[Ruby’s husband needs an operation.]
Ruby (Allison McKay): Twenty years ago, my husband swallowed a fifty cent piece.
San Fernando Red: (Red Skelton): No change yet?
[San Fernando Red as King of the gypsies.]
Spectator: why do you wear only 1 earring?
San Fernando Red: (Red Skelton): I’m only half gypsy.
San Fernando Red: (Red Skelton): Put that (ten dollar bill) in the cash register.” [Ruby takes it, puts it in her leg garter, sound of a cash register ringing.] We put it there because that’s where it generates the most interest.
[Mrs. Throckmorton (Reta Shaw)’s husband, Poopsie, was lost at sea, decades ago. She’s willing to pay $1,000 to contact him. San Fernando Red more than happy to help!]
[Harve Presnell is introduced as her gardener. If the heir is found, he won’t inherit the million dollars …]
Harve Presnell: I was really counting on that million dollars. A million dollars … that’s nearly 500 bucks after taxes.
Harve Presnell (to San Fernando Red): With a handlebar mustache like that, your mother must have been a bicycle.
Harve Presnell: I’ve been waiting for that money for 40 years … which isn’t easy when you’re only 26.
San Fernando Red: (Red Skelton): [trying to prove his credentials as the “true” heir]: Daddy used to eat sardines in bed.
Harve Presnell: Raw?
San Fernando Red: (Red Skelton): Red: No, he wore pajamas.
Harve Presnell [talking about San Fernando Red]: He’s wanted in all 51 states.
Upstairs maid (Shary Marshall): There are only 51 states.
Harve Presnell: Brazil has applied for statehood, just to get their hands on him!
[San Fernando Red has pinned the donkey’s tail on Harve — his mother’s throwing him the third birthday party he never had.]
Harve Presnell: You’re supposed to pin the tail on the donkey!
San Fernando Red: (Red Skelton):: Is it my fault that you gave me a choice of jackasses?
[San Fernando Red inherits … $3.]
Mrs. Throckmorton (Reta Shaw): We had some expenses.
San Fernando Red: (Red Skelton): [reading document]: When Dad sunk at sea forty years ago, he was wearing a rented tuxedo …