Funny movie quotes from At the Circus starring the Marx Brothers (Groucho, Chico, Harpo), Eve Arden, Margaret Dumont
Antonio Pirelli (Chico): You know what I say. Whenever you got business trouble the best thing to do is to get a lawyer. Then you got more trouble, but at least you got a lawyer.
Eve Arden trying to beguile Groucho Marx
Peerless Pauline (Eve Arden): I’ve waited so long to find someone like you.
J. Cheever Loophole (Groucho): Oh, someone like me, I’m not good enough for you, eh?
Peerless Pauline (Eve Arden): [talking Groucho into walking on the ceiling with her special shoes]But it’s so easy. The bottom of your shoe creates a suction that holds you up in the ceiling.
J. Cheever Loophole (Groucho): No, no, I’d rather not. I have an agreement with the houseflies. The flies don’t practice law and I don’t walk on the ceiling.
Peerless Pauline (Eve Arden): Perhaps you’ll think I’m forward, but last night, when I first saw you,
J. Cheever Loophole (Groucho): And slammed the door in my face.
Peerless Pauline (Eve Arden): I realized that you were the man I’ve been dreaming of.
J. Cheever Loophole (Groucho): What do you eat before going to bed?
Peerless Pauline (Eve Arden): Oh, but, you don’t have to go right now, do you?
J. Cheever Loophole (Groucho): Well, there’s nothing to keep me here that I can see, from this angle.
Peerless Pauline (Eve Arden): But, we, we hardly know each other. I can be very entertaining if I want to be.
J. Cheever Loophole (Groucho): [Speaking directly to the camera] There must be some way of getting that money without getting in trouble with the Hays Office. [Speaking to Pauline] Will you walk on your hands?
Peerless Pauline (Eve Arden): Oh, you’ll love it! Come on, Cheever.
J. Cheever Loophole (Groucho): Are you sure we are not being too hasty. After all, I am just a boy. You’re, you’re a trooper, an aerial star.
Peerless Pauline (Eve Arden): Yes. You could be too. You’re tall. You’re strong.
J. Cheever Loophole (Groucho): You’re nearsighted!
Groucho and Chico
J. Cheever Loophole (Groucho): I bet your father spent the first year of your life throwing rocks at the stork.
J. Cheever Loophole (Groucho): I don’t know what I’m doing here, when I could be at home in bed with a hot toddy.
Antonio Pirelli (Chico): Huh?
J. Cheever Loophole (Groucho) : That’s a drink!
Antonio Pirelli (Chico): If you please, Mistah Carter?
John Carter: What do you want?
Antonio Pirelli (Chico): Can I have a month off next August?
John Carter: What for?
Antonio Pirelli (Chico): Well, you see, my lawyer, he got-a me a divorce, and one month every year I win the custody of my wife’s parents.
J. Cheever Loophole (Groucho): Ah ah! Bad luck, three on a midget!
Antonio Pirelli (Chico): Folks, I wanna you should meet my pal! My best friend! What’s your name again?
J. Cheever Loophole (Groucho): [annoyed] Loophole.
Antonio Pirelli (Chico): [shaking his hand] Glad to know ya!
J. Cheever Loophole (Groucho): It’s your pleasure.
Circus at the high-class party
Antonio Pirelli (Chico): You know what I think? The guy who hit Jeff on the head and knocked him out didn’t like him.
J. Cheever Loophole (Groucho): Now let’s not jump to concussions.
Mrs. Suzannah Dukesbury (Margaret Dumont): [a giraffe licks her neck] Not here, monsieur. Not here.
J. Cheever Loophole (Groucho): Oh, I can’t help it. It’s just the animal in me.
J. Cheever Loophole (Groucho): Suzanna, I-eh-I hate to bring up money matters in the bedroom, but, eh…
Mrs. Suzannah Dukesbury (Margaret Dumont): But, what!
J. Cheever Loophole (Groucho): Well, eh, just write me out a check for ten thousand dollars and everybody will be happy including the gorilla. And, I do mean you.
Mrs. Suzannah Dukesbury (Margaret Dumont): You, monster. You’re responsible this disgrace!
J. Cheever Loophole (Groucho): That’s gratitude for you. Most men get their sweethearts one ring for an engagement. I got you three rings!
Mrs. Suzannah Dukesbury (Margaret Dumont): A circus! I’ll be a laughing stock.
Mrs. Suzannah Dukesbury (Margaret Dumont): Get me out of this cannon! Get me out of this cannon! Please, get me out of this cannon!
Groucho and Margaret Dumont
Mrs. Suzannah Dukesbury (Margaret Dumont): [referring to the seating arrangements at an upcoming dinner] the judge shall sit on my left hand, and you [turning to Groucho] shall sit on my right.
