Best Clean Funny Jokes

Funny movie quotes from The Ghost and Mr. Chicken

Funny movie quotes from The Ghost and Mr. Chicken, starring Don Knotts, Joan Staley, Dick Sargent

[repeated line]
Man in audience: Atta boy, Luther!


Luther Heggs (Don Knotts): I guess if you cut me, I’d bleed ink.


Luther Heggs (Don Knotts): When you work with words, words are your work.


Suzanna Blush: It’s Calver Weems! He’s DEAD! He’s been MURDERED!
Luther Heggs (Don Knotts): Well don’t panic! DON’T PANIC!
Suzanna Blush: Oh Luther! Luther! It was terrible! He was walking along the street when: BANG! Right on the head!
[points to 2×4]
Suzanna Blush: With that!
Luther Heggs (Don Knotts): Well did you see who did it?
Suzanna Blush: No, it was just: BANG! Right on the head! With that!
Luther Heggs (Don Knotts): Well I’ll just get a picture of it. Lets see… f32… and it’s dark, it’s been rainin’… and uh… Oh for heaven’s sake STAND BACK Suzanna! Stand back! Get out of the way! And for heaven’s sake don’t TOUCH anything! This is all EVIDENCE!
Suzanna Blush: He was just walking down the street when: BANG! Right on the head!
Luther Heggs (Don Knotts): All right, I’ll get a picture of the murder weapon…
Suzanna Blush: BANG! Right on the head! I was just getting ready to brush my teeth and watch Lawrence Welk, then I looked out the window and: BANG…
Luther Heggs (Don Knotts): For heaven’s sake Suzanna pull yourself together! I’m goin’ down to the Police Station! Now you get on the phone and call my editor!
Suzanna Blush: WHO?
Luther Heggs (Don Knotts): George Beckett! tell him to get down to the police station as soon as possible! And for heaven’s sakes, whatever you do, KEEP your HEAD!


Luther Heggs (Don Knotts): It was terrible. It was just terrible. I’ll never get over it as long as I live.


Ollie Weaver: [quoting Luther’s newspaper story] The horribleness and awfulness of it will never actually be forgotten?


Luther Heggs (Don Knotts): Mr. Boob, that’s me. B double O B – boob!


Luther Heggs (Don Knotts): Well, me, I just don’t happen to believe in ghosts… particularly.


Halcyon Maxwell: Why, this is bigger than the, than the Whispering Steeple in Kansas City.


Herkie: [checking guests at the picnic] You’re C. of C, and you’re OK… You’re C. of C, and you’re OK… You’re -Hey! You’re not C. of C.!
The Rotarian at picnic: I’m Rotary!
Herkie: GET OUTTA HERE!


Mrs. Hutchinson: I was only two blocks away that awful night, at my sister Clara’s. We sort of… listening to the organ, you know… the midnight bells were ringing… I turned to Clara and said, “Clara; the organ music sounds strange tonight!”…
Mrs. Natalie Miller: Well… what did Clara say?
Mrs. Hutchinson: She said, “Yes, it does!” You know Clara!
Mrs. Natalie Miller: Well, they say there are still bloodstains on the organ keys…
Mrs. Hutchinson: That’s right; they’ve never been able to get them off.
Mrs. Cobb: And they used Bon-Ami!
Mrs. Natalie Miller: Everybody says he still comes there and plays, at midnight…
Mrs. Cobb: Doesn’t play as well as he used to!


Police Chief Art Fuller: I’m sorry Mrs. Maxwell, Nicolas Simmons gave me strict orders. No one’s allowed on this property.
Halcyon Maxwell: Oh Mr. Fuller you don’t seem to understand. We’re followers, we’re on the path of the occult.
Police Chief Art Fuller: I’m afraid you won’t find anything like that around here.
Halcyon Maxwell: Oh well it’s obvious you don’t understand. Our society is dedicated to contacting the other world.
Police Chief Art Fuller: The communists?
Halcyon Maxwell: The spiritual world!


Luther Heggs (Don Knotts): [after being heckled as he walks to his car] All right, you two guys! You’d just better watch it. You see these two hands? They’re just as hard as steel!
Heavyset Man at Police Station: Hey, look at him, Billy Ray. He’s a karate champion! We’d better watch ourselves.
Billy Ray Fox: Yeah, go ahead, Luther!
Heavyset Man at Police Station: Do something!
Luther Heggs (Don Knotts): [chickens out] Why don’t you run up an alley and holler fish!


Whitlow: I’m asking you a question, Heggs! Can’t you curb your imagination for one minute?
Luther Heggs (Don Knotts): Can’t you curb your tongue for a minute?
Man in audience: Atta boy, Luther!


[Springer calls his “surprise” witness to the stand]
Springer: Your full name, sir?
Gaylord Patie: Gaylord Patie.
Springer: And what is your occupation?
Gaylord Patie: I’m a certified public accountant for the state.
Springer: Now then, I understand that you, Mr. Patie, have heard the organ playing in the Simmons Mansion. Am I correct, sir?
Gaylord Patie: You are. I have heard organ music coming from the tower of the Simmons Mansion on three separate occasions.
[gasps of awe come from the audience]
Gaylord Patie: That’s why I came to you, Mr. Springer.
Springer: And at what time did you hear this music?
Gaylord Patie: At the stroke of midnight.
[more gasps of awe come from the audience]
Springer: And what else have you heard coming from the Simmons Mansion, Mr. Patie?
Gaylord Patie: On the first occasion, a woman’s scream. And on the second and third occasions, a man’s scream.
[even more gasps of awe come from the audience]
Springer: And what kind of screams were they, Mr. Patie?
Gaylord Patie: Oh wild, maniacal screams.
[audience is really excited now]
Springer: Thank you. Your witness.
Whitlow (Charles Lane): [cross-examining] Mr. Patie, I understand that you’re president of the Internation Conclave for Unidentified Flying Objects
Gaylord Patie: That is correct, sir.
Whitlow (Charles Lane): Where was your last meeting held?
Gaylord Patie: On Mars.
[courtroom erupts in laughter]


Luther Heggs (Don Knotts): Calm? Do “murder” and “calm” go together? Calm and murder? Murder?


Kelsey: You know why you thought you saw a murder out there, Luther? ‘Cause that’s a murder house.


Luther Heggs (Don Knotts): That’s right, karate… made my whole body a weapon.


Milo Maxwell: Oh, I-I-I-I’m so sorry that I’m late, but we had a seance at the house last night and it ran on until all hours.


Halcyon Maxwell: You don’t seem to realize the cosmic importance of this.


Halcyon Maxwell: Why Milo, you didn’t finish your tapioca. No wonder you have a nervous stomach.