Funny movie quotes for Herbie Goes to Monte Carlo, starring Dean Jones, Don Knotts
[as Herbie is driving dangerously to impress a female car] Jim Douglas (Dean Jones): Herbie, you can get us disqualified!
Wheely Applegate (Don Knotts): You can get us killed!
[In the final stage of the race, Bruno Von Stickle won’t let Herbie pass him]
Wheely Applegate (Don Knotts): Dirty road hog! Why doesn’t he learn how to drive?
Jim Douglas (Dean Jones): He knows how to drive, that’s the trouble!
[They go round a pair of sharp curves, and Von Stickle does a better job of taking them than Herbie]
Wheely Applegate (Don Knotts): Yeah, I see what you mean.
[about a French man’s response to a racing story he just told him]
Wheely Applegate (Don Knotts): I didn’t understand what he was saying.
Jim Douglas (Dean Jones): That’s OK. He didn’t understand what you were saying either. Come to think of it, I don’t think *I* understood what you were saying.
Max: Patience, Quincey.
Quincey: You tell that to the guard. He’ll be here in two minutes.
Max: Right on schedule. Just ten steps to six million dollars.
Quincey: One step to Devil’s Island, if anything touches that floor.
Jim Douglas (Dean Jones): You listen to me, Herbie, and you listen good. Now, you and I did not come out of mothballs to be the laughingstock of the continent.
Claude Gilbert: Congratulations, Douglas. You have just won the right to taste my dust tomorrow.
Bruno Von Stickle: And mine, Douglas. Today, you break my record. But tomorrow, I return your hello-comeback into goodbye forever. Auf Wiedersehen.
[Wheely and Jim are discussing females]
Wheely Applegate (Don Knotts): They never say what they mean. That’s what makes the female the species deadlier than the male.
Jim Douglas (Dean Jones): You read that some place?
Wheely Applegate (Don Knotts): Yes, and I’ve got a mother, three sisters, and two ex-wives to prove it. Oh, they never told me they wanted me out of the house, but every time I came home, the lock was changed.
Jim Douglas (Dean Jones): Is that a knocking I hear in the gas tank?
Wheely Applegate (Don Knotts): Not in my gas tank. Never!
Jim Douglas (Dean Jones): Sounds like something clanking around in there.
[not giving in to any problems that could stop them from resuming the race] Wheely Applegate (Don Knotts): Well, we either listen to the driver and stop to take the gas tank apart, or we listen to the mechanic and try to win this race.
Jim Douglas (Dean Jones): I’m listening to the mechanic.
Wheely Applegate (Don Knotts): Herbie, what are you doing? Herbie, there’s no time!
Jim Douglas (Dean Jones): Forget it, Wheely. He’s gonna get his girlfriend out of the mud.
[sees a car whiz by them]
Wheely Applegate (Don Knotts): And us out of the race.
[Jim and Wheely suddenly notices Herbie is gone]
Jim Douglas (Dean Jones): Herbie!
Wheely Applegate (Don Knotts): You mean, no Herbie.
Wheely Applegate (Don Knotts): All taken care of, Jim. Had a little talk with Herbie. Had to straighten him out. I don’t mind having a car that’s got a heart, but I will not tolerate a car falling in love with another car.
Jim Douglas (Dean Jones): What did you expect him to fall in love with? The Goodyear blimp?
Wheely Applegate (Don Knotts): The Goodyear – – Yeah.
Wheely Applegate (Don Knotts): Anyway, I said “Listen, Herbie, we’re over here for one thing and one thing only. And that’s to make the biggest comeback in racing history. So, no women in training camp. You just forget that little chick, and you can do it. Just a matter of mind over metal.”
[about Jim and Herbie the car]
Wheely Applegate (Don Knotts): Don’t let his modesty or this little car coming out of retirement fool you. There isn’t a finer tuned cleaner engine anywhere.
Bruno Von Stickle: I’m sure it should be easy to keep clean. All you got to do is drop it in the washing machine, along with your socks.
Wheely Applegate (Don Knotts): Appreciate your humor. But just don’t you worry about this little washing machi
[Jim elbows him]
Wheely Applegate (Don Knotts): – this car!
[cracks up at his slip of tongue]
Wheely Applegate (Don Knotts): It’s a REAL JEWEL!
[signing in to the qualifying round] Jim Douglas (Dean Jones): Douglas and Applegate.