J. Cheever Loophole (Groucho): How will you eat? Through a tube?
Mrs. Suzannah Dukesbury (Margaret Dumont): We must have regard for certain conventions.
J. Cheever Loophole (Groucho): One guy isn’t enough. She’s gotta have a convention.
Mrs. Suzannah Dukesbury (Margaret Dumont): Well! What is the meaning of this?
J. Cheever Loophole (Groucho): Keep your sheet on, I’m looking for old lady Dukesbury.
Mrs. Suzannah Dukesbury (Margaret Dumont): I am Mrs. Dukesbury.
J. Cheever Loophole (Groucho): Snook’ems!
[Rushes to her arms]
Mrs. Suzannah Dukesbury (Margaret Dumont): Oh, good gracious! I don’t know you.
J. Cheever Loophole (Groucho): You mean you’ve, you’ve forgotten?
Mrs. Suzannah Dukesbury (Margaret Dumont): Well, I…
J. Cheever Loophole (Groucho): I know, you have forgotten. Those June nights on the Riviera, where we sat ‘neath the shimmering skies! Moonlight bathing in the Mediterranean! We were young, gay, reckless! The night I drank champagne from your slipper – two quarts. It would have held more, but you were wearing inner soles! Oh, Hildegarde!
Mrs. Suzannah Dukesbury (Margaret Dumont): My name is Suzanna!
J. Cheever Loophole (Groucho): Let’s not quibble!
J. Cheever Loophole (Groucho): You’re like a beautiful chandelier. I’d like to be around when you get lit up.
J. Cheever Loophole (Groucho): O, Susanna, o, Susanna [Starts singing] Oh, won’t you fly with me/for I need $10,000 ’cause the Sheriff’s after me.
Harpo and Nat Pendleton
[shortly after Goliath and Punchy walked into the big top, an announcer mentions that Goliath is to catch three one-hundred pound cannon balls, one at a time and Punchy lights three cannons one at a time toward Goliath. The first and third cannon fuses function correctly. After Goliath caught first cannonball second cannon’s fuse faltered, Goliath then claps his hands twice, motioning for Punchy, to light the third cannon. After Goliath successfully caught the first and third cannon balls, he then turn around accepting the applause. As Goliath is turned around, accepting the applause, the second cannon ball goes off and its cannonball popped Goliath, in his rear end! Then the crowd starts laughing extremely loud! Goliath, after being “popped in his rear”, is so exasperated that he throws his barbell at Punchy]
Goliath: Why, I’ll fix you!
[When Punchy is hit by the Goliath’s barbell, only his head appears, above the ground]
Little Professor Atom: What do you want?
Antonio Pirelli (Chico): Oh, sure, we come in if you insist.
Little Professor Atom: Is this a friend of yours?
Antonio Pirelli (Chico): I should say not, he’s a lawyer.
J. Cheever Loophole (Groucho): No thanks, I’ll sit this one out. I’m just an old groundhog. I shouldn’t even be out until February.
Antonio Pirelli (Chico): [Talking to ‘Punchy’ in the train’s sleeper car] How can you fall asleep? Oh, you count-a sheep, heh? How many sheep you have to count before you fall asleep? One! Eh, you’re an insta-maniac.
Steamship Normandy
Mrs. Suzannah Dukesbury (Margaret Dumont): Now, be sure; when the Normandy docks tomorrow in New York, the Jardinet and his entire orchestra come directly here.
J. Cheever Loophole (Groucho): This bedroom will be awfully crowded.
J. Cheever Loophole (Groucho): [Picks up phone] Operator, operator! Get me the steamship Normandy. Where is it? It’s in the water.
Captain: Why I can’t believe it.
J. Cheever Loophole (Groucho): But I tell you the man’s name is not Jardinet! His real name is V. T. O’Connor.
Captain: No there must be some mistake. Are you sure?
J. Cheever Loophole (Groucho): I’m positive. It’s the biggest dope ring in years and Jardinet is the head dope. Now, keep him in the brig until I can dig up some more dope. This is Operator 77B signing off. That is all.
Jardinet: I cross the ocean! I am called a dope ring! I race on a train, when I get here, what do I find? Animals. Animals!
Mrs. Suzannah Dukesbury (Margaret Dumont): Animals?
J. Cheever Loophole (Groucho): Animals! Mrs. Dukesbury’s friends are my friends!
Mrs. Suzannah Dukesbury (Margaret Dumont): Now, I know you will all be thrilled. Jardinet’s opening number will be Beethoven’s somber, spiritual first movement of his second concerto, album three, opus four…
J. Cheever Loophole (Groucho): And number five on the Hit Parade.