Favorite Lawyer Jokes – a collection of short jokes, making fun of some of the lesser lights of the legal profession!
LAWYER: Now sir, I’m sure you are an intelligent and honest man–
WITNESS: Thank you. If I weren’t under oath, I’d return the compliment.
ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I’m going with male.
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral…
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
LAWYER: What happened then?
WITNESS: He told me, he says, ‘I have to kill you because you can identify me.’
LAWYER: Did he kill you?
WITNESS: No.
LAWYER: Was that the same nose you broke as a child?
WITNESS: I only have one, you know.
LAWYER: Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?
WITNESS: No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
LAWYER: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?
LAWYER: Have you lived in this town all your life?
WITNESS: Not yet.
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
LAWYER: Did you blow your horn or anything?
WITNESS: After the accident?
LAWYER: Before the accident.
WITNESS: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.