Race official: Douglas. Ah, yes, Monsieur Douglas. You’re in the heat after this one.
Bruno Von Stickle: That’s the same heat I’m in, Douglas. And you’re going to need more than luck. You’re going to need wings.
Wheely Applegate (Don Knotts): Oh, yeah? Well, you may just be in for a little surprise.
[chuckles] Bruno Von Stickle: I can see your surprise. It is very little.
[Herbie drives his front wheels onto a hose with a squirter at the end which Von Stickle is using to wash his car; where he look straight at it, wondering what happened to the water. Right on target, Herbie goes off the hose and causes Von Stickle to get squirted in the face]
Jim Douglas (Dean Jones): Look for an even bigger surprise when the race starts.
Insp. Bouchet: Yes, yes, yes. But, uh, are you sure that all the security precautions had been taken?
Monsieur Ribeaux: I’ve searched my memory. Could I have forgotten something?
[interrupting their discussion] Det. Fontenoy: Inspector, some residue of a footprint. I might have overlooked it, but I seemed to hear your voice calling out “Fontenoy, remember, no clue is too small.”
Insp. Bouchet: Did you also hear me saying “Take it to the lab and get it analyzed, Fontenoy”?
[about Herbie] Jim Douglas (Dean Jones): He’s out of his mind.
Wheely Applegate (Don Knotts): He’s out of his mind, all right. Over that luscious little Lancia.
Jim Douglas (Dean Jones): Now wait a minute, buddy.
[takes off her helmet] Diane Darcy: What do you mean “buddy”?
Jim Douglas (Dean Jones): Uh, Miss Buddy.
[Max, on the phone at a phone booth, panicking of telling him his news about progress of attempting to get back their stolen diamond]
Max: Double X? Uh, yeah. I’m afraid we- we- we’ve had another complication.
[through the phone] Insp. Bouchet: I’m beginning to think that you are the complication!
[now showing him at his office]
Insp. Bouchet: That- That item should have been in my hands by now!
[through the phone] Max: Oh, don’t worry, sir. It’s still in the gas tank.
Insp. Bouchet: Then bring me the gas tank! What are you waiting for?
[shown on the phone at the phone booth] Max: We’ve lost them again, sir. We don’t know where they are.
Max: Excuse me, sir. There’s some very impressive racing cars here, but I don’t seem to see the little Volkswagen.
Showroom MC: Ah, you mean the Douglas car. It will be here. Patience, my friend, patience.
Quincey: If one more person says “patience” to me, I’ll…
[Max taps his shoulder]
Quincey: And don’t tell me “patience”!
Max: We better have it now, because if we don’t turn up with that diamond, Double X is going to mark the spot where we’re buried.
[sees Herbie finally arriving] Quincey: Here, here. Don’t dig our graves just yet.
Jim Douglas (Dean Jones): Come on, you come with us.
Diane Darcy: No, no, I – -I’m gonna stay with my car.
Wheely Applegate (Don Knotts): Looks like we’re all gonna stay with her car.
[we see Herbie drive up and park right next to the Lancia, where they open each other’s doors to kiss]
[sees their opponent Bruno Von Stickle whiz by them, and he says a line that Jim said earlier, that goes with the problem] Wheely Applegate (Don Knotts): Well, you can believe this: We are now out of the money, because ‘sometimes a comeback comes second.’
Jim Douglas (Dean Jones): Who’s giving up, buddy? Not Me!
[trying to think of any clue of where Herbie and the Lancia could be] Jim Douglas (Dean Jones): Where would you take a boyfriend on his first night to Paris?
Diane Darcy: ‘Boyfriend?’ Don’t tell me this is your cute way of making a pass.
Jim Douglas (Dean Jones): If I had romance in mind, would he be along?
[points to Wheely]
Wheely Applegate (Don Knotts): Right.
[suddenly makes an annoyed-looking frown]
Jim Douglas (Dean Jones): We’ve lost our car, and we’d like to know if you’ve seen it by any chance.
Diane Darcy: Who cares about your silly Volkswagen? My Lancia has been stolen!
[points to Diane] Waiter: Uh, your car.
[then points over to Jim and Wheely]
Waiter: And your car.
Jim Douglas (Dean Jones): Yes.
Waiter: I saw them both.
Diane Darcy: Then you saw who stole them.
Waiter: You would not believe this. I would not believe this. No one would believe this.
Jim Douglas (Dean Jones): What?
Waiter: I think they steal each other.