Halloween Jokes by Red Skelton, as told on his long-running television show
I saw a guy wrapped up in about a thousand yards of bandages.
I asked him, “Are you an Egyptian Mummy?”
He replied, “No, a California Pedestrian!” (Here Comes the Bribe)
In Hollywood, it’s easy to see who’s house it is by their pumpkin.
Tall pumpkin? John Wayne’s house.
Short pumpkin? Mickey Rooney’s house.
Stewed pumpkin? Dean Martin! (Here Comes the Bribe)
Say, this week you know it’s Halloween, and my little boy and little girl had an awful lot of fun. They were out in the kitchen and Richard, oh he’s getting to be a pip, he comes up and says, “Did you have the television set on last night?” I says, “Yeah.” He says, “How’d it fit?” (Willie and the Burglar)
He came in the other day and he’s doing this, and I says “Stop bitin’ your nail.” He says, “I’m not bitin’ my nail, I’m scratching my teeth!” (Willie and the Burglar)
And he was eating peanut brittle and I says, “Where did you get that?” He says, “Out in the kitchen. Grandma’s makin’ peanut brittle for trick or treat tonight. And peanut brutal, she’s eatin’ it.” I says, “Not brutal, brittle.” He says, “She’s got no teeth and it’s brutal.” (Willie and the Burglar)
I says, “Well, you’ve had enough candy, give it to me.” And right now I’d like to meet the guy who said, it’s as easy as taking candy away from a baby. (Willie and the Burglar)
I’m glad Halloween is over, in a way. I don’t know, it seemed like television has sort of changed Halloween. 365 days of the year, now, kids run around, they dress like Hopalong Cassidy, Superman, Space Patrol, and Davy Crockett and everything. Last night, Valentina and Richard put on their Sunday clothes and went out to a party, and nobody recognized them.
So Halloween’s a lot of fun, though. I mean, I remember when I was a little kid, I was so ugly and my mother was so poor she couldn’t buy a pumpkin, so she used to hold me up at the window. She used to hold my brother up there. Now she made a pie out of him. … That’s the last time I ever take a joke from Peter Lorre.
We’re getting ready for Halloween around here, you know. And I just heard of a new game Frank Sinatra is going to play this Halloween. He gets a great big tub and he fills it full of water, and he bobs for his teeth! (Hippie Days are Here Again)
Can you imagine what a Halloween it’s going to be this year with all these witches wearing mini skirts? It’ll be the first time in the history there’ll be more “peeks” than “boos”. (Hippie Days are Here Again)
You know, Halloween is fun, but for the elderly folks it’s not very nice. Like last year, every two minutes that somebody knocked on the door and I get up and answer, and I felt sorry. Not for myself, but for couple next door. They weren’t elderly, they were newlyweds! (Hippie Days are Here Again)
I love little kids that knock on your door. One little kid knocked on my door last year and he said, “Yeah.” I said, “Who are you?” He said, “I’m one of the Secret Six.” I said, “The Secret Six? Where are the other five?” He said, “That’s the secret.” (Hippie Days are Here Again)