Red Skelton jokes about marriage – from Red’s TV show, a collection of jokes by Red, his henpecked character George Appleby & others
Sheriff Deadeye (Red Skelton): This calls for a celebration! How about a Zsa Zsa Gabor cocktail?
Source: The Red Skelton Hour (Our Man Fink)
Saloon gal (Pat Priest): [imitating Zsa Zsa] Darling, a Zsa Zsa Gabor cocktail?
Sheriff Deadeye (Red Skelton): Yeah, one drink and you feel like a new man!
I started to tell you about how funny marriages are out here in California. There was a guy the other day saw his wife going into a drive-in theater with his best friend. He would have gone in after him, but he’d already seen the picture! (The Land of Bilk and Money)
George Appleby: 8 hours of sleep isn’t enough.
Clara Appleby: 8 hours of sleep is plenty!
George Appleby: Not when you spread it over 14 years of marriage!
(Jerk and the Beanstalk)
Clara Appleby: I should have married that x-ray technician!
George Appleby: Well, he’s the only one that saw anything in you!
(Much Ado About Nagging)
Clem: I was going to make her Mrs. Kadiddlehopper.
Quincy: Mrs. Kadiddlehopper? Why, nobody would marry a dummy!
Clem: You don’t have to tell her that! Let her find it out for herself on the honeymoon, like other wives do.
(How Stupid is Cupid)
Guy looked at my tax returns, and said “You’ve got it listed here that you spend $5,000 more than you earn. How do you do that?” I says, “You ain’t married, huh?”
(Better Dead than Wed)
A guy says, “You sure buy a lot of expensive presents for your wife Georgia, don’t you?” I says, “Yes, I sure do.” He asks, “Are you saving anything for your old age?” I says, “Yes — my marriage.” (Goodbye Mr. Gyp)
Sadie Murphy: I wanna talk to you about marriage.
Red Skelton: About marriage?
Sadie Murphy: Yeah!
Red Skelton: Let’s talk about something pleasant, like the weather.
Sadie Murphy: All right. It’s good weather for getting married, isn’t it?
(Love Thy Neighbor)