Funny movie quotes from Animal Crackers, starring the Marx Brothers – a funny movie, with some of the funniest lines of all time!
Capt. Spaulding (Groucho Marx): How much would you charge to run into an open manhole?
Ravelli (Chico Marx): Just the cover charge.
Capt. Spaulding (Groucho Marx): Well, drop in sometime.
Ravelli (Chico Marx): Sewer.
Capt. Spaulding (Groucho Marx): Well, we cleaned that up pretty well.
Ravelli (Chico Marx): I am Emanuel Ravelli.
Capt. Spaulding (Groucho Marx): You’re Emanuel Ravelli?
Ravelli (Chico Marx): I am Emanuel Ravelli.
Capt. Spaulding (Groucho Marx): Well, no wonder you look like him. But I still insist there is a resemblance.
Ravelli (Chico Marx): Heh, heh, he thinks I look alike.
Capt. Spaulding (Groucho Marx): Well, if you do, it’s a tough break for both of you.
Capt. Spaulding (Groucho Marx): [directly to camera] Well, all the jokes can’t be good. You’ve got to expect that once in a while.
Capt. Spaulding (Groucho Marx): You left out a Hoongadoonga. The most important one, too.
Capt. Spaulding (Groucho Marx): Now read me the letter, Jamison.
Horatio Jamison (Zeppo Marx): [reading] Honorable Charles H. Hungadunga
Capt. Spaulding (Groucho Marx): [correcting him] Hungerdunger.
[they say the “hung” syllable in unison]
Capt. Spaulding (Groucho Marx): Hoong.
Horatio Jamison (Zeppo Marx): Hungerdunger.
Capt. Spaulding (Groucho Marx): That’s it, Hungerdunger.
Horatio Jamison (Zeppo Marx): [continues reading] … care of Hungerdunger, Hungerdunger, Hungerdunger, and McCormick.
Capt. Spaulding (Groucho Marx): You’ve left out a Hungerdunger. You left out the main one, too. Thought you could slip one over on me, didn’t you, eh?
[pause]
Capt. Spaulding (Groucho Marx): All right, leave it out and put in a windshield wiper instead.
[Jamison nods and writes]
Capt. Spaulding (Groucho Marx): I tell you what you do, Jamison, I tell you what. Make it, uh, make it three windshield wipers and one Hungerdunger. They won’t all be there when the letter arrives anyhow.
Horatio Jamison (Zeppo Marx): [rushes quickly through what he’s just written] … Hungerdunger, Hungerdunger, Hungerdunger… and McCormick.
Capt. Spaulding (Groucho Marx): And McCormick.
Horatio Jamison (Zeppo Marx): [reading] Gentlemen, question mark.
Capt. Spaulding (Groucho Marx): [correcting him] Gentlemen, question mark? Put it on the penultimate, not on the diphthongic. You wanna brush up on your Greek, Jamison. Well, get a Greek and brush up on him.
Horatio Jamison (Zeppo Marx): [reading] In re yours of the fifth inst
Capt. Spaulding (Groucho Marx): I see.
Horatio Jamison (Zeppo Marx): Now, uh… you said a lot of things here that I didn’t think were important, so I just omitted them.
Mrs. Rittenhouse (Margaret Dumont): Well!
Capt. Spaulding (Groucho Marx): Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm.
[suddenly tries to hit Jamison with his switch, but misses; he falls]
Mrs. Rittenhouse (Margaret Dumont): [helps Spaulding up] Oh, Captain! Good gracious! Oh, my.
Capt. Spaulding (Groucho Marx): [to Jamison] So, you just omitted them, eh? You just omitted the body of the letter, that’s all. You’ve just left out the body of the letter, that’s all. Yours is not to reason why, Jamison. You’ve left out the body of the letter.
[pause]
Capt. Spaulding (Groucho Marx): All right, send it that way and tell them the body will follow.
[swings his switch indignantly]
Horatio Jamison (Zeppo Marx): Do you want the body in brackets?
Capt. Spaulding (Groucho Marx): No, it’ll never get there in brackets. Put it in a box. Put it in a box and mark it, uhfragilly.
Horatio Jamison (Zeppo Marx): Mark it what?
