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George Carlin Quotes

George Carlin Quotes – A collection of one-line jokes from George Carlin

  • Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
  • If man evolved from monkeys and apes. . . why do we still have monkeys and apes?
  • I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, ‘€œWhere’€™s the self-help section? ‘€œ She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
  • What if there were no hypothetical questions?
  • If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him. . . is he still wrong? (yes)
  • If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
  • Is there another word for synonym?
  • Isn’€™t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do ‘€œpractice’€?
  • Where do forest rangers go to ‘€œget away from it all? ‘€œ
  • What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
  • If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
  • Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
  • Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
  • If a turtle doesn’€™t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
  • Why don’€™t sheep shrink when it rains?
  • Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
  • Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
  • How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
  • Is it true that cannibals don’€™t eat clowns because they taste funny?
  • What was the best thing before sliced bread?
  • One nice thing about egotists: they don’€™t talk about other people.
  • How is it possible to have a civil war?
  • If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?
  • If you ate pasta and antipasti, would you still be hungry?
  • If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
  • Whose cruel idea was it for the word ‘€œLisp’€ to have a ‘€œS’€ in it?
  • Why is it called tourist season if we can’€™t shoot at them?
  • Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
  • I’€™m not into working out. My philosophy is no pain, no pain.
  • I’€™m in shape. Round is a shape.
  • I’€™m desperately trying to figure out why Kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
  • Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
  • I’€™ve always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
  • Ever notice when you blow in a dog’€™s face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?
  • Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
  • I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.
  • One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you.
  • They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you’€™ve got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn’€™t your biggest problem.
  • Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you it’€™s because they’€™re such beautiful animals. I think my wife is beautiful, but I only have photographs of her on the wall.
  • A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and said, ‘€œDon’€™t you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?’€ I said ‘€œI didn’€™t know there were any witnesses. Now I’€™ll have to kill you too’€.
  • Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.

 

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