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How President Obama would react to a Zombie outbreak

Did you ever wonder how President Obama would react to a zombie outbreak? Probably with the following:

  1. Zombies did not start the biting; the first recorded biting was by Charles Martel when he chomped down on his sister’s finger in 691. Non-Zombies have a lot to answer for in this regard; stop blaming Zombies.
  2. Zombies that bite and eat your brain are not real Zombies. They are perverting what it means to be a Zombie. At any given moment, 99% of Zombies are peacefully wondering the streets biting no one. The Zombies that ate your grandmother comprise a small minority of Zombies.
  3. The real victim of Zombies are other Zombies, who get trampled by the biters in their haste to get your brains.
  4. We must address the real underlying issues that cause Zombies to bite. There are no good jobs for Zombies and no peaceful access to brains. This means that wandering and biting appeals to them.
  5. Travel and immigration for Zombies must be kept open. Shutting our borders to Zombies would just make Zombie infections here worse.
  6. Do not arm yourselves, as this will just make the situation worse. There is no place for firearms, especially high capacity magazines, in dealing with Zombies.
  7. If you like your brain, you can keep your brain.
  8. If Fox News would stop covering the Zombie attacks, nobody would care about them.
  9. “Undead” is a racially charged micro-aggression. Nobody can be undead; Zombies might have peculiar appetites, but they are like you and me — they are Dreamers.
  10. Zombies are underrepresented and need to be targeted with voter outreach programs. In this we can look to Chicago, where the living-challenged have been voting in large numbers for decades.

 

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