it.
Flo: Oh-oh, Doctor.
Flo: [Stuffy walks in wearing a Sherlock Holmes outfit and starts examining Flo’s bare shoulder with a magnifying glass] Oh!
Dr. Hackenbush (Groucho Marx): If you’re looking for my fingerprints, you’re a little early!
Whitmore: [In walk Tony and Stuffy, disguised as Doctors] Dr. Hackenbush, tell me, who sent for these men?
Dr. Hackenbush (Groucho Marx): You don’t have to send for them. You just rub a lamp and they appear.
Tony (Chico Marx): My name is Steinberg.
[Goes to shake Dr. Steinberg’s hand]
Dr. Hackenbush (Groucho Marx): Dr. Steinberg, by a strange coincidence, this is another Dr. Steinberg. May I take my great friend and introduce my colleagues and good friends, another Dr. Steinberg. This is a Dr. Steinberg, Dr. Steinberg. Dr. Steinberg. And a Mrs. Steinberg. And Doctor, I’d like you to meet another Dr. Steinberg. And, eh, that’s a, that’s a Steinberg junior.
Dr. Hackenbush (Groucho Marx): [to Stuffy] Take her pulse. Take her pulse!
Mrs. Upjohn (Margaret Dumont): [Stuffy takes Mrs. Upjohn’s purse] Oh, no-no-no! My purse! My purse! My purse! He has my purse!
Dr. Hackenbush (Groucho Marx): You must forgive him, he doesn’t spell very well, Mrs. Upjohn.
Tony (Chico Marx): Ah, signorina, gentile, e bella. Oh, baby, you look-a good to me.
Flo: Oh, oh-oh, stop it.
Dr. Hackenbush (Groucho Marx): Hey, wait a minute. I thought you came here to see me?
Tony (Chico Marx): Well, I can see you from here.
Flo: Oh, oh, get up, you… oh, oh…
Dr. Hackenbush (Groucho Marx): Emily, I have a confession to make. I really am a horse doctor. But marry me, and I’ll never look at another horse.