Capt. Spaulding (Groucho Marx): Mark it fragilly. F-R-A-G… Look it up, Jamison, it’s in the dictionary. Look under fragile. Look under the table if you don’t find it there.
[Spaulding has repeatedly told Jamison to take a letter to Spaulding’s lawyers, but he has kept interrupting himself]
Capt. Spaulding (Groucho Marx): I say, take a letter to my lawyers!
Horatio Jamison (Zeppo Marx): Well I am taking it!
[long pause, as nothing has yet been written]
Capt. Spaulding (Groucho Marx): Honorable Charles H., uh, Hungerdunger, care of Hungerdunger, Hungerdunger, Hungerdunger, Hungerdunger, and McCormick… semicolon.
Horatio Jamison (Zeppo Marx): How do you spell semicolon?
Capt. Spaulding (Groucho Marx): All right, make it a comma.
[pause]
Capt. Spaulding (Groucho Marx): Honorable Charles. H. Hungerdunger, care of Hunger…
[rushes through the repetition]
Capt. Spaulding (Groucho Marx): and McCormick.
[pause]
Capt. Spaulding (Groucho Marx): Gentlemen, question mark?
[grunts]
Horatio Jamison (Zeppo Marx): Do you want that, uh,
[grunt]
Horatio Jamison (Zeppo Marx): in the letter?
Capt. Spaulding (Groucho Marx): No, put that in an envelope.
[pause]
Capt. Spaulding (Groucho Marx): Now then. In re yours of the fifth inst., yours to hand and beg to rep… brackets…
[pause]
Capt. Spaulding (Groucho Marx): We have gone over the ground carefully, and we seem to believe, i.e., to wit, e.g., in lieu, that, uh, despite all our… precautionary measures which have been involved…
[pause]
Capt. Spaulding (Groucho Marx): uh, we seem to believe that it is hardly necessary for us to proceed unless we, uh, receive an ipso facto that is not negligible at this moment, quotes, unquotes, and quotes…
[pause]
Capt. Spaulding (Groucho Marx): uh, hoping this finds you, I beg to remain…
Horatio Jamison (Zeppo Marx): [interrupting] Hoping this finds him where?
Capt. Spaulding (Groucho Marx): Well, let him worry about that. Don’t be so inquisitive, Jamison.
[insultingly]
Capt. Spaulding (Groucho Marx): Sneak.
[pause]
Capt. Spaulding (Groucho Marx): I say, hoping this finds you, I beg to remain, as of June 9th, cordially yours, regards. That’s all, Jamison.
[Jamison finishes reading the letter that Spaulding dictated to him]
Horatio Jamison (Zeppo Marx): [reading] Quotes, unquotes, and quotes.
Capt. Spaulding (Groucho Marx): That’s three quotes?
Horatio Jamison (Zeppo Marx): Yes, sir.
Capt. Spaulding (Groucho Marx): Add another quote and make it a gallon. How much is it a gallon, Jamison?
Horatio Jamison (Zeppo Marx): Regards.
Capt. Spaulding (Groucho Marx): Regards. That’s a fine letter, Jamison, that’s an epic. That’s dandy. Now, I want you to make two carbon copies of that letter and throw the original away. And when you get through with that, throw the carbon copies away. Just send a stamp, airmail, that’s all. You may go, Jamison. I may go too.
Capt. Spaulding (Groucho Marx): [to Mrs. Rittenhouse and Mrs. Whitehead] Let’s get married.
Mrs. Whitehead: All of us?
Capt. Spaulding (Groucho Marx): All of us.
Mrs. Whitehead: Why, that’s bigamy.
Capt. Spaulding (Groucho Marx): Yes, and it’s big of me too.
Mrs. Rittenhouse (Margaret Dumont): Captain, this leaves me speechless.
Capt. Spaulding (Groucho Marx): Well, see that you remain that way.
Capt. Spaulding (Groucho Marx): Africa is God’s country, and He can have it.
Capt. Spaulding (Groucho Marx): Take the marriage problem. Take the foreign problem. Take Abyssinia. Say, you take Abyssinia and I’ll take a hot fudge sundae on rye bread.
Capt. Spaulding (Groucho Marx): One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas, I don’t know.
Capt. Spaulding (Groucho Marx): You are going Uruguay, and I’m going my way.
Capt. Spaulding (Groucho Marx): Signor Ravelli’s first selection will be Somewhere My Love Lies Sleeping with a male chorus.
Capt. Spaulding (Groucho Marx): Well, art is art, isn’t it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west is west, and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce, they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now, uh… Now you tell me what you know.
[Dictating a letter]
Capt. Spaulding (Groucho Marx): Gentlemen… question mark.
Capt. Spaulding (Groucho Marx): You’re the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen, which doesn’t say much for you.
Capt. Spaulding (Groucho Marx): Have you met Conductor Hennessey?
Inspector Hennessey: Inspector.
Capt. Spaulding (Groucho Marx): You inspect her.
[Ravelli is playing the piano]
Capt. Spaulding (Groucho Marx): When you come near a song, let me know.
Capt. Spaulding (Groucho Marx): Living with your folks… living with your folks… the beginning of the end… drab, dead yesterdays shutting out beautiful tomorrows… hideous, stumbling footsteps creaking along the misty corridors of time… and in those corridors I see figures… straaange figures… weeeird figures: Steel 186, Anaconda 74, American Can 138.
Capt. Spaulding (Groucho Marx): Pardon me while I have a strange interlude.
Ravelli (Chico Marx): [taunting Roscoe Chandler] Abie the fish man! Abie the fish man! Abie the fish man!
Capt. Spaulding (Groucho Marx): Tell me, what do you think of the traffic problem? What do you think of the marriage problem? What do you think of at night when you go to bed, you beast?
Capt. Spaulding (Groucho Marx): Play that song about the Irish chiropodist.
Ravelli (Chico Marx): Irish chiropodist?
Capt. Spaulding (Groucho Marx): My Fate Is In Your Hands.
Guests: Hooray for Captain Spaulding, the African explorer!
Capt. Spaulding (Groucho Marx): Did someone call me schnorrer?
Guests: Hooray, hooray, hooray!
Horatio Jamison: He went into the jungle where all the monkeys throw nuts.
Capt. Spaulding (Groucho Marx): If I stay here, I’ll go nuts.
Guests: Hooray, hooray, hooray! He put all his reliance / In courage and defiance / And risked his life for science.
Capt. Spaulding (Groucho Marx): Hey, hey!
Mrs. Rittenhouse (Margaret Dumont): He is the only white man who covered every acre…
Capt. Spaulding (Groucho Marx): I think I’ll try and make her…
Guests: Hooray, hooray, hooray!
Capt. Spaulding (Groucho Marx): I’m sick of these conventional marriages. One woman and one man was good enough for your grandmother, but who wants to marry your grandmother? Nobody, not even your grandfather.
Ravelli (Chico Marx): [asking Roscoe Chandler about his new identity] How did you get to be Roscoe W. Chandler?
Roscoe Chandler: Say, how did you get to be an Italian?
Ravelli (Chico Marx): Never mind that, whose confession is this?
Capt. Spaulding (Groucho Marx): A party. I came here for a party. And what happened? Nothing. Not even ice cream.
[to Mrs. Rittenhouse and Mrs. Whitehead]
Capt. Spaulding (Groucho Marx): You know, you two girls have everything. You’re tall and short and slim and stout and blonde and brunette. And that’s just the kind of a girl I crave.
Capt. Spaulding (Groucho Marx): Why, you’ve got beauty, charm, money! You have got money, haven’t you? Because if you haven’t, we can quit right now.
Mrs. Rittenhouse (Margaret Dumont): I’m fascinated.
Capt. Spaulding (Groucho Marx): I’m fascinated, too. Right on the arm.
Capt. Spaulding (Groucho Marx): If I were Eugene O’Neill, I could tell you what I really think of you two. You know, you’re very fortunate the Theatre Guild isn’t putting this on. And so is the Guild!
Capt. Spaulding (Groucho Marx): How happy I could be with either of these two if both of them just went away.
Ravelli (Chico Marx): [while playing the same first part over and over] I can’t think of the finish!
Capt. Spaulding (Groucho Marx): That’s funny, I can’t think of anything